oh holy god.

no, amy....

... i mean THESE newlyweds.



no judging here, folks.

with all the movies that we own...

... i'm watching Newlyweds. it's true. go ahead and hate me.

sooooo BORED.

for real. i'm bored as all get-out. i could do something like cleaning or laundry, but i wanna do something FUN. who's with me, damn it???

wow. yikes.

here's a picture of the bridge that my dad took from a hotel room nearby. i've not gone near it (even if i wanted to, the area is pretty closed off), so this is the closest view i've seen thus far.


(if you click on this photo, you'll see an up-close, full size version.)

i'm irritable when i'm tired.

and i'm even more irritable when i'm tired and can't fall back to sleep. so now i'm awake and trying to do exciting tasks, like balance the checkbook online. however the wells fargo site sucks ass, so i can't balance anything. and i'm tired. and i started watching "vacancy" but watching movies where there is basically torture for torture's sake doesn't bode well with me at this hour of the morning --- this is the one time of day i get creeped out.

so now i'm cranky and taking it out on all of you. bleh. (sorry. it's not you, it's me.)

my tuesday night!

sigh.....

photoshop project du jour

a thirty-something child from me and dustin. i call this image "birth control."

today marks...

MONTH 5 of no smoking. feh.

so tired.

so tired of my head. so fucking tired of things that get stuck and won't go away and this need i have to just weep uncontrollably and at the same time be so fucking angry that i can't stand it. to not be good enough. to not feel good enough. to not be enough of anything. i'm sickened. i'm sad. and i want to scream but i feel like i don't have the right to scream. i want to just become the worst possible version of myself and i hate it.

yes, i'm still awake. no, i won't wake up on time in the morning.

(i always feel like watching girly movies when i can't sleep.)

eeeek!

i find this disturbing. and i am not easily disturbed.

ahh, sunday nights.

my dog is currently whining. why? because that is her thing, her schtick, if you will. i've just finished my third of eight papers (from the comfort of my couch, no less) and am not quite tired enough to sleep. physically i could probably sleep for days, but my brain is spinning and twirling and doing cartwheels inside my skull, as my brain is wont to do.

what am i thinking about? what is it that makes my brain spin about like a kid who has just been tossed off of the merry-go-round? why, it's a variety of topics, ranging from the fact that i've not done laundry for a few days and therefore will be wearing a dress to work tomorrow, to the fact that i feel like going out tomorrow night. i don't usually go out all that much during the week -- or the weekend, for that matter, however i have a hankering to go out and listen to loud music and just... absorb. i just want to sit and take in stimuli from all around me and just blend with the scenery.

song playing currently: Live at PJ's by the beastie boys. beverage currently drinking: orange juice from the carton. (yes, i do that. yes, i've been told it's obnoxious.)

my dog just jumped up on the couch next to me and she's staring at me. she's trying to look cute, but i know the second i move from my spot she will take over my place and not let me back. i shall not be moved, dog. back off.

***SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION***
by now i hope you've all noticed the snidecards link at the top of the blog page -- peruse at your leisure and remember, we do take special orders. what is shown on the site is simply examples of what can be made ESPECIALLY for YOU, you jaded lil' creatures, you.

ever have a night where your brain doesn't want to sleep? i love sleep, i mean, i LOVE sleep. but right now my brain just wants to... keep going and not shut down for the night. anyone know what this is like? any suggestions? i'm distracted and i've been distracted all day.

i've got it... i'll put on a dvd of a tv series or something, push "Play All" and let the soothing dialogue of Firefly escort me into sleepfordshire.

from 1991.

(you can almost hear his cloven hooves clicking under the desk.)

F*******************K.

tis the season.
i'm in a bad mood. just one of those fucking fucking fuckity fuck fuck days where i'm cranky and nothing seems to be simple and everything is one fucking struggle after another and it actually feels like my insides are so sad that they are dying and my heart is actually breaking the only thing that will make me feel better is a cigarette and i don't want one because then i'll start smoking a gajillion cigarettes a day again and that will complicate things and cause problems and i'll be letting down the trillion people who are nice to me even though i let them down again and again and i don't know why things just can't work out sometimes.
but enough about me. how was YOUR day?

i'm no good at video games...

...so i rarely play them. but i do pay close attention to those around me who are playing, and i quote them in this here blog.

tonight's game: halo 2

dustin: ooh! got me! (to me) are you trying to be accurate in your blog post about video games?
me: yes.
chris (sister's soon to be husband): ooohhhhhh!
clark (other sister's husband): hahahahahahahaha
dustin: whaddareyou laughin' at?

*no speech but only the sound of gunfire, game characters making noise, giving order, etc.*

dustin: wow, i sure can't find you. ahh!
clark: problem with that sniper rifle is that if you can't find any shots...
chris: i fired some rockets off but i couldn't get you.
clark: now, how do you switch to grenades? now, how do i know how much ammo do i have?
dustin: and now i'll run away. *to others* he's got the bigger balls, as we've learned.
chris: i've got the bigger tentacles.

*quiet pause*

clark: *after being shot* alright, that's enough of that shit.
chris: it'd be nice to have a knife in this game.
dustin: who is killing me? i'm just trying to bathe in this fountain. i'm just shooting to make noise at this point, to throw people off.
clark: it's throwing me off.

*pause*

dustin: now clark's killin' me.
clark: i'm hittin' the tree like hell.
dustin: those trees are a damn nuisance.......oh shite...
clark: i'm out in the middle, if anyone wants to shoot me.
dustin: i'm tryin'. oohhhhh, i thought i had ya had me...the sword!
clark: the sword is in play!
chris: the magic sword found an opening.
dustin: i tried to pick up the sword and i almost got shot.
chris: you might not be worthy of the sword.
dustin: i might not be. man, i don't know where you bastards are.

you get the idea. now i'm going to go talk to my sisters about unicorns and rainbows.

holy exercise, batman! or, using muscles i forgot i had, part I

walked for a while tonight with the dog to just blow off the steam that is beginning to build as fall approaches.

it's the same every year, but it still manages to catch me off guard because i guess i assume that it has to stop eventually, right? maybe the body and subconscious just has a memory that is too good to let go of bad stuff.

but i digress. i went on this walk to blow off steam, walked about four or five blocks down to the parkway and then saw a bridge that crosses over what looks to be the remains of a stream (but when we actually have rainfall, it's a fully functioning stream). it's charming, it's intriguing, so i take it. but does it cross to a nice walking path? nope. a hill. a really steep, really unpaved hill. i could have turned back, but i felt it was a good way to get into shape AND be masochistic at the very same time! hurrah!

so up the hill. WAAAAAY up the hill. ouch. sore. limbs. back. aching.

but i made it up the hill, and at the top were some of the prettiest houses i've ever seen in a part of our neighborhood where i had never been. there was a little kid outside with his parents and dog, which meant that i could stop to give my dog a visit (read: butt sniff) with another dog AND stop to catch my breath and to keep from vomiting up my lungs.

so now i need to keep in this habit --- if i can't be as emotionally/mentally healthy as i'd like, at least my exterior can get a bit closer.

as for the rest of my night...

my kid is currently dancing around the living with her headphones on her head, listening to the Grease movie soundtrack on her pod. so i hear nothing besides her giggles and only see her gestures and acting and KICK ASS dance moves. it's the best.

scary day wrap-up

what a crazy night it's been. after calling people (and getting calls/emails, thanks to everyone for checking in!) and finding out everyone i know is safe, it's a lot to think about. 

35W is a very common road that we take a lot of the time, although we've been avoiding it lately b/c of the pavement work they've been doing on it. last week we were in standstill traffic on it heading north (exactly where the collapse was) because it was down to one lane while they were doing work. it took nearly 15 minutes to go across this bridge with the amount of traffic backed up on it. 

and it does cross your mind, thinking that it could have gone down that night. it could have gone down on any one of the countless times i cross it with my kid. and i can't even imagine how horrifying it was for those involved, not to mention horrifying for those people ---- those parents of the many, many kids on that school bus -- that were waiting to hear about their loved ones.

but for me and mine -- we're safe and sound.

we're all okay...

none of us were on the bridge that collapsed, and it's pretty fucking horrible to see. yuck.

fun in the kitchen!

when cooking noodles on the stovetop, a roll of toilet paper earlier used in cleaning should NOT be placed a mere four inches away. that would be a bad idea, as toilet paper can spontaneously burst into flames when near a heat source.

i'm just sayin'.