nothing good can come from my this lint out of my brain right now ...

... but maybe just getting the lint out will be a good thing. it's one of those weirdo nights where nothing really is getting to me, then suddenly my head is all clunky on the inside and i keep forgetting that sometimes fall can really fuck me up for no other reason than i'm sprained. not broken, but definitely sprained. and it's just some bullshit that my head needs to wash out, so i take a shower to relax and isolate myself and i realize that i'm lathering and lathering and lathering and GUESS WHAT -- no amount of lather will wash away the fact that sometimes i am uncomfortable in my brain and in my body and in the jeans i was wearing and in the shirt i had on and nothing feels right nothing fits right just can't seem to wash it right off and start over with brand new skin and a brand new brain.

then after i type a bunch (see above) and i picture funny things -- dustin with the hood of oskar's frog costume on his head while he was eating a pear, abbey doing her soup dance, oskar pretending to sleep while in the car. i'm better. i'm back again. i'm myself again. sometimes i just need a little maintenance. so thanks for that, blogger.

photos

so i've not updated my blog with photos for a long time, so here goes!

"nothing yet has really sunk in ..."

most of the time i don't think about bram in terms of him being gone -- i've not been able to do that. i just go about my day and when he pops into my head i just dismiss the ache in my stomach with the thought that he's just busy or out of town. (this works for a while bc, like most friends, we'd go a while without catching up, but once we talked it was as if no time had passed.) denial. denial. denial. denial.

right now it just doesn't work. and i'm trying really hard not to focus on his death, but on his life and the amazing affect he had on everyone he met. i'm trying hard to focus on the fact that, long ago, he befriended a girl who was really really fucked up in many ways, and offered her unconditional love and friendship, no matter what she said, what she did. he never gave up on being my friend.

in high school i used to think that the notion of a "soul mate" was that somehow in this world of a gajillion choices and billions of people that there was one certain person who you were meant to be with.

it was bc of him that i learned that not only are there many people in your life that you can consider soul mates, but that a soul mate is not a term exclusively used for a romantic relationship. i think a soul mate is anyone who can see you as you really are and there is some sort of connection. it can be a friend, a spouse, a family member ... all of the above.

we had a connection. i want to believe that connection still exists somehow, even though he's no longer here. if i don't hold onto that, it's more than i can stand.

"... and i always thought that i'd see you again."

some video, yo.

you know, bc posting on twitter AND facebook just isn't enough ...

holy hell,

it's been a long time since blogging. I hate that I let so much time pass without writing and, let's face it, fb and twitter don't count.

the toddler is asleep on my outstretched right arm and I'm typing this on my phone with my right thumb. it's only a matter of time before my hand loses feeling -- actually that is happening now. aaaaand switch!

in the left hand. I should be sleeping -- I neeeed to sleep -- but my brain is going and thinking and twirling and I feel nothing of substance is landing on this page, just brain lint.

I'm not very disciplined when it comes to things like working out or writing, but I need to figure out a way to keep doing them ... at the very least, this blogging needs to happen more often.

sweet dreams, all.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]