Pics o' the weekend

being an alien made her angry.

being a gnome made her angry.

ribbon on a gift from Meg made her happy.

even Spidey has to get groceries.

Fighting crime is hard work and is rewarded with a sucker.

Olive and Dustin. Love.

Halloween night at the community center.

too ... much ... cake ...

yes, there is such a thing. yesterday (and friday and thursday) we've had a lot of bday cake. and cupcakes. and pie. and OHHHHHHHHH i think i was punched in the stomach. owwwww.

*shakes fist in air*

damn you, cake ... DAMN YOU.

*assume fetal position, whimper*

the genius of a mini cupcake

you know, you can eat several before it actually counts as one regular sized cupcake.

 

*The more you know*

 

Olive plays dress-up at daycare

Olive is 1 today!

How in the hell did one year go so quickly? I think from the moment you add an infant to a house that has other kids you move on an almost constant basis. You know how when you're really busy at work and all of a sudden it's the end of the day? Like that.

Plans to celebrate her birthday? Tonight we'll do some dinner, a gift or two and, if time allows, I'll put together a cake and watch the kids spin out on sugar. Saturday we'll have friends over, eat more sweets and she'll have time to hang out with her friends Soren and Lila.

Those cheeks. Those marvelous, soft cheeks of hers. Her crazy long eyelashes, her Dustin-esque stare. Beautiful. And funny, GOD she's funny. She has a monster noise. A growl. It's fantastic. She also has the not-so-lovely habit of screaming when she's pissed, and I'd like to thank Oskar for teaching her that.
 
TIME FOR CAKE. photos to come.

An open letter to cilantro

Dear Cilantro,

You evil, evil thing.

 

You snuck your terrible self into my lunch today and I now have a lingering, cilantro-induced nausea and headache. So in addition to the crappy, soapy taste that now resides in the back of my throat, I feel awful.

 

I saw you there, lurking just on top of the surface of the yummy sauce-based entree at the Indian restaurant. I've become skilled at dodging you and your kind as I dip the naan.

 

I KNOW you wait for that moment that I hastily take a bite of the delicious samosa. I try to overlook you, hoping the cumin and the curry overrules your detergent-laden flavor.

 

You outdid yourself today, Cilantro. Today my head is pounding. My stomach is queasy.

 

I'm afraid I have to put you on lockdown, Cilantro. I can't risk feeling this horrible again, I can't take the chance anymore, I can't put myself out there for you to hurt me ever again. You hurt me more and more each time and it appears I have to avoid things I totally love because you hate me.

 

Fuck you, Cilantro, you dirty, dirty leaf. Fuck you.

 

minot

jeeeeeeeesus.
it's really eerie, driving block after block and seeing gutted, empty houses. and I hated feeling like a gawking tourist, but that didn't stop me from recording a few of the blocks I consider to be part of my old stomping ground... the duplex my family lives in when I was born; a house Stephen, Abbey & I lived in on Normal Street; the Jodadam house, the site of many-a theatre party.

just awful.

Three days of blogging in a row? STOP THE PRESS!

seriously, i'm surprising myself.

i love blogging. love it. why? a chance to spew the crap from my noggin out into the ether, and maybe it'll be read by someone, maybe not, but it's out there, no longer stirring around in my brain, clogging up my thoughts.

i'm beginning to adapt to my new schedule pretty well -- it's definitely nice knowing dustin is on the premises, that takes the "lonely-scared-intimiated" factor out of the new environment. i also have several seeral pics of my awesome family in my cube, so i can stare at the loveliness and feel better about not seeing them all day long.

who want to go out for lunch today? a show of hands, please ...

 

now, WHO'S BUYING? answer me THAT!

 

back to work.

 

sometimes ...

there's a lot of change happening lately. new job. new place to live. new daycare hours, soon to be new daycare place for the little ones. there's been stuff going on with abbey for years and as of january things are more difficult than any of us imagined it would be. and i don't feel like i can openly blog about it, but i need to write about it and get it out into the world that is the internet sometimes. i don't know why just writing about it to myself isn't enough, it's like i need to get it out so that maybe, just maybe someone dealing with the same stuff or someone who has been in this spot will, by some small chance, see it, and tell me everything will be okay.

 

some days i don't miss smoking. this is not one of those days.

 

THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Trying to get back in ye olde blogger saddle again. In lieu of smoking during mandated break times, I shall blog. (I’ve not smoked in years, but that’s beside the point.)

There’s a lot of stuff going on, and I’m getting overwhelmed. Maybe not OVERwhelmed, but definitely whelmed.

There are cookies at my desk. Three sugar cookies in the shape of pumpkins, complete with orange sprinkles and as a stem, green sprinkles. I got these at a bake sale at work with the intention of giving them to Oskar.

And he will still get a cookie – ONE cookie. I shall eat one to keep him from going into MASSIVE FUCKING SUPER SUGAR HYPER OVERLOAD while commuting home for an hour. I cannot repeat the poor parenting choice I made yesterday (a frosted donut and the remained of my dr. pepper. BAD MOM. BAD COMMUTE.)

So I will selflessly eat one of these cookies, for the good of the children.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

a week ...

and I'm crying a great deal less than last week. it's tough not having lots of daytime hours with the kids anymore - I cherish weekends like never before. it'll be nice when the commute shortens up (Oct. 31!) and when some other things fall into place with regards to our crazy schedule.

does anyone deliver brownies in Edina? if not, can you start?


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the first three days ...

I began my new job this week - production associate for the creative media dept at MLT Vacations. its the first job since 2007 I've had that is M-f, and it's the little ones' first encounter with full-time daycare.

it's been an interesting, long and, at times, tear-filled three days.

in many ways it feels wrong to spend so much of my waking time away from my kids. lots of crying at night for lil ol me, is what I'm getting at. once I'm at work and focused it gets easier, but I can't explain how happy I am that tomorrow is Saturday.

the kids are actually doing great at daycare, but the daycare is really far west of our office (I say "our" bc it's also Dustin's office) and makes for a long, stressful commute home with kids who just want to see mom & dad. and if you've ever driven in the cities during rush hour, you understand how going out of the way can add an extra 1/2 to 45 minutes to a commute. which, when accompanied by a crying infant and toddler who is screaming bc he's tires of hearing the crying infant, can lead to a complete mental breakdown on behalf of the driver.

so, do we switch, even though the kids are happy? and, keep in mind, we'll have to switch theme eventually (a year, year and a half?) the office is moving near the east metro, making a far west daycare trip impossible.

grown up decisions suck.

ill.

feel sick.
I've been sort of swimming in the sea of "why me?" lately. more specifically, I've been asking "WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING?" with regards to a situation that isn't directly about me (which is why, at this point, I'll remain vague about it). I'm just sad right now. Heartbroken. I want this not-to-be-disclosed situation to get better and it is just frustrating. And it makes me so sad that there is someone I love so very much struggling day after day, & there is no magic pill to a quick fix. It requires trial and error again and again. Baby steps when i want leaps and bounds.
fuck.



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still waiting.

a few things are now settled -- we've now got a condo (apartment w/laundry) lined up and my totaled Hyundai has been replaced with a PT Cruiser (which I've kinda been nerding out over, can't be helped). job? not yet. need to kick myself in the ass to get ScanBerry cookin' since I'm not doing anything that will earn $ right now. so. I need to do research on stuff. I also need to do about 8,521 things to get ready to start our move in three weeks. moving. ugh.

change freaks me out. a lot. this next month will be one long exercise in, fuck, I don't even know, controlling anxiety? not chewing off my own hands?

guess who is cute?




this girl.

Second verse ...

same as the first. Week three o' unemployment. Many, MANT resumes submitted and waiting for verdict on an interview from a week ago.

Pondering a home relocation to something more affordable, especially since I'm not working and haven't yet received any unemployment compensation.

People who bitch about the jobless mooching off the system clearly have never been in that spot. My compensation, when it does finally start, will be below 50% of my previous weekly wages. Better than nothing, but not super great.

Also carless, due to fender bender and low car value that wiped out the car. Suck.

Yeah, kinda feeling crappy. I think this time of uncertainty and waiting for decisions to be made/things to happen wears on me and I'm looking forward to being able to just plan things instead of constantly trying to what-if different scenarios in my head. I'm not good with limbo, is what I'm getting at.

For now I'm enjoying the time at home with the kiddies and learning to pick my battles with the one known as Hurricane Oskar.

And on that note, HOW do stay at home moms clean and cook and do laundry AND still entertain/care for the kids? Cause I'm kinda striking out with that.



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oh, this day of mine.

hair dye! interview clothes! minor car accident. boo. all in a day's work.


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No work for me today. But sweatpants are a go.

Had a great meeting with a recruiter from an agency this morning, so fingers crossed something that is temp-to-hire pops up with my name written all over it. Will be sad to send my lil ones to full-time daycare, but relieved when I know I'll have a paycheck again someday.

Had a dream about Minot last night. It was weird bc it was supposed to be Minot but we kept saying it was Bismarck — and I was on a common road (16th, I think?) and there were no houses left, it looked like lake-front property. There were also my trademark tornadoes that are in at least one of my dreams each week. Several funnels, some touching down, others just mini little dust devils, but as usual I'm trying to avoid them and watch them at the very same time. The usual dream involves me in a building that has glass walls/windows, so that, you know, interesting.

So my plan today has been mostly fulfilled: apply for jobs, lament how my cover letters are crappy and I should really pay a professional to write them for me, eat some cereal, catch up on Glee Project (which says very little about me and I'd be better off saying I was watching The Wire, but I like to be honest on here).

A little bummed. Feeling a little bit like I am without purpose currently. I know I have purpose ("I FOUND MY SPECIAL PURPOSE!") because I have a family and I have friends and I have this blog, a blog I've often neglected but it keeps welcoming me back with open arms — but a job would be nice.

I wonder if anyone reads this anymore, it's been sooooo very long since I've done much on here. *crickets*

This thing on?

wow.

losing a job that hasn't been ideal is kind of like being dumped from a crummy relationship. sure, it was somewhat dysfunctional and there were parts that mad you upset, but it was there and routine and something to be depended upon. "it's not you, it's me" never actually consoled me in breakups, and "it's not you, it's the economy" isn't a whole lot better. cause it's kinda me, bc it's something that I do, that I've worked at and now I'm told that it isn't important.

so there's that. finally something I can talk about on my much-neglected blog.

it's finally a nice enough evening to sit outside. when it's muggy outside I'm notoriously pissy, so this actually feels really, really nice.

here's a picture of a wee Olive on my lap:






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long long ago ...

I blogged on a regular basis. I also smoked on a regular basis. Then I quit smoking and never made time to blog. Now I have anxiety. Coincidence?


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