so sleepy i could actually vomit from it. okay, not ACTUALLY vomit. but it did cross my mind. but i'm so tired i ache. and i napped today. oskar is playing with the vacuum currently (not using it, but studying it) and now that i look behind me he has disregarded it (it's still on) and is talking to a toy elephant.
priorities.
just shut it off -- he's going to be very, very pissed in a moment. wait for it ...
not so much, pissed, but a bit dismayed.
christ, have i forgotten how to blog? how to create a thought-provoking blog post that brings you back to see what comes next, day after day?
i think i may have.
balls.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
a chalky aftertaste because it's CHALK.
i don't think a child has the right to snub food we make for dinner when he eats chalk every chance he gets. there's my two cents on the topic.
Friday, January 08, 2010
past few days and some thoughts on extended breastfeeding
spent 24 hours in minot -- or rather, in deering at the farm -- while dust had to go to a work thing in minot. even though i wasn't able to connect with my folks or our minot friends, it was a good chance for oskar to have some one-on-one time with dustin's parents. we'll be in minot the weekend of jan. 15 and hopefully we can catch up with everyone that weekend at some central location that we can all get to and have our kids at. ideas, anyone?
on the topic of long-term nursing... (and this is in NO WAY a condemnation of anyone who chooses to bottle feed, this is just my two cents on nursing in general. i'm all about choice on it.)
some people get freaked out by nursing in general, let alone nursing a child how can indicate that he would like to nurse. i don't plan on nursing him until he's in school, but i do kind of follow the mindset that kids know when it's their time to be done. here are a few key things that i like about it (i'm relaying the facts from two different articles) :
• World opinion is on your side. The World Health Organization (WHO) officially recommends mothers breastfeed until three years of age. That's right, THREE.
• For mothers, certain benefits of breastfeeding are cumulative and the longer a woman breastfeeds her children the greater she reduces her risk of developing various diseases. Lactation reduces a mother's risk of developing ovarian cancer, endometrial cancer, uterine cancer, breast cancer and osteoporosis. A woman who nurses her baby for at least a year effectively reduces her risk of developing breast cancer by 11%. If she nurses her toddler through age 2, she reduces her risk of developing breast cancer by 25%. If a mother breastfeeds her children for a cumulative seven years over her lifetime, her risk of developing breast cancer is almost entirely reduced. )
• Studies show that the longer and more frequently a mom nurses her baby, the smarter her child is likely to become. The brain grows more during the first two years of life than any other time, nearly tripling in size from birth to two years of age.
• Breastfeeding is also an exercise in baby reading, which enables a mother to more easily read her toddler's cues and intervene before a discipline situation gets out of hand.
all those are really important points to mention, but here's what i dig: when a baby is, well, a baby, they nurse because that is how they survive. they do it because that's how they are programmed, if you will. then they get older, and some babies wean earlier on their own, and milk supplies don't always cooperate how you'd like them to.
however when they get older and they are still nursing (at which point it's coined "comfort nursing," as it's more for nurturing than nutritional content), they totally get it. you can see how they look at you while nursing and they know it's a really cool, awesome thing that you are doing for them -- and for you, as long as it still works for the both of you.
that's the key point -- it has to work for BOTH mom and baby. and sometimes it won't work out that way, and that's okay, too. this is something that works for us -- largely because i have a schedule that is very accommodating to it.
i know that soon enough -- in the next few months -- oskar will start his own self-weaning process and we'll gradually decrease until we're down to the one comfort nursing time of day -- bedtime. that is the last one to go usually. for now i'm going to enjoy this time while it lasts.
well there it is. there's my GAJILLION cents on how i'm still nursing oskar and i think it's pretty cool.
on the topic of long-term nursing... (and this is in NO WAY a condemnation of anyone who chooses to bottle feed, this is just my two cents on nursing in general. i'm all about choice on it.)
some people get freaked out by nursing in general, let alone nursing a child how can indicate that he would like to nurse. i don't plan on nursing him until he's in school, but i do kind of follow the mindset that kids know when it's their time to be done. here are a few key things that i like about it (i'm relaying the facts from two different articles) :
• World opinion is on your side. The World Health Organization (WHO) officially recommends mothers breastfeed until three years of age. That's right, THREE.
• For mothers, certain benefits of breastfeeding are cumulative and the longer a woman breastfeeds her children the greater she reduces her risk of developing various diseases. Lactation reduces a mother's risk of developing ovarian cancer, endometrial cancer, uterine cancer, breast cancer and osteoporosis. A woman who nurses her baby for at least a year effectively reduces her risk of developing breast cancer by 11%. If she nurses her toddler through age 2, she reduces her risk of developing breast cancer by 25%. If a mother breastfeeds her children for a cumulative seven years over her lifetime, her risk of developing breast cancer is almost entirely reduced. )
• Studies show that the longer and more frequently a mom nurses her baby, the smarter her child is likely to become. The brain grows more during the first two years of life than any other time, nearly tripling in size from birth to two years of age.
• Breastfeeding is also an exercise in baby reading, which enables a mother to more easily read her toddler's cues and intervene before a discipline situation gets out of hand.
all those are really important points to mention, but here's what i dig: when a baby is, well, a baby, they nurse because that is how they survive. they do it because that's how they are programmed, if you will. then they get older, and some babies wean earlier on their own, and milk supplies don't always cooperate how you'd like them to.
however when they get older and they are still nursing (at which point it's coined "comfort nursing," as it's more for nurturing than nutritional content), they totally get it. you can see how they look at you while nursing and they know it's a really cool, awesome thing that you are doing for them -- and for you, as long as it still works for the both of you.
that's the key point -- it has to work for BOTH mom and baby. and sometimes it won't work out that way, and that's okay, too. this is something that works for us -- largely because i have a schedule that is very accommodating to it.
i know that soon enough -- in the next few months -- oskar will start his own self-weaning process and we'll gradually decrease until we're down to the one comfort nursing time of day -- bedtime. that is the last one to go usually. for now i'm going to enjoy this time while it lasts.
well there it is. there's my GAJILLION cents on how i'm still nursing oskar and i think it's pretty cool.
Friday, December 18, 2009
SNIDECARDS!
SNIDECARDS is the perfect place to find completely random, completely free e-cards that really express how disenchanted and angry you really are! come on by and visit!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
why kids are awesome.
sinister things found in my friend jenny's basement created by her daughters:
and my son is totally stylish:
and my son is totally stylish:
Thursday, December 10, 2009
i need to make a list ...
... of things i never thought i'd say, but eventually do say. today's contribution to this list:
"no, no, don't eat the pen."
(to toddler ... which begs the question, why the hell am i letting him play with a pen?)
in other news, start sending those FREE and INCREDIBLY CLEVER SNIDECARDS!
new ones being added *everyday!
*everyday that i remember to upload them
"no, no, don't eat the pen."
(to toddler ... which begs the question, why the hell am i letting him play with a pen?)
in other news, start sending those FREE and INCREDIBLY CLEVER SNIDECARDS!
new ones being added *everyday!
*everyday that i remember to upload them
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
nothing good can come from my this lint out of my brain right now ...
... but maybe just getting the lint out will be a good thing. it's one of those weirdo nights where nothing really is getting to me, then suddenly my head is all clunky on the inside and i keep forgetting that sometimes fall can really fuck me up for no other reason than i'm sprained. not broken, but definitely sprained. and it's just some bullshit that my head needs to wash out, so i take a shower to relax and isolate myself and i realize that i'm lathering and lathering and lathering and GUESS WHAT -- no amount of lather will wash away the fact that sometimes i am uncomfortable in my brain and in my body and in the jeans i was wearing and in the shirt i had on and nothing feels right nothing fits right just can't seem to wash it right off and start over with brand new skin and a brand new brain.
then after i type a bunch (see above) and i picture funny things -- dustin with the hood of oskar's frog costume on his head while he was eating a pear, abbey doing her soup dance, oskar pretending to sleep while in the car. i'm better. i'm back again. i'm myself again. sometimes i just need a little maintenance. so thanks for that, blogger.
then after i type a bunch (see above) and i picture funny things -- dustin with the hood of oskar's frog costume on his head while he was eating a pear, abbey doing her soup dance, oskar pretending to sleep while in the car. i'm better. i'm back again. i'm myself again. sometimes i just need a little maintenance. so thanks for that, blogger.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
"nothing yet has really sunk in ..."
most of the time i don't think about bram in terms of him being gone -- i've not been able to do that. i just go about my day and when he pops into my head i just dismiss the ache in my stomach with the thought that he's just busy or out of town. (this works for a while bc, like most friends, we'd go a while without catching up, but once we talked it was as if no time had passed.) denial. denial. denial. denial.
right now it just doesn't work. and i'm trying really hard not to focus on his death, but on his life and the amazing affect he had on everyone he met. i'm trying hard to focus on the fact that, long ago, he befriended a girl who was really really fucked up in many ways, and offered her unconditional love and friendship, no matter what she said, what she did. he never gave up on being my friend.
in high school i used to think that the notion of a "soul mate" was that somehow in this world of a gajillion choices and billions of people that there was one certain person who you were meant to be with.
it was bc of him that i learned that not only are there many people in your life that you can consider soul mates, but that a soul mate is not a term exclusively used for a romantic relationship. i think a soul mate is anyone who can see you as you really are and there is some sort of connection. it can be a friend, a spouse, a family member ... all of the above.
we had a connection. i want to believe that connection still exists somehow, even though he's no longer here. if i don't hold onto that, it's more than i can stand.
"... and i always thought that i'd see you again."
Monday, October 05, 2009
holy hell,
it's been a long time since blogging. I hate that I let so much time pass without writing and, let's face it, fb and twitter don't count.
the toddler is asleep on my outstretched right arm and I'm typing this on my phone with my right thumb. it's only a matter of time before my hand loses feeling -- actually that is happening now. aaaaand switch!
in the left hand. I should be sleeping -- I neeeed to sleep -- but my brain is going and thinking and twirling and I feel nothing of substance is landing on this page, just brain lint.
I'm not very disciplined when it comes to things like working out or writing, but I need to figure out a way to keep doing them ... at the very least, this blogging needs to happen more often.
sweet dreams, all.
the toddler is asleep on my outstretched right arm and I'm typing this on my phone with my right thumb. it's only a matter of time before my hand loses feeling -- actually that is happening now. aaaaand switch!
in the left hand. I should be sleeping -- I neeeed to sleep -- but my brain is going and thinking and twirling and I feel nothing of substance is landing on this page, just brain lint.
I'm not very disciplined when it comes to things like working out or writing, but I need to figure out a way to keep doing them ... at the very least, this blogging needs to happen more often.
sweet dreams, all.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
some thoughts on health care reform...
as written by my longtime friend, Jason Wood. what he wrote on his facebook page pretty much sums it up pretty well. here goes...
"Here's what will happen if we leave health insurance alone: Premiums will continue to rise at almost twice the rate of inflation. Many small businesses will be priced out of providing insurance for their employees. Millions will be negligently underinsured when fly-by-night companies enter the game hooking customers with low premiums while ... Read Moredelivering anemic coverage. Medical realted bankruptcies, foreclosures, and repositions will drive billions into the debt everyone fears will be caused by reforming health care.
I got tons more to say. (In the words of Al Pacino ... "I'm just getting WARMED UP ...) I'm also sick of hearing about "communism". Funny thing is, communists aren't especially known as being humanitarian role models. Ask the Afghanis about the Russians being "bleeding heart liberals".
And Family Research Council; if you actually are Christain, shame on you. Go do some research ... on families WITHOUT insurance. Actual Christians care about helping others, not towing the lines of the political action groups and insurance companies.
Maybe I missed in the New Testament where Jesus enters the temple and tells God to stay out of the free market.
I recently went to the doctor and got my toe examined. Later I was poked with a needle. Two blood tests were run. According to the health provider I used, this cost over $500. Insurance covered just over 50% of it. Thank the-previously-mentioned-free-market-living-rightwing-version of Jesus this wasn't a serious procedure. What scares me is what ... Read Morepeople without insurance do when their left toes swell up like Jerry Lewis in the 1980's? Do they fork over five large bills? Or maybe they just limp around until it gets better?
And I don't want to hear about your "tax dollars" anymore. You paid your money, but you've also got a ton of things for that. Roads, schools, hospitals, telephones, law enforcement, water, power, garbage removal, television, radio, military, air travel, tax breaks are just a small part of the millions of things we receive for our tax dollars. I'm sure if Ted Nugent or Glen Beck added up their ledgers, they'd find themselves pretty far into the black on that deal.
And if you've collected Medicaid or Medicare and yet you don't believe in socialist health care reform, pay your money back. That would go a long way to reducing that deficit you're so worried about our kids having. And don't collect Social Security either, because you'd really hate taking that free ride.
So far, we've determined it's okay for government to get involved in the battle over reporoductive rights, securing religious freedoms, and protecting traditional marriage. It's okay to fight a War against Drugs, a War Against Terror, and a war against the War on Christmas ... but leave the health insurance companies alone? Sickening.
Health care providers mark-up their services so high that even the guys selling bottled water at Loolapollza cringe. Isn't gouging a crime? Guess not if it's done while wearing a tie.
And Mr. High Finance Fortune Editor-At-Large, I read your "Five Freedoms You'd Lose in Health Care Reform". Your proctologist called: he found your head.
People who don't have insurance either don't have a Preferred Provider Plans or dreamy tax deductiable Health Savings Accounts.
I saw you on CNN where you talked about the ever escalating premium costs. And your solution is to co-opt McCain's plan for people to drop employer insurance plans and get a $2500 tax rebate to buy their own insurance. So, you want to solve the problem of HIGH PREMIUMS by having Americans take self funded insurance so they can pay HIGH PREMIUMS. Great solution. It's like curing AIDS by going and getting more AIDS. ... Read More
And try qualifying for service coverage when you have a pre-exsisting condition. Would your COBRA styled insurance cover your cranal/rectal problems? I think not.
Honestly, I love America. You could even say I'm gay for it. There are so many freedoms and opportunities here. But the freedom to let others to die, while people protect someone's right to gouge their fellow man, isn't right. Protecting the welfare of all citizens is in the preanmble of the constitution. Your founding fathers found it so important... Read More that they wanted you to see it first.
I'm pretty sure God doesn't want us to play God, so why should insurance companies and hospitals and idealogues determine who lives and who dies?
On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place."
"Here's what will happen if we leave health insurance alone: Premiums will continue to rise at almost twice the rate of inflation. Many small businesses will be priced out of providing insurance for their employees. Millions will be negligently underinsured when fly-by-night companies enter the game hooking customers with low premiums while ... Read Moredelivering anemic coverage. Medical realted bankruptcies, foreclosures, and repositions will drive billions into the debt everyone fears will be caused by reforming health care.
I got tons more to say. (In the words of Al Pacino ... "I'm just getting WARMED UP ...) I'm also sick of hearing about "communism". Funny thing is, communists aren't especially known as being humanitarian role models. Ask the Afghanis about the Russians being "bleeding heart liberals".
And Family Research Council; if you actually are Christain, shame on you. Go do some research ... on families WITHOUT insurance. Actual Christians care about helping others, not towing the lines of the political action groups and insurance companies.
Maybe I missed in the New Testament where Jesus enters the temple and tells God to stay out of the free market.
I recently went to the doctor and got my toe examined. Later I was poked with a needle. Two blood tests were run. According to the health provider I used, this cost over $500. Insurance covered just over 50% of it. Thank the-previously-mentioned-free-market-living-rightwing-version of Jesus this wasn't a serious procedure. What scares me is what ... Read Morepeople without insurance do when their left toes swell up like Jerry Lewis in the 1980's? Do they fork over five large bills? Or maybe they just limp around until it gets better?
And I don't want to hear about your "tax dollars" anymore. You paid your money, but you've also got a ton of things for that. Roads, schools, hospitals, telephones, law enforcement, water, power, garbage removal, television, radio, military, air travel, tax breaks are just a small part of the millions of things we receive for our tax dollars. I'm sure if Ted Nugent or Glen Beck added up their ledgers, they'd find themselves pretty far into the black on that deal.
And if you've collected Medicaid or Medicare and yet you don't believe in socialist health care reform, pay your money back. That would go a long way to reducing that deficit you're so worried about our kids having. And don't collect Social Security either, because you'd really hate taking that free ride.
So far, we've determined it's okay for government to get involved in the battle over reporoductive rights, securing religious freedoms, and protecting traditional marriage. It's okay to fight a War against Drugs, a War Against Terror, and a war against the War on Christmas ... but leave the health insurance companies alone? Sickening.
Health care providers mark-up their services so high that even the guys selling bottled water at Loolapollza cringe. Isn't gouging a crime? Guess not if it's done while wearing a tie.
And Mr. High Finance Fortune Editor-At-Large, I read your "Five Freedoms You'd Lose in Health Care Reform". Your proctologist called: he found your head.
People who don't have insurance either don't have a Preferred Provider Plans or dreamy tax deductiable Health Savings Accounts.
I saw you on CNN where you talked about the ever escalating premium costs. And your solution is to co-opt McCain's plan for people to drop employer insurance plans and get a $2500 tax rebate to buy their own insurance. So, you want to solve the problem of HIGH PREMIUMS by having Americans take self funded insurance so they can pay HIGH PREMIUMS. Great solution. It's like curing AIDS by going and getting more AIDS. ... Read More
And try qualifying for service coverage when you have a pre-exsisting condition. Would your COBRA styled insurance cover your cranal/rectal problems? I think not.
Honestly, I love America. You could even say I'm gay for it. There are so many freedoms and opportunities here. But the freedom to let others to die, while people protect someone's right to gouge their fellow man, isn't right. Protecting the welfare of all citizens is in the preanmble of the constitution. Your founding fathers found it so important... Read More that they wanted you to see it first.
I'm pretty sure God doesn't want us to play God, so why should insurance companies and hospitals and idealogues determine who lives and who dies?
On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place."
Thursday, July 23, 2009
tough night with the wee lad
cutting a molar ... horrendous diaper rash brought on by antibiotics, a week where his schedule was very different bc his dad was out if town ... yeah, oskar let us know in no uncertain terms tonight that he was PISSED. totally pissed. and tired. with burning, sore skin no matter how I slathered on the diaper cream.
(on that topic, I usually take no issue with the store version brand of anything.... but the target brand of desitin SUCKS. just an FYI for anyone who cares.)
currently he's being danced around the living room by his daddy, which is good for not only the two of them, but me too. it's sweet to see and nice to be reminded that oskar is willing to take comfort from someone else after a week of intense mommy attachment.
(on that topic, I usually take no issue with the store version brand of anything.... but the target brand of desitin SUCKS. just an FYI for anyone who cares.)
currently he's being danced around the living room by his daddy, which is good for not only the two of them, but me too. it's sweet to see and nice to be reminded that oskar is willing to take comfort from someone else after a week of intense mommy attachment.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
a day with family
so we met up at my kid sister's apartment complex today. also joining us was one of my older sisters and her four kids ... swimming, grilling hot dogs (go hebrew national!) and just hanging out.
at one point we were leaving the jacuzzi room and oskar was sitting in the floor, playing with some goggles. not wanting him to chew on them, I took them from his hand and gave him something else instead. that totally pissed him off and he pulled his usual "training to be 2" stunt -- forcefully pushing himself backward while sitting.
at home with carpeting this isn't usually an issue. in a room with ceramic floor tiles, it was a very big deal, as the back if his head slammed. it was so loud and I instantly picked him up as he screamed and I ran into a different room, feeling the back of his head for any blood, fractures, etc.
holy fuck. that's all I can think to say ... holy fuck. luckily my older sister is well-versed with what to do about head bumps -- 3 of her 4 kids are boys -- so she told me what to do (nurse immediately to calm him) and what to watch out for (puking, walking wobbly, uneven pupils, etc).
(thanks, aim!)
he calmed down really quickly and just nursed and nursed. i, however, wanted to puke. I kept thinking how should have expected him to do that, I should have let him hold the freaking goggles until we were safely standing.
once he was up and running around I excused myself to the bathroom and promptly cried my eyes out.
there is no end to the worry/guilt/pain when your kid is hurting. no end at all.
so so tired from today. must sleep
at one point we were leaving the jacuzzi room and oskar was sitting in the floor, playing with some goggles. not wanting him to chew on them, I took them from his hand and gave him something else instead. that totally pissed him off and he pulled his usual "training to be 2" stunt -- forcefully pushing himself backward while sitting.
at home with carpeting this isn't usually an issue. in a room with ceramic floor tiles, it was a very big deal, as the back if his head slammed. it was so loud and I instantly picked him up as he screamed and I ran into a different room, feeling the back of his head for any blood, fractures, etc.
holy fuck. that's all I can think to say ... holy fuck. luckily my older sister is well-versed with what to do about head bumps -- 3 of her 4 kids are boys -- so she told me what to do (nurse immediately to calm him) and what to watch out for (puking, walking wobbly, uneven pupils, etc).
(thanks, aim!)
he calmed down really quickly and just nursed and nursed. i, however, wanted to puke. I kept thinking how should have expected him to do that, I should have let him hold the freaking goggles until we were safely standing.
once he was up and running around I excused myself to the bathroom and promptly cried my eyes out.
there is no end to the worry/guilt/pain when your kid is hurting. no end at all.
so so tired from today. must sleep
Thursday, June 18, 2009
movies i wanna see...
How to Be
robert pattinson and his accent. yep, i'm there.
Shutter Island
the idea of mental hospitals intrigues me. who knew?
Surrogates
not my usual type of movie, but i dig bruce willis in some stuff. and he looks like a badass in this one.
Away We Go
*sighhhhh*
Zombieland
i should be more excited about this, but it just appears lackluster.
robert pattinson and his accent. yep, i'm there.
Shutter Island
the idea of mental hospitals intrigues me. who knew?
Surrogates
not my usual type of movie, but i dig bruce willis in some stuff. and he looks like a badass in this one.
Away We Go
*sighhhhh*
Zombieland
i should be more excited about this, but it just appears lackluster.
dental day
reason for visit (among others):
tooth broken to nearly nothing
fear of dentist: worried they will tell me I have the world's worst teeth.
verdict:
broken tooth (third from back lower jaw) beyond repair, remnants to be removed next Tuesday (at 100% coverage!)
other issues:
small cavity in lower back molar (100% coverage!)
down the road a bit:
crown on a different lower molar left (60%... boo)
crown on lowar molar right that could, if I wanted, have a bridge attached to fill the gap left by current broken tooth. or just leave that space open forever (not visible). or get an implant to fill space (pricey!).
who really gives a rat's arse about my
little dental laundry list??? no one except my brain, who is now happy bc it's on "paper" and therefore out of my head, and now I can nap.
then there is something else swimming around. neither here nor there, a nap might help that one, too.
tooth broken to nearly nothing
fear of dentist: worried they will tell me I have the world's worst teeth.
verdict:
broken tooth (third from back lower jaw) beyond repair, remnants to be removed next Tuesday (at 100% coverage!)
other issues:
small cavity in lower back molar (100% coverage!)
down the road a bit:
crown on a different lower molar left (60%... boo)
crown on lowar molar right that could, if I wanted, have a bridge attached to fill the gap left by current broken tooth. or just leave that space open forever (not visible). or get an implant to fill space (pricey!).
who really gives a rat's arse about my
little dental laundry list??? no one except my brain, who is now happy bc it's on "paper" and therefore out of my head, and now I can nap.
then there is something else swimming around. neither here nor there, a nap might help that one, too.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I need to make friends with a dentist ...
who wants to do free of charge work on my teeth out of the goodness of his/her heart.
any dentists wanna be friends? I'd be a GREAT before/after candidate!
please?????
any dentists wanna be friends? I'd be a GREAT before/after candidate!
please?????
Sunday, June 14, 2009
another one? it's a Christmas miracle!
by "Christmas" I mean "late spring" and by "miracle" I mean ... actually that's pretty much the bestcword for it.
I'm feeling drab. like nothing of interest comes out of my brain to spew out as pearls of wisdom, wit or anything else starting with a w.
I feel like I am irritating to people. the things I say, the manner in which I react. and I so, so tire of feeling this way. I want to have days where I don't misinterpret a glance as a glare.
I can sort of summarize my thoughts right now as falling into the category of "aftermath." without getting too specific, it's been a challenging year on many fronts. and while I perform extraordinarily well under pressure (dun dun dun dadadun dun), I tend to melt down and fall to pieces after things settle down. I ignore my own well being for so long that when I come back to it, I don't know where the fuck to start.
2:23 am and need sleep. it's just time.
I'm feeling drab. like nothing of interest comes out of my brain to spew out as pearls of wisdom, wit or anything else starting with a w.
I feel like I am irritating to people. the things I say, the manner in which I react. and I so, so tire of feeling this way. I want to have days where I don't misinterpret a glance as a glare.
I can sort of summarize my thoughts right now as falling into the category of "aftermath." without getting too specific, it's been a challenging year on many fronts. and while I perform extraordinarily well under pressure (dun dun dun dadadun dun), I tend to melt down and fall to pieces after things settle down. I ignore my own well being for so long that when I come back to it, I don't know where the fuck to start.
2:23 am and need sleep. it's just time.
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