Sure, I actually mailed some of these ...

but posting it here is WAY easier.

olive is cute. it's a fact.

i feel like anything i blog about today would be just the usual blah blah blah kind of crap that flows so freely from my brain, so instead i think i'll post a cute picture of olive.

a few weekend pics.

thanks for the awesome fort, Uncle C.!

so, so sleepy post food.

the awesome Abbey.

naptime for kiddies.

sweet Oskar.

Grandma Jen getting love from Olive.

a damn cute video.

confession time:

some days i feel my heart get all weirdy and i then have to spend the next 15 minutes doing breathing that will calm me down. not calm my heart down, bc really that little palipatation lasted about 1 second. nope, just breathing that will calm me down from worry about my heart. which i shouldn't worry so much over.

after brammy died of a heart attack i got increasingly worried about my health, bc even though he had some health issues, he was only 33. every heartburn that seems to come out of nowhere, every skipped beat sends a speed-of-thought message to my brain that signals for my panic to kick in.

also, every so often i get an aura migraine, which is scary and makes me worry i'm having a stroke. which is unlikely, but even just the migraine stuff is hard when you have little ones -- first sign is usually vision issues in one eye to the point where i can't see without having a black spot where one eye is trying to focus. then the dysphasia, which is the inability to speak using the correct words for things. then hand/tongue numbness. and, if you have any history with panic, you know that tingling fingers is a part of panic, which means if i sense a slight tingle, it flags my brain as "PANIC NOW! MIGRAINE ON THE WAY!"

why am i confessing all this? i don't know, i feel like it's some dirty little secret that i'm tired of carrying all on my own (although dustin knows about it) and i'm so fucking tired of being afraid so much. it was really bad when i was at home alone with the little kids more -- it would get so overblown that a slight feeling of dread would balloon into what felt like my arms being on fire - necessitating dustin to come home from work bc i was sure something bad was happening to me and the little ones would be all alone and scared and abandoned.

i've even gotten a fucking SELF-HELP CD that i listen to when i have the slightest sense of anxiety that is unwarranted. (it's from a company in the UK, so they could be reading out of the phonebook but the accent alone seems to help me out.) yep, i'm that person. i've stopped drinking soda with caffeine bc it never fails - i go overboard with it (bc coca-cola is the most awesome-est beverage on the planet) and BOOM -- racing heartbeat. feeling of dread that comes from raching heartbeat, and then my brain can't be stopped.

monday i will be tested for all things allergic and if it's in the clear, my next move will be to buy the biggest bag of cashews EVER. (and, fun fact, cashews can help with anxiety. WIN.)

*update
i just ate a slice of pecan pie because my love of pecan pie, which i have not had in years, outweighed my fear of allergic reaction. i'm pretty sure the fluffy lips feeling i experienced was psychosomatic, but we'll see ... and the fact that i'm not FREAKING out over this shows that blogging about all this crap has helped me a little bit.

**update 2
no unusual allergic reactions. YAY PIE!

***update 3 (just two minutes later than previous update)
my throat feels sore -- not itchy, but like i have a tender throat when i swallow. probably unrelated. STAY TUNED!

****update 4
just heard that allergic reactions can take up to TWO hours to show up. are you fucking kidding me?

Random thought ...

that popped into my head: the art collection at the Minot public library. I have no idea why, but suddenly I was remembering walking through the aisle that displays the collection you can actually rent. then I started thinking about the hours spent using the card catalog to find books, the tapes I'd check out, I can even recall the smell of the place. I've not heard about the damage the library sustained in the flood, but I'm guessing it must've been substantial. I miss that library.
I was sort of planning it to be a crappy, stressful night -- and it mostly wasn't, except that poor Olly had a fever. now sleeping feels like what I really need.

and then there are the days ...

... where if i think too much about certain stuff, i'll just fall apart. blergh.

 

pictures! lots of pictures! and exclamation points!

me and the youngest larson sister.

sweet oskar.

lunch at sammy's pizza - always a win.

us girls.

olive loves grandma jen.

what a face.

sleepy birthday girl.

"olive's birthday, blah blah blah ..."

3 of 4 sisters plus a lil olive.

olive explaining something important to auntie m.

gnome olive!

mmm ... cake.

"i'm one!"

she loves her aunt.

"yayyy!"

Pics o' the weekend

being an alien made her angry.

being a gnome made her angry.

ribbon on a gift from Meg made her happy.

even Spidey has to get groceries.

Fighting crime is hard work and is rewarded with a sucker.

Olive and Dustin. Love.

Halloween night at the community center.

too ... much ... cake ...

yes, there is such a thing. yesterday (and friday and thursday) we've had a lot of bday cake. and cupcakes. and pie. and OHHHHHHHHH i think i was punched in the stomach. owwwww.

*shakes fist in air*

damn you, cake ... DAMN YOU.

*assume fetal position, whimper*

the genius of a mini cupcake

you know, you can eat several before it actually counts as one regular sized cupcake.

 

*The more you know*

 

Olive plays dress-up at daycare

Olive is 1 today!

How in the hell did one year go so quickly? I think from the moment you add an infant to a house that has other kids you move on an almost constant basis. You know how when you're really busy at work and all of a sudden it's the end of the day? Like that.

Plans to celebrate her birthday? Tonight we'll do some dinner, a gift or two and, if time allows, I'll put together a cake and watch the kids spin out on sugar. Saturday we'll have friends over, eat more sweets and she'll have time to hang out with her friends Soren and Lila.

Those cheeks. Those marvelous, soft cheeks of hers. Her crazy long eyelashes, her Dustin-esque stare. Beautiful. And funny, GOD she's funny. She has a monster noise. A growl. It's fantastic. She also has the not-so-lovely habit of screaming when she's pissed, and I'd like to thank Oskar for teaching her that.
 
TIME FOR CAKE. photos to come.

An open letter to cilantro

Dear Cilantro,

You evil, evil thing.

 

You snuck your terrible self into my lunch today and I now have a lingering, cilantro-induced nausea and headache. So in addition to the crappy, soapy taste that now resides in the back of my throat, I feel awful.

 

I saw you there, lurking just on top of the surface of the yummy sauce-based entree at the Indian restaurant. I've become skilled at dodging you and your kind as I dip the naan.

 

I KNOW you wait for that moment that I hastily take a bite of the delicious samosa. I try to overlook you, hoping the cumin and the curry overrules your detergent-laden flavor.

 

You outdid yourself today, Cilantro. Today my head is pounding. My stomach is queasy.

 

I'm afraid I have to put you on lockdown, Cilantro. I can't risk feeling this horrible again, I can't take the chance anymore, I can't put myself out there for you to hurt me ever again. You hurt me more and more each time and it appears I have to avoid things I totally love because you hate me.

 

Fuck you, Cilantro, you dirty, dirty leaf. Fuck you.

 

minot

jeeeeeeeesus.
it's really eerie, driving block after block and seeing gutted, empty houses. and I hated feeling like a gawking tourist, but that didn't stop me from recording a few of the blocks I consider to be part of my old stomping ground... the duplex my family lives in when I was born; a house Stephen, Abbey & I lived in on Normal Street; the Jodadam house, the site of many-a theatre party.

just awful.

Three days of blogging in a row? STOP THE PRESS!

seriously, i'm surprising myself.

i love blogging. love it. why? a chance to spew the crap from my noggin out into the ether, and maybe it'll be read by someone, maybe not, but it's out there, no longer stirring around in my brain, clogging up my thoughts.

i'm beginning to adapt to my new schedule pretty well -- it's definitely nice knowing dustin is on the premises, that takes the "lonely-scared-intimiated" factor out of the new environment. i also have several seeral pics of my awesome family in my cube, so i can stare at the loveliness and feel better about not seeing them all day long.

who want to go out for lunch today? a show of hands, please ...

 

now, WHO'S BUYING? answer me THAT!

 

back to work.

 

sometimes ...

there's a lot of change happening lately. new job. new place to live. new daycare hours, soon to be new daycare place for the little ones. there's been stuff going on with abbey for years and as of january things are more difficult than any of us imagined it would be. and i don't feel like i can openly blog about it, but i need to write about it and get it out into the world that is the internet sometimes. i don't know why just writing about it to myself isn't enough, it's like i need to get it out so that maybe, just maybe someone dealing with the same stuff or someone who has been in this spot will, by some small chance, see it, and tell me everything will be okay.

 

some days i don't miss smoking. this is not one of those days.

 

THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Trying to get back in ye olde blogger saddle again. In lieu of smoking during mandated break times, I shall blog. (I’ve not smoked in years, but that’s beside the point.)

There’s a lot of stuff going on, and I’m getting overwhelmed. Maybe not OVERwhelmed, but definitely whelmed.

There are cookies at my desk. Three sugar cookies in the shape of pumpkins, complete with orange sprinkles and as a stem, green sprinkles. I got these at a bake sale at work with the intention of giving them to Oskar.

And he will still get a cookie – ONE cookie. I shall eat one to keep him from going into MASSIVE FUCKING SUPER SUGAR HYPER OVERLOAD while commuting home for an hour. I cannot repeat the poor parenting choice I made yesterday (a frosted donut and the remained of my dr. pepper. BAD MOM. BAD COMMUTE.)

So I will selflessly eat one of these cookies, for the good of the children.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

a week ...

and I'm crying a great deal less than last week. it's tough not having lots of daytime hours with the kids anymore - I cherish weekends like never before. it'll be nice when the commute shortens up (Oct. 31!) and when some other things fall into place with regards to our crazy schedule.

does anyone deliver brownies in Edina? if not, can you start?


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the first three days ...

I began my new job this week - production associate for the creative media dept at MLT Vacations. its the first job since 2007 I've had that is M-f, and it's the little ones' first encounter with full-time daycare.

it's been an interesting, long and, at times, tear-filled three days.

in many ways it feels wrong to spend so much of my waking time away from my kids. lots of crying at night for lil ol me, is what I'm getting at. once I'm at work and focused it gets easier, but I can't explain how happy I am that tomorrow is Saturday.

the kids are actually doing great at daycare, but the daycare is really far west of our office (I say "our" bc it's also Dustin's office) and makes for a long, stressful commute home with kids who just want to see mom & dad. and if you've ever driven in the cities during rush hour, you understand how going out of the way can add an extra 1/2 to 45 minutes to a commute. which, when accompanied by a crying infant and toddler who is screaming bc he's tires of hearing the crying infant, can lead to a complete mental breakdown on behalf of the driver.

so, do we switch, even though the kids are happy? and, keep in mind, we'll have to switch theme eventually (a year, year and a half?) the office is moving near the east metro, making a far west daycare trip impossible.

grown up decisions suck.

ill.

feel sick.
I've been sort of swimming in the sea of "why me?" lately. more specifically, I've been asking "WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING?" with regards to a situation that isn't directly about me (which is why, at this point, I'll remain vague about it). I'm just sad right now. Heartbroken. I want this not-to-be-disclosed situation to get better and it is just frustrating. And it makes me so sad that there is someone I love so very much struggling day after day, & there is no magic pill to a quick fix. It requires trial and error again and again. Baby steps when i want leaps and bounds.
fuck.



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still waiting.

a few things are now settled -- we've now got a condo (apartment w/laundry) lined up and my totaled Hyundai has been replaced with a PT Cruiser (which I've kinda been nerding out over, can't be helped). job? not yet. need to kick myself in the ass to get ScanBerry cookin' since I'm not doing anything that will earn $ right now. so. I need to do research on stuff. I also need to do about 8,521 things to get ready to start our move in three weeks. moving. ugh.

change freaks me out. a lot. this next month will be one long exercise in, fuck, I don't even know, controlling anxiety? not chewing off my own hands?

guess who is cute?




this girl.

Second verse ...

same as the first. Week three o' unemployment. Many, MANT resumes submitted and waiting for verdict on an interview from a week ago.

Pondering a home relocation to something more affordable, especially since I'm not working and haven't yet received any unemployment compensation.

People who bitch about the jobless mooching off the system clearly have never been in that spot. My compensation, when it does finally start, will be below 50% of my previous weekly wages. Better than nothing, but not super great.

Also carless, due to fender bender and low car value that wiped out the car. Suck.

Yeah, kinda feeling crappy. I think this time of uncertainty and waiting for decisions to be made/things to happen wears on me and I'm looking forward to being able to just plan things instead of constantly trying to what-if different scenarios in my head. I'm not good with limbo, is what I'm getting at.

For now I'm enjoying the time at home with the kiddies and learning to pick my battles with the one known as Hurricane Oskar.

And on that note, HOW do stay at home moms clean and cook and do laundry AND still entertain/care for the kids? Cause I'm kinda striking out with that.



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oh, this day of mine.

hair dye! interview clothes! minor car accident. boo. all in a day's work.


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No work for me today. But sweatpants are a go.

Had a great meeting with a recruiter from an agency this morning, so fingers crossed something that is temp-to-hire pops up with my name written all over it. Will be sad to send my lil ones to full-time daycare, but relieved when I know I'll have a paycheck again someday.

Had a dream about Minot last night. It was weird bc it was supposed to be Minot but we kept saying it was Bismarck — and I was on a common road (16th, I think?) and there were no houses left, it looked like lake-front property. There were also my trademark tornadoes that are in at least one of my dreams each week. Several funnels, some touching down, others just mini little dust devils, but as usual I'm trying to avoid them and watch them at the very same time. The usual dream involves me in a building that has glass walls/windows, so that, you know, interesting.

So my plan today has been mostly fulfilled: apply for jobs, lament how my cover letters are crappy and I should really pay a professional to write them for me, eat some cereal, catch up on Glee Project (which says very little about me and I'd be better off saying I was watching The Wire, but I like to be honest on here).

A little bummed. Feeling a little bit like I am without purpose currently. I know I have purpose ("I FOUND MY SPECIAL PURPOSE!") because I have a family and I have friends and I have this blog, a blog I've often neglected but it keeps welcoming me back with open arms — but a job would be nice.

I wonder if anyone reads this anymore, it's been sooooo very long since I've done much on here. *crickets*

This thing on?

wow.

losing a job that hasn't been ideal is kind of like being dumped from a crummy relationship. sure, it was somewhat dysfunctional and there were parts that mad you upset, but it was there and routine and something to be depended upon. "it's not you, it's me" never actually consoled me in breakups, and "it's not you, it's the economy" isn't a whole lot better. cause it's kinda me, bc it's something that I do, that I've worked at and now I'm told that it isn't important.

so there's that. finally something I can talk about on my much-neglected blog.

it's finally a nice enough evening to sit outside. when it's muggy outside I'm notoriously pissy, so this actually feels really, really nice.

here's a picture of a wee Olive on my lap:






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long long ago ...

I blogged on a regular basis. I also smoked on a regular basis. Then I quit smoking and never made time to blog. Now I have anxiety. Coincidence?


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support this guy!

saw a post from a friend I worked with at target corp. -- he mentioned a blog by a copywriter there who is going through chemotherapy and has set up a blog. it's a worthwhile blog to follow and, if you can, toss some support his way for his Livestrong goal!


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I'm beginning a list!

here is a list I've been thinking about.

THINGS THAT HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE AS GOOD AS THEY ARE

- coca cola
- feta cheese
- chicken in a biskit crackers
- actor jon hamm (don draper)

(feel free to add suggestions)

a brief thought

the phrase "I know, right?" is cause to cane someone.

as you were.

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blog post 1801

that's crazy. 1801 times i've put something out there for anyone to find. odd, this crazy internet.

i'm always meaning to do more blogging/writing, but i never get around to it. those days are over. i've noticed a direct correlation between my urge to smoke a gajillion cigarettes and the amount of stress i've been dealing with, and, as i've always known, writing makes me feel better.

technology, while amazing and fun and zany (seriously? a site of cats in sweaters? FUCK YEAH!),  is creating a whole shit-storm that parents have to weather. we've come across a situation in which we need to do more monitoring of the teenager's activities online. sure, we could just go amish on her and remove her from all technology, but these days kids only communicate with each other via email, texting and online chatting, so i've just completed about 67 steps that will make accessing certain networking sites from our home computers virtually (ha! get it? virtually?) impossible.
hey, mark zuckerberg, here's a tip: MAKE IT HARDER TO GET A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT. make the age 18 and require a NOTARIZED FUCKING FORM & a PHOTO ID to prove the age. i'm all for parental involvement but anyone can go to the public library and open a facebook account. i cannot possibly stand over my kid's shoulder every single time she is online.

i've spent much of today changing passwords, blocking sites, creating user accounts and modifying the settings of user accounts, changing wireless passwords and so on and so forth.

and does anyone know how to disable the wi-fi on an ipod touch? this is a mystery to me.

hey. whaddya know -- i feel a bit better. like i just purged a little bit of this crappy, bile feeling that's been rumbling in my stomach today. but without the actual horrific act of purging. thanks, blogger.

"we may be through with the past ..."

"... but the past ain't through with us." ~ bergen evans

i've been thinking about this topic a lot lately, how things that happened last week, last month, last year, last decade — basically all the way back to our first grand entry into the world — shapes us and affects us. how all those things, no matter how big or small, all those things have brought us to where we are right now.

a few days ago i was reminded of something that happened just a few years back, and i was surprised by how much it bothered me all over again. i was pissed at first. REALLY pissed. then i just kind of avoided thinking about it, hoping it would just kind of go away on it's own.

("it" being "the hurt i felt over something that a normal person would have gotten past but i'm overly sensitive.")

but instead it just came back a day or two later and disguised itself as generic irritability. now that i've realized that i'm feeling very shitty and short-tempered (which doesn't help when dealing with a toddler) because of this thing, i'm at a loss of how to deal with it.

i guess i thought i was through with this part of my past, but it's not quite through with me.

(i'm now eating a funfetti cupcake with funfetti frosting.)



i like to think that i'm somehow "better" than to be upset by things from the past. but i don't think it has anything to do with self-worth. there's a skill in dbt called "radical acceptance," which, easily translated, means to just accept something. it doesn't mean you have to like it or that you want it. you just have to accept it.

well i accept that i get pissed about stuff that that happened a while ago, and sometimes it comes back to haunt me a little bit. i accept that it's how i'm wired. i accept that i'm not always going to be cheery, i'm not always going to be able to handle stress or anxiety without some form of panic racing through my body at a neck-breaking speed. i accept that my family and friends know this about me and, somehow, accept and love me.