Friday, December 18, 2009
SNIDECARDS!
SNIDECARDS is the perfect place to find completely random, completely free e-cards that really express how disenchanted and angry you really are! come on by and visit!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
why kids are awesome.
sinister things found in my friend jenny's basement created by her daughters:
and my son is totally stylish:
and my son is totally stylish:
Thursday, December 10, 2009
i need to make a list ...
... of things i never thought i'd say, but eventually do say. today's contribution to this list:
"no, no, don't eat the pen."
(to toddler ... which begs the question, why the hell am i letting him play with a pen?)
in other news, start sending those FREE and INCREDIBLY CLEVER SNIDECARDS!
new ones being added *everyday!
*everyday that i remember to upload them
"no, no, don't eat the pen."
(to toddler ... which begs the question, why the hell am i letting him play with a pen?)
in other news, start sending those FREE and INCREDIBLY CLEVER SNIDECARDS!
new ones being added *everyday!
*everyday that i remember to upload them
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
nothing good can come from my this lint out of my brain right now ...
... but maybe just getting the lint out will be a good thing. it's one of those weirdo nights where nothing really is getting to me, then suddenly my head is all clunky on the inside and i keep forgetting that sometimes fall can really fuck me up for no other reason than i'm sprained. not broken, but definitely sprained. and it's just some bullshit that my head needs to wash out, so i take a shower to relax and isolate myself and i realize that i'm lathering and lathering and lathering and GUESS WHAT -- no amount of lather will wash away the fact that sometimes i am uncomfortable in my brain and in my body and in the jeans i was wearing and in the shirt i had on and nothing feels right nothing fits right just can't seem to wash it right off and start over with brand new skin and a brand new brain.
then after i type a bunch (see above) and i picture funny things -- dustin with the hood of oskar's frog costume on his head while he was eating a pear, abbey doing her soup dance, oskar pretending to sleep while in the car. i'm better. i'm back again. i'm myself again. sometimes i just need a little maintenance. so thanks for that, blogger.
then after i type a bunch (see above) and i picture funny things -- dustin with the hood of oskar's frog costume on his head while he was eating a pear, abbey doing her soup dance, oskar pretending to sleep while in the car. i'm better. i'm back again. i'm myself again. sometimes i just need a little maintenance. so thanks for that, blogger.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
"nothing yet has really sunk in ..."
most of the time i don't think about bram in terms of him being gone -- i've not been able to do that. i just go about my day and when he pops into my head i just dismiss the ache in my stomach with the thought that he's just busy or out of town. (this works for a while bc, like most friends, we'd go a while without catching up, but once we talked it was as if no time had passed.) denial. denial. denial. denial.
right now it just doesn't work. and i'm trying really hard not to focus on his death, but on his life and the amazing affect he had on everyone he met. i'm trying hard to focus on the fact that, long ago, he befriended a girl who was really really fucked up in many ways, and offered her unconditional love and friendship, no matter what she said, what she did. he never gave up on being my friend.
in high school i used to think that the notion of a "soul mate" was that somehow in this world of a gajillion choices and billions of people that there was one certain person who you were meant to be with.
it was bc of him that i learned that not only are there many people in your life that you can consider soul mates, but that a soul mate is not a term exclusively used for a romantic relationship. i think a soul mate is anyone who can see you as you really are and there is some sort of connection. it can be a friend, a spouse, a family member ... all of the above.
we had a connection. i want to believe that connection still exists somehow, even though he's no longer here. if i don't hold onto that, it's more than i can stand.
"... and i always thought that i'd see you again."
Monday, October 05, 2009
holy hell,
it's been a long time since blogging. I hate that I let so much time pass without writing and, let's face it, fb and twitter don't count.
the toddler is asleep on my outstretched right arm and I'm typing this on my phone with my right thumb. it's only a matter of time before my hand loses feeling -- actually that is happening now. aaaaand switch!
in the left hand. I should be sleeping -- I neeeed to sleep -- but my brain is going and thinking and twirling and I feel nothing of substance is landing on this page, just brain lint.
I'm not very disciplined when it comes to things like working out or writing, but I need to figure out a way to keep doing them ... at the very least, this blogging needs to happen more often.
sweet dreams, all.
the toddler is asleep on my outstretched right arm and I'm typing this on my phone with my right thumb. it's only a matter of time before my hand loses feeling -- actually that is happening now. aaaaand switch!
in the left hand. I should be sleeping -- I neeeed to sleep -- but my brain is going and thinking and twirling and I feel nothing of substance is landing on this page, just brain lint.
I'm not very disciplined when it comes to things like working out or writing, but I need to figure out a way to keep doing them ... at the very least, this blogging needs to happen more often.
sweet dreams, all.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
some thoughts on health care reform...
as written by my longtime friend, Jason Wood. what he wrote on his facebook page pretty much sums it up pretty well. here goes...
"Here's what will happen if we leave health insurance alone: Premiums will continue to rise at almost twice the rate of inflation. Many small businesses will be priced out of providing insurance for their employees. Millions will be negligently underinsured when fly-by-night companies enter the game hooking customers with low premiums while ... Read Moredelivering anemic coverage. Medical realted bankruptcies, foreclosures, and repositions will drive billions into the debt everyone fears will be caused by reforming health care.
I got tons more to say. (In the words of Al Pacino ... "I'm just getting WARMED UP ...) I'm also sick of hearing about "communism". Funny thing is, communists aren't especially known as being humanitarian role models. Ask the Afghanis about the Russians being "bleeding heart liberals".
And Family Research Council; if you actually are Christain, shame on you. Go do some research ... on families WITHOUT insurance. Actual Christians care about helping others, not towing the lines of the political action groups and insurance companies.
Maybe I missed in the New Testament where Jesus enters the temple and tells God to stay out of the free market.
I recently went to the doctor and got my toe examined. Later I was poked with a needle. Two blood tests were run. According to the health provider I used, this cost over $500. Insurance covered just over 50% of it. Thank the-previously-mentioned-free-market-living-rightwing-version of Jesus this wasn't a serious procedure. What scares me is what ... Read Morepeople without insurance do when their left toes swell up like Jerry Lewis in the 1980's? Do they fork over five large bills? Or maybe they just limp around until it gets better?
And I don't want to hear about your "tax dollars" anymore. You paid your money, but you've also got a ton of things for that. Roads, schools, hospitals, telephones, law enforcement, water, power, garbage removal, television, radio, military, air travel, tax breaks are just a small part of the millions of things we receive for our tax dollars. I'm sure if Ted Nugent or Glen Beck added up their ledgers, they'd find themselves pretty far into the black on that deal.
And if you've collected Medicaid or Medicare and yet you don't believe in socialist health care reform, pay your money back. That would go a long way to reducing that deficit you're so worried about our kids having. And don't collect Social Security either, because you'd really hate taking that free ride.
So far, we've determined it's okay for government to get involved in the battle over reporoductive rights, securing religious freedoms, and protecting traditional marriage. It's okay to fight a War against Drugs, a War Against Terror, and a war against the War on Christmas ... but leave the health insurance companies alone? Sickening.
Health care providers mark-up their services so high that even the guys selling bottled water at Loolapollza cringe. Isn't gouging a crime? Guess not if it's done while wearing a tie.
And Mr. High Finance Fortune Editor-At-Large, I read your "Five Freedoms You'd Lose in Health Care Reform". Your proctologist called: he found your head.
People who don't have insurance either don't have a Preferred Provider Plans or dreamy tax deductiable Health Savings Accounts.
I saw you on CNN where you talked about the ever escalating premium costs. And your solution is to co-opt McCain's plan for people to drop employer insurance plans and get a $2500 tax rebate to buy their own insurance. So, you want to solve the problem of HIGH PREMIUMS by having Americans take self funded insurance so they can pay HIGH PREMIUMS. Great solution. It's like curing AIDS by going and getting more AIDS. ... Read More
And try qualifying for service coverage when you have a pre-exsisting condition. Would your COBRA styled insurance cover your cranal/rectal problems? I think not.
Honestly, I love America. You could even say I'm gay for it. There are so many freedoms and opportunities here. But the freedom to let others to die, while people protect someone's right to gouge their fellow man, isn't right. Protecting the welfare of all citizens is in the preanmble of the constitution. Your founding fathers found it so important... Read More that they wanted you to see it first.
I'm pretty sure God doesn't want us to play God, so why should insurance companies and hospitals and idealogues determine who lives and who dies?
On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place."
"Here's what will happen if we leave health insurance alone: Premiums will continue to rise at almost twice the rate of inflation. Many small businesses will be priced out of providing insurance for their employees. Millions will be negligently underinsured when fly-by-night companies enter the game hooking customers with low premiums while ... Read Moredelivering anemic coverage. Medical realted bankruptcies, foreclosures, and repositions will drive billions into the debt everyone fears will be caused by reforming health care.
I got tons more to say. (In the words of Al Pacino ... "I'm just getting WARMED UP ...) I'm also sick of hearing about "communism". Funny thing is, communists aren't especially known as being humanitarian role models. Ask the Afghanis about the Russians being "bleeding heart liberals".
And Family Research Council; if you actually are Christain, shame on you. Go do some research ... on families WITHOUT insurance. Actual Christians care about helping others, not towing the lines of the political action groups and insurance companies.
Maybe I missed in the New Testament where Jesus enters the temple and tells God to stay out of the free market.
I recently went to the doctor and got my toe examined. Later I was poked with a needle. Two blood tests were run. According to the health provider I used, this cost over $500. Insurance covered just over 50% of it. Thank the-previously-mentioned-free-market-living-rightwing-version of Jesus this wasn't a serious procedure. What scares me is what ... Read Morepeople without insurance do when their left toes swell up like Jerry Lewis in the 1980's? Do they fork over five large bills? Or maybe they just limp around until it gets better?
And I don't want to hear about your "tax dollars" anymore. You paid your money, but you've also got a ton of things for that. Roads, schools, hospitals, telephones, law enforcement, water, power, garbage removal, television, radio, military, air travel, tax breaks are just a small part of the millions of things we receive for our tax dollars. I'm sure if Ted Nugent or Glen Beck added up their ledgers, they'd find themselves pretty far into the black on that deal.
And if you've collected Medicaid or Medicare and yet you don't believe in socialist health care reform, pay your money back. That would go a long way to reducing that deficit you're so worried about our kids having. And don't collect Social Security either, because you'd really hate taking that free ride.
So far, we've determined it's okay for government to get involved in the battle over reporoductive rights, securing religious freedoms, and protecting traditional marriage. It's okay to fight a War against Drugs, a War Against Terror, and a war against the War on Christmas ... but leave the health insurance companies alone? Sickening.
Health care providers mark-up their services so high that even the guys selling bottled water at Loolapollza cringe. Isn't gouging a crime? Guess not if it's done while wearing a tie.
And Mr. High Finance Fortune Editor-At-Large, I read your "Five Freedoms You'd Lose in Health Care Reform". Your proctologist called: he found your head.
People who don't have insurance either don't have a Preferred Provider Plans or dreamy tax deductiable Health Savings Accounts.
I saw you on CNN where you talked about the ever escalating premium costs. And your solution is to co-opt McCain's plan for people to drop employer insurance plans and get a $2500 tax rebate to buy their own insurance. So, you want to solve the problem of HIGH PREMIUMS by having Americans take self funded insurance so they can pay HIGH PREMIUMS. Great solution. It's like curing AIDS by going and getting more AIDS. ... Read More
And try qualifying for service coverage when you have a pre-exsisting condition. Would your COBRA styled insurance cover your cranal/rectal problems? I think not.
Honestly, I love America. You could even say I'm gay for it. There are so many freedoms and opportunities here. But the freedom to let others to die, while people protect someone's right to gouge their fellow man, isn't right. Protecting the welfare of all citizens is in the preanmble of the constitution. Your founding fathers found it so important... Read More that they wanted you to see it first.
I'm pretty sure God doesn't want us to play God, so why should insurance companies and hospitals and idealogues determine who lives and who dies?
On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place."
Thursday, July 23, 2009
tough night with the wee lad
cutting a molar ... horrendous diaper rash brought on by antibiotics, a week where his schedule was very different bc his dad was out if town ... yeah, oskar let us know in no uncertain terms tonight that he was PISSED. totally pissed. and tired. with burning, sore skin no matter how I slathered on the diaper cream.
(on that topic, I usually take no issue with the store version brand of anything.... but the target brand of desitin SUCKS. just an FYI for anyone who cares.)
currently he's being danced around the living room by his daddy, which is good for not only the two of them, but me too. it's sweet to see and nice to be reminded that oskar is willing to take comfort from someone else after a week of intense mommy attachment.
(on that topic, I usually take no issue with the store version brand of anything.... but the target brand of desitin SUCKS. just an FYI for anyone who cares.)
currently he's being danced around the living room by his daddy, which is good for not only the two of them, but me too. it's sweet to see and nice to be reminded that oskar is willing to take comfort from someone else after a week of intense mommy attachment.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
a day with family
so we met up at my kid sister's apartment complex today. also joining us was one of my older sisters and her four kids ... swimming, grilling hot dogs (go hebrew national!) and just hanging out.
at one point we were leaving the jacuzzi room and oskar was sitting in the floor, playing with some goggles. not wanting him to chew on them, I took them from his hand and gave him something else instead. that totally pissed him off and he pulled his usual "training to be 2" stunt -- forcefully pushing himself backward while sitting.
at home with carpeting this isn't usually an issue. in a room with ceramic floor tiles, it was a very big deal, as the back if his head slammed. it was so loud and I instantly picked him up as he screamed and I ran into a different room, feeling the back of his head for any blood, fractures, etc.
holy fuck. that's all I can think to say ... holy fuck. luckily my older sister is well-versed with what to do about head bumps -- 3 of her 4 kids are boys -- so she told me what to do (nurse immediately to calm him) and what to watch out for (puking, walking wobbly, uneven pupils, etc).
(thanks, aim!)
he calmed down really quickly and just nursed and nursed. i, however, wanted to puke. I kept thinking how should have expected him to do that, I should have let him hold the freaking goggles until we were safely standing.
once he was up and running around I excused myself to the bathroom and promptly cried my eyes out.
there is no end to the worry/guilt/pain when your kid is hurting. no end at all.
so so tired from today. must sleep
at one point we were leaving the jacuzzi room and oskar was sitting in the floor, playing with some goggles. not wanting him to chew on them, I took them from his hand and gave him something else instead. that totally pissed him off and he pulled his usual "training to be 2" stunt -- forcefully pushing himself backward while sitting.
at home with carpeting this isn't usually an issue. in a room with ceramic floor tiles, it was a very big deal, as the back if his head slammed. it was so loud and I instantly picked him up as he screamed and I ran into a different room, feeling the back of his head for any blood, fractures, etc.
holy fuck. that's all I can think to say ... holy fuck. luckily my older sister is well-versed with what to do about head bumps -- 3 of her 4 kids are boys -- so she told me what to do (nurse immediately to calm him) and what to watch out for (puking, walking wobbly, uneven pupils, etc).
(thanks, aim!)
he calmed down really quickly and just nursed and nursed. i, however, wanted to puke. I kept thinking how should have expected him to do that, I should have let him hold the freaking goggles until we were safely standing.
once he was up and running around I excused myself to the bathroom and promptly cried my eyes out.
there is no end to the worry/guilt/pain when your kid is hurting. no end at all.
so so tired from today. must sleep
Thursday, June 18, 2009
movies i wanna see...
How to Be
robert pattinson and his accent. yep, i'm there.
Shutter Island
the idea of mental hospitals intrigues me. who knew?
Surrogates
not my usual type of movie, but i dig bruce willis in some stuff. and he looks like a badass in this one.
Away We Go
*sighhhhh*
Zombieland
i should be more excited about this, but it just appears lackluster.
robert pattinson and his accent. yep, i'm there.
Shutter Island
the idea of mental hospitals intrigues me. who knew?
Surrogates
not my usual type of movie, but i dig bruce willis in some stuff. and he looks like a badass in this one.
Away We Go
*sighhhhh*
Zombieland
i should be more excited about this, but it just appears lackluster.
dental day
reason for visit (among others):
tooth broken to nearly nothing
fear of dentist: worried they will tell me I have the world's worst teeth.
verdict:
broken tooth (third from back lower jaw) beyond repair, remnants to be removed next Tuesday (at 100% coverage!)
other issues:
small cavity in lower back molar (100% coverage!)
down the road a bit:
crown on a different lower molar left (60%... boo)
crown on lowar molar right that could, if I wanted, have a bridge attached to fill the gap left by current broken tooth. or just leave that space open forever (not visible). or get an implant to fill space (pricey!).
who really gives a rat's arse about my
little dental laundry list??? no one except my brain, who is now happy bc it's on "paper" and therefore out of my head, and now I can nap.
then there is something else swimming around. neither here nor there, a nap might help that one, too.
tooth broken to nearly nothing
fear of dentist: worried they will tell me I have the world's worst teeth.
verdict:
broken tooth (third from back lower jaw) beyond repair, remnants to be removed next Tuesday (at 100% coverage!)
other issues:
small cavity in lower back molar (100% coverage!)
down the road a bit:
crown on a different lower molar left (60%... boo)
crown on lowar molar right that could, if I wanted, have a bridge attached to fill the gap left by current broken tooth. or just leave that space open forever (not visible). or get an implant to fill space (pricey!).
who really gives a rat's arse about my
little dental laundry list??? no one except my brain, who is now happy bc it's on "paper" and therefore out of my head, and now I can nap.
then there is something else swimming around. neither here nor there, a nap might help that one, too.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I need to make friends with a dentist ...
who wants to do free of charge work on my teeth out of the goodness of his/her heart.
any dentists wanna be friends? I'd be a GREAT before/after candidate!
please?????
any dentists wanna be friends? I'd be a GREAT before/after candidate!
please?????
Sunday, June 14, 2009
another one? it's a Christmas miracle!
by "Christmas" I mean "late spring" and by "miracle" I mean ... actually that's pretty much the bestcword for it.
I'm feeling drab. like nothing of interest comes out of my brain to spew out as pearls of wisdom, wit or anything else starting with a w.
I feel like I am irritating to people. the things I say, the manner in which I react. and I so, so tire of feeling this way. I want to have days where I don't misinterpret a glance as a glare.
I can sort of summarize my thoughts right now as falling into the category of "aftermath." without getting too specific, it's been a challenging year on many fronts. and while I perform extraordinarily well under pressure (dun dun dun dadadun dun), I tend to melt down and fall to pieces after things settle down. I ignore my own well being for so long that when I come back to it, I don't know where the fuck to start.
2:23 am and need sleep. it's just time.
I'm feeling drab. like nothing of interest comes out of my brain to spew out as pearls of wisdom, wit or anything else starting with a w.
I feel like I am irritating to people. the things I say, the manner in which I react. and I so, so tire of feeling this way. I want to have days where I don't misinterpret a glance as a glare.
I can sort of summarize my thoughts right now as falling into the category of "aftermath." without getting too specific, it's been a challenging year on many fronts. and while I perform extraordinarily well under pressure (dun dun dun dadadun dun), I tend to melt down and fall to pieces after things settle down. I ignore my own well being for so long that when I come back to it, I don't know where the fuck to start.
2:23 am and need sleep. it's just time.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
my friend brent has started a blog...
and i know it'll be ass-kickin' great! just check out the early stages for yourself.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
by god, i'm about to post a real post.
and it's bound to be a biggen, too!
i'm pondering how some days click, yet a few hours later it feels as though every little thing is conspiring to make you weep big fat crybaby tears (a look that i misinterpret as irritation combined with the cat's loud-ass meowing that is driving me nuts AND waking the oskar combined with everything else that nags at my innards).
and it's not one single event, that pushes you over the edge, it's juts a build-up of crapola.
i'm also pondering how i always get away from blogging b/c of some other internet distraction -- youtube, facebook, twitter -- but then i come crawling back to this blog like a filthy little cheater, and this blog always takes me back.
so now i return again, proverbial hat in hand, a sheepish look on my face. "will you take me back ... again?" i ask, waiting for a smackdown. but here i am, back again and typing my little fingers off. at least until oskar wakes up.
back to the evening of conspiratorial events/noises/thoughts/ideas/expressions. i know i take my medicine everyday to keep me even-keeled, yet it was just a night that i felt like i hadn't taken them. mix that with just a dash of what felt like day two of nicotine withdraw (mind you, it's been two and a half years) and you have a saucy little recipe for crazytown! wheee!
god, i missed this blog. i feel like much of the stagnant, overripe crap that's been sitting around in my brain like a clogged sinus passage has finally begun to leak out.
blogging = decongestant?
i like working out now, that's something new. not for the sake of getting into shape, weight loss, etc. (although that would be a nice bonus), it's for stress relief. and judging by my mood tonight, it's been too long since i've done it. when at home i use the nifty Wii Fit provided by my husband on my 34th birthday -- that's what i used tonight. when at the gym i use the elliptical machine (while watching Superbad/Firefly episodes/other Judd Apatow goodies on my iPhone).
well now i've become that person who talks about working out. yeah, that's exactly who i want to be.
note to self: workouts after 10p.m. might be a bad idea, considering i'm WIDE FREAKING AWAKE (albeit, in a much better mood).
time for solitaire.
i'm pondering how some days click, yet a few hours later it feels as though every little thing is conspiring to make you weep big fat crybaby tears (a look that i misinterpret as irritation combined with the cat's loud-ass meowing that is driving me nuts AND waking the oskar combined with everything else that nags at my innards).
and it's not one single event, that pushes you over the edge, it's juts a build-up of crapola.
i'm also pondering how i always get away from blogging b/c of some other internet distraction -- youtube, facebook, twitter -- but then i come crawling back to this blog like a filthy little cheater, and this blog always takes me back.
so now i return again, proverbial hat in hand, a sheepish look on my face. "will you take me back ... again?" i ask, waiting for a smackdown. but here i am, back again and typing my little fingers off. at least until oskar wakes up.
back to the evening of conspiratorial events/noises/thoughts/ideas/expressions. i know i take my medicine everyday to keep me even-keeled, yet it was just a night that i felt like i hadn't taken them. mix that with just a dash of what felt like day two of nicotine withdraw (mind you, it's been two and a half years) and you have a saucy little recipe for crazytown! wheee!
god, i missed this blog. i feel like much of the stagnant, overripe crap that's been sitting around in my brain like a clogged sinus passage has finally begun to leak out.
blogging = decongestant?
i like working out now, that's something new. not for the sake of getting into shape, weight loss, etc. (although that would be a nice bonus), it's for stress relief. and judging by my mood tonight, it's been too long since i've done it. when at home i use the nifty Wii Fit provided by my husband on my 34th birthday -- that's what i used tonight. when at the gym i use the elliptical machine (while watching Superbad/Firefly episodes/other Judd Apatow goodies on my iPhone).
well now i've become that person who talks about working out. yeah, that's exactly who i want to be.
note to self: workouts after 10p.m. might be a bad idea, considering i'm WIDE FREAKING AWAKE (albeit, in a much better mood).
time for solitaire.
an attempt at blogging ...
before oskar is in bed. he just tipped over. try again later.
UPDATE:
he tipped over b/c he was walking around with his eyes squinted shut. not the smartest thing to try, but so, SO cute.
UPDATE:
he tipped over b/c he was walking around with his eyes squinted shut. not the smartest thing to try, but so, SO cute.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
the amount of time I spend...
thinking about a haircut is pretty fucking ridiculous. it's just hair. I cut, it grows. why is it not that simple?
a few issues.
I am not a waif. I'm always afraid if I cut my hair, the rest of me will look bigger bc I'm out if balance somehow.
my hair is the perfect hiding place. it covers my face on the sides and gives me a sheltered feeling.
when you are a person with a bit of a damaged psyche, it's easy to look at changes and overthink them. and doubt them. and go back and forth again.
so really by issues are less about hair and more about my sometimes fucked up brain process.
I was on twitter and I types BPD into the search field. I came across a profile for a Dutch doctor who made a blog post about bpd and what they've learned over the past decade. a good read, and it's just got me thinking about my own brain. the last big episode I had was in oct of 07-- it was before bram died, and I remember walking around in the back of our place and smelling the damp fall air and trying like hell to keep my brain together. I was three months preg and horrified that my head would never quiet the fuck down.
then a day or two later I was in the same backyard area, on the phone with michelle davidson, sobbing intermittently while trying to wrap my head around the news of what had happened. I kept expecting my head to split open and go into a full-on episode. it never happened. and it hasn't since.
michelle told me that she used to have anxieties, and when bram left, it was as though he took them with him, as she hadn't had them since. I can't help but wonder if, in some way, he did the same for me.
or maybe that's how my brain copes with tragedy. or perhaps the death of someone close was something that my brain interpreted as "way fucking worse than anything else in childhood ever was," thus taking away the power from the horrible childhood shit that used to fuck up my life on a regular basis.
I also know that bpd has the tendency over time with therapy and medication to calm down. I think it has to do with age as a life-stabilizing factor, less turbulence in day to day life. I know that is true as well.
my thinking patterns are still much the same as they used to be. I've just changed in the ways I act on those thoughts. knee-jerk reactions still exist, they are just easier to keep at bay.
if icould afford it, I'd go back to school andgo into counseling for bpd cases. I think i'd be good at it.
now I need a nap.
a few issues.
I am not a waif. I'm always afraid if I cut my hair, the rest of me will look bigger bc I'm out if balance somehow.
my hair is the perfect hiding place. it covers my face on the sides and gives me a sheltered feeling.
when you are a person with a bit of a damaged psyche, it's easy to look at changes and overthink them. and doubt them. and go back and forth again.
so really by issues are less about hair and more about my sometimes fucked up brain process.
I was on twitter and I types BPD into the search field. I came across a profile for a Dutch doctor who made a blog post about bpd and what they've learned over the past decade. a good read, and it's just got me thinking about my own brain. the last big episode I had was in oct of 07-- it was before bram died, and I remember walking around in the back of our place and smelling the damp fall air and trying like hell to keep my brain together. I was three months preg and horrified that my head would never quiet the fuck down.
then a day or two later I was in the same backyard area, on the phone with michelle davidson, sobbing intermittently while trying to wrap my head around the news of what had happened. I kept expecting my head to split open and go into a full-on episode. it never happened. and it hasn't since.
michelle told me that she used to have anxieties, and when bram left, it was as though he took them with him, as she hadn't had them since. I can't help but wonder if, in some way, he did the same for me.
or maybe that's how my brain copes with tragedy. or perhaps the death of someone close was something that my brain interpreted as "way fucking worse than anything else in childhood ever was," thus taking away the power from the horrible childhood shit that used to fuck up my life on a regular basis.
I also know that bpd has the tendency over time with therapy and medication to calm down. I think it has to do with age as a life-stabilizing factor, less turbulence in day to day life. I know that is true as well.
my thinking patterns are still much the same as they used to be. I've just changed in the ways I act on those thoughts. knee-jerk reactions still exist, they are just easier to keep at bay.
if icould afford it, I'd go back to school andgo into counseling for bpd cases. I think i'd be good at it.
now I need a nap.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
nin clips from nov. 25 concert
some clips from the show --- and if you don't like NIN or fantastic, amazing light shows, you'll be bored. (the audio is not the best, but trent kinda is.)
seventh grade and how it sucks.
my daughter is in seventh grade -- and with a couple of months left of school, the end of the year can't come soon enough, for her and for me. genetically she's got some of my stuff and that makes dealing with all the emotions and bullshit popularity/friendship/ girl backstabbing crap even tougher than normal.
my seventh grade year was marked by my first massive nervous breakdown. and who can forget the school counselor would couldn't recognize depression and just said i was out for attention and to skip class... ahh, the memories.
when you are depressed you can't stop crying, and not many people have sympathy for the kid who cries a lot. add that to the fact that i had an injury that kept me in a cast, on crutches but out of gym for many months, and people i had known for a long time (i even remember who this prick was, but won't mention a name here) would actually talk about me behind my back -- literally two feet behind my back, making fun of me, calling me a faker.
later in the school year the awesome and wonderful amy lein -- who i've known since i was 1.5 years old -- stood by me and helped me get past all the bullshit, all the little bastards who made that year miserable. we'd go to school dances -- even though i was on crutches, and we'd goof around and dance (and then a stupid girl i can recall right now mocked me for that) and at that point i resolved to switch to a different junior high.
fucking assholes in seventh grade.
however changing schools was the best thing i ever did. i met some amazing people there, people i'm still in touch with today and love as much as i ever did (you know who you are). and most of the people from seventh grade forgot about that year by the time i saw them again in ninth grade, but there is always one or two asshats who said "weren't you the girl who cried all the time at school?", to whom i'd reply "probably -- and clearly you are still the same idiot from seventh grade."
okay, end rant.
but i can't wait for this year to finish up. my girl needs a break.
my seventh grade year was marked by my first massive nervous breakdown. and who can forget the school counselor would couldn't recognize depression and just said i was out for attention and to skip class... ahh, the memories.
when you are depressed you can't stop crying, and not many people have sympathy for the kid who cries a lot. add that to the fact that i had an injury that kept me in a cast, on crutches but out of gym for many months, and people i had known for a long time (i even remember who this prick was, but won't mention a name here) would actually talk about me behind my back -- literally two feet behind my back, making fun of me, calling me a faker.
later in the school year the awesome and wonderful amy lein -- who i've known since i was 1.5 years old -- stood by me and helped me get past all the bullshit, all the little bastards who made that year miserable. we'd go to school dances -- even though i was on crutches, and we'd goof around and dance (and then a stupid girl i can recall right now mocked me for that) and at that point i resolved to switch to a different junior high.
fucking assholes in seventh grade.
however changing schools was the best thing i ever did. i met some amazing people there, people i'm still in touch with today and love as much as i ever did (you know who you are). and most of the people from seventh grade forgot about that year by the time i saw them again in ninth grade, but there is always one or two asshats who said "weren't you the girl who cried all the time at school?", to whom i'd reply "probably -- and clearly you are still the same idiot from seventh grade."
okay, end rant.
but i can't wait for this year to finish up. my girl needs a break.
Friday, April 17, 2009
dumb. stinky. dumb & stinky.
so today is the start of our burb's annual spring cleanup -- basically the city comes and picks up your big garbage (our old couch, etc.) for free. this results in two things:
1. scavengers looking for free stuff. mostly I've seen people putting out their broken stuff, stuff they would normally cost extra to be hauled away. and peoplehave been driving around the neighborhood all day, slowly checking out the piles for anything remotely decent. I was on a walk with oskar and it was creepy how two or three cars in a row would creep down the street, trailers in tow and already full ifother people's crap. occasionally you see the car that hit the jackpot -- a child-size playcar, a jogging stroller and patio furniture. but usually it's old bedframes, scrap wood and pieces of furniture that just need some lovin'.
2. this also means people are cleaning out the garage and unearthing bags of yard waste. some people like to burn the yard waste and give everyone within a mile of that a house that reeks of old campfire. and, if I had to make a guess, burning plastic.
............................
now it's several hours later since i first began this post.... I just joined a gym and am currently under a hair dryer at Fantastic Sam's, getting a super cheap conditioning treatment. not a bad morning at all.
1. scavengers looking for free stuff. mostly I've seen people putting out their broken stuff, stuff they would normally cost extra to be hauled away. and peoplehave been driving around the neighborhood all day, slowly checking out the piles for anything remotely decent. I was on a walk with oskar and it was creepy how two or three cars in a row would creep down the street, trailers in tow and already full ifother people's crap. occasionally you see the car that hit the jackpot -- a child-size playcar, a jogging stroller and patio furniture. but usually it's old bedframes, scrap wood and pieces of furniture that just need some lovin'.
2. this also means people are cleaning out the garage and unearthing bags of yard waste. some people like to burn the yard waste and give everyone within a mile of that a house that reeks of old campfire. and, if I had to make a guess, burning plastic.
............................
now it's several hours later since i first began this post.... I just joined a gym and am currently under a hair dryer at Fantastic Sam's, getting a super cheap conditioning treatment. not a bad morning at all.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
by god, I need to blog more.
so it's the end of the day. my big events included (but not limited to) getting an eye exam at costco (slight Rx change), buying olivesin bulk, napping for a loooooong time, and here I am at bedtime, waiting for the sleep.
I won't have to wait long -- I am exhausted.
in fact, I fell asleep right after that last sentence. I woke up a moment later to find my phone in my left hand, my right index finger poised and ready to type.
yep. time to sleep.
l
I won't have to wait long -- I am exhausted.
in fact, I fell asleep right after that last sentence. I woke up a moment later to find my phone in my left hand, my right index finger poised and ready to type.
yep. time to sleep.
l
Monday, March 23, 2009
dear blog,
I know I've been away a long time. life with a new baby and juggling life's other things had been a bit crazy. I really have been meaning to stop by, but it's been, you know, busy.
I'm sorry, I know my excuses -- while valid -- don't mean much to you, but I promise, this time will be different.
I'm sorry, I know my excuses -- while valid -- don't mean much to you, but I promise, this time will be different.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
awesome post on white whine...
Complaint #361 - Special 1990's Edition
“‘Hunger Strike’ is by Temple of the Dog, NOT Pearl Jam, Ugh.”
“‘Hunger Strike’ is by Temple of the Dog, NOT Pearl Jam, Ugh.”
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
ode to dixie
not an ode at all, but just recalling some dixie-related thoughts on the eve of her departure. long story short, we have to give her up b/c her growling pattern with oskar is too scary and too persistent. she's over seven years old and while that is not "old" for a dog, her responses to a baby who is becoming more and more mobile are quite unnerving and won't get much better with age. so we're offering her up to be rehomed before she bites, b/c biting will remove any rehoming chance she has.
i'm sad. i'm sad thinking about the night i brought her home. how she and i regarded each other in the "get to know each other" room at the humane society. how she stayed by my side and seemed to look after me during the whole wedding fiasco a few years back. how she never left my side the week i was on the couch, crying over bram's death.
so i have a sob in my throat that i don't want to let out, because then i'll cry not be able to stop.
she's not the last dog we'll ever own, i'm sure, but overall she's been a great pet and i'll miss her more than you know.
i'm sad. i'm sad thinking about the night i brought her home. how she and i regarded each other in the "get to know each other" room at the humane society. how she stayed by my side and seemed to look after me during the whole wedding fiasco a few years back. how she never left my side the week i was on the couch, crying over bram's death.
so i have a sob in my throat that i don't want to let out, because then i'll cry not be able to stop.
she's not the last dog we'll ever own, i'm sure, but overall she's been a great pet and i'll miss her more than you know.
Monday, January 12, 2009
breaking news on cnn....
"Barack Obama plans to act as early as his first week in office to shut the prison at Guantanamo Bay, two officials say."
RIGHT FUCKING ON! GO-BAMA!
RIGHT FUCKING ON! GO-BAMA!
Monday, January 05, 2009
Saturday, January 03, 2009
still such an amazing video.
i haven't watched this video in a long time, but june's expression as she watches johnny still destroys me.
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