a few weekend pics.

thanks for the awesome fort, Uncle C.!

so, so sleepy post food.

the awesome Abbey.

naptime for kiddies.

sweet Oskar.

Grandma Jen getting love from Olive.

a damn cute video.

confession time:

some days i feel my heart get all weirdy and i then have to spend the next 15 minutes doing breathing that will calm me down. not calm my heart down, bc really that little palipatation lasted about 1 second. nope, just breathing that will calm me down from worry about my heart. which i shouldn't worry so much over.

after brammy died of a heart attack i got increasingly worried about my health, bc even though he had some health issues, he was only 33. every heartburn that seems to come out of nowhere, every skipped beat sends a speed-of-thought message to my brain that signals for my panic to kick in.

also, every so often i get an aura migraine, which is scary and makes me worry i'm having a stroke. which is unlikely, but even just the migraine stuff is hard when you have little ones -- first sign is usually vision issues in one eye to the point where i can't see without having a black spot where one eye is trying to focus. then the dysphasia, which is the inability to speak using the correct words for things. then hand/tongue numbness. and, if you have any history with panic, you know that tingling fingers is a part of panic, which means if i sense a slight tingle, it flags my brain as "PANIC NOW! MIGRAINE ON THE WAY!"

why am i confessing all this? i don't know, i feel like it's some dirty little secret that i'm tired of carrying all on my own (although dustin knows about it) and i'm so fucking tired of being afraid so much. it was really bad when i was at home alone with the little kids more -- it would get so overblown that a slight feeling of dread would balloon into what felt like my arms being on fire - necessitating dustin to come home from work bc i was sure something bad was happening to me and the little ones would be all alone and scared and abandoned.

i've even gotten a fucking SELF-HELP CD that i listen to when i have the slightest sense of anxiety that is unwarranted. (it's from a company in the UK, so they could be reading out of the phonebook but the accent alone seems to help me out.) yep, i'm that person. i've stopped drinking soda with caffeine bc it never fails - i go overboard with it (bc coca-cola is the most awesome-est beverage on the planet) and BOOM -- racing heartbeat. feeling of dread that comes from raching heartbeat, and then my brain can't be stopped.

monday i will be tested for all things allergic and if it's in the clear, my next move will be to buy the biggest bag of cashews EVER. (and, fun fact, cashews can help with anxiety. WIN.)

*update
i just ate a slice of pecan pie because my love of pecan pie, which i have not had in years, outweighed my fear of allergic reaction. i'm pretty sure the fluffy lips feeling i experienced was psychosomatic, but we'll see ... and the fact that i'm not FREAKING out over this shows that blogging about all this crap has helped me a little bit.

**update 2
no unusual allergic reactions. YAY PIE!

***update 3 (just two minutes later than previous update)
my throat feels sore -- not itchy, but like i have a tender throat when i swallow. probably unrelated. STAY TUNED!

****update 4
just heard that allergic reactions can take up to TWO hours to show up. are you fucking kidding me?

Random thought ...

that popped into my head: the art collection at the Minot public library. I have no idea why, but suddenly I was remembering walking through the aisle that displays the collection you can actually rent. then I started thinking about the hours spent using the card catalog to find books, the tapes I'd check out, I can even recall the smell of the place. I've not heard about the damage the library sustained in the flood, but I'm guessing it must've been substantial. I miss that library.
I was sort of planning it to be a crappy, stressful night -- and it mostly wasn't, except that poor Olly had a fever. now sleeping feels like what I really need.

and then there are the days ...

... where if i think too much about certain stuff, i'll just fall apart. blergh.

 

pictures! lots of pictures! and exclamation points!

me and the youngest larson sister.

sweet oskar.

lunch at sammy's pizza - always a win.

us girls.

olive loves grandma jen.

what a face.

sleepy birthday girl.

"olive's birthday, blah blah blah ..."

3 of 4 sisters plus a lil olive.

olive explaining something important to auntie m.

gnome olive!

mmm ... cake.

"i'm one!"

she loves her aunt.

"yayyy!"

Pics o' the weekend

being an alien made her angry.

being a gnome made her angry.

ribbon on a gift from Meg made her happy.

even Spidey has to get groceries.

Fighting crime is hard work and is rewarded with a sucker.

Olive and Dustin. Love.

Halloween night at the community center.

too ... much ... cake ...

yes, there is such a thing. yesterday (and friday and thursday) we've had a lot of bday cake. and cupcakes. and pie. and OHHHHHHHHH i think i was punched in the stomach. owwwww.

*shakes fist in air*

damn you, cake ... DAMN YOU.

*assume fetal position, whimper*

the genius of a mini cupcake

you know, you can eat several before it actually counts as one regular sized cupcake.

 

*The more you know*

 

Olive plays dress-up at daycare

Olive is 1 today!

How in the hell did one year go so quickly? I think from the moment you add an infant to a house that has other kids you move on an almost constant basis. You know how when you're really busy at work and all of a sudden it's the end of the day? Like that.

Plans to celebrate her birthday? Tonight we'll do some dinner, a gift or two and, if time allows, I'll put together a cake and watch the kids spin out on sugar. Saturday we'll have friends over, eat more sweets and she'll have time to hang out with her friends Soren and Lila.

Those cheeks. Those marvelous, soft cheeks of hers. Her crazy long eyelashes, her Dustin-esque stare. Beautiful. And funny, GOD she's funny. She has a monster noise. A growl. It's fantastic. She also has the not-so-lovely habit of screaming when she's pissed, and I'd like to thank Oskar for teaching her that.
 
TIME FOR CAKE. photos to come.

An open letter to cilantro

Dear Cilantro,

You evil, evil thing.

 

You snuck your terrible self into my lunch today and I now have a lingering, cilantro-induced nausea and headache. So in addition to the crappy, soapy taste that now resides in the back of my throat, I feel awful.

 

I saw you there, lurking just on top of the surface of the yummy sauce-based entree at the Indian restaurant. I've become skilled at dodging you and your kind as I dip the naan.

 

I KNOW you wait for that moment that I hastily take a bite of the delicious samosa. I try to overlook you, hoping the cumin and the curry overrules your detergent-laden flavor.

 

You outdid yourself today, Cilantro. Today my head is pounding. My stomach is queasy.

 

I'm afraid I have to put you on lockdown, Cilantro. I can't risk feeling this horrible again, I can't take the chance anymore, I can't put myself out there for you to hurt me ever again. You hurt me more and more each time and it appears I have to avoid things I totally love because you hate me.

 

Fuck you, Cilantro, you dirty, dirty leaf. Fuck you.

 

minot

jeeeeeeeesus.
it's really eerie, driving block after block and seeing gutted, empty houses. and I hated feeling like a gawking tourist, but that didn't stop me from recording a few of the blocks I consider to be part of my old stomping ground... the duplex my family lives in when I was born; a house Stephen, Abbey & I lived in on Normal Street; the Jodadam house, the site of many-a theatre party.

just awful.

Three days of blogging in a row? STOP THE PRESS!

seriously, i'm surprising myself.

i love blogging. love it. why? a chance to spew the crap from my noggin out into the ether, and maybe it'll be read by someone, maybe not, but it's out there, no longer stirring around in my brain, clogging up my thoughts.

i'm beginning to adapt to my new schedule pretty well -- it's definitely nice knowing dustin is on the premises, that takes the "lonely-scared-intimiated" factor out of the new environment. i also have several seeral pics of my awesome family in my cube, so i can stare at the loveliness and feel better about not seeing them all day long.

who want to go out for lunch today? a show of hands, please ...

 

now, WHO'S BUYING? answer me THAT!

 

back to work.

 

sometimes ...

there's a lot of change happening lately. new job. new place to live. new daycare hours, soon to be new daycare place for the little ones. there's been stuff going on with abbey for years and as of january things are more difficult than any of us imagined it would be. and i don't feel like i can openly blog about it, but i need to write about it and get it out into the world that is the internet sometimes. i don't know why just writing about it to myself isn't enough, it's like i need to get it out so that maybe, just maybe someone dealing with the same stuff or someone who has been in this spot will, by some small chance, see it, and tell me everything will be okay.

 

some days i don't miss smoking. this is not one of those days.

 

THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Trying to get back in ye olde blogger saddle again. In lieu of smoking during mandated break times, I shall blog. (I’ve not smoked in years, but that’s beside the point.)

There’s a lot of stuff going on, and I’m getting overwhelmed. Maybe not OVERwhelmed, but definitely whelmed.

There are cookies at my desk. Three sugar cookies in the shape of pumpkins, complete with orange sprinkles and as a stem, green sprinkles. I got these at a bake sale at work with the intention of giving them to Oskar.

And he will still get a cookie – ONE cookie. I shall eat one to keep him from going into MASSIVE FUCKING SUPER SUGAR HYPER OVERLOAD while commuting home for an hour. I cannot repeat the poor parenting choice I made yesterday (a frosted donut and the remained of my dr. pepper. BAD MOM. BAD COMMUTE.)

So I will selflessly eat one of these cookies, for the good of the children.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

a week ...

and I'm crying a great deal less than last week. it's tough not having lots of daytime hours with the kids anymore - I cherish weekends like never before. it'll be nice when the commute shortens up (Oct. 31!) and when some other things fall into place with regards to our crazy schedule.

does anyone deliver brownies in Edina? if not, can you start?


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the first three days ...

I began my new job this week - production associate for the creative media dept at MLT Vacations. its the first job since 2007 I've had that is M-f, and it's the little ones' first encounter with full-time daycare.

it's been an interesting, long and, at times, tear-filled three days.

in many ways it feels wrong to spend so much of my waking time away from my kids. lots of crying at night for lil ol me, is what I'm getting at. once I'm at work and focused it gets easier, but I can't explain how happy I am that tomorrow is Saturday.

the kids are actually doing great at daycare, but the daycare is really far west of our office (I say "our" bc it's also Dustin's office) and makes for a long, stressful commute home with kids who just want to see mom & dad. and if you've ever driven in the cities during rush hour, you understand how going out of the way can add an extra 1/2 to 45 minutes to a commute. which, when accompanied by a crying infant and toddler who is screaming bc he's tires of hearing the crying infant, can lead to a complete mental breakdown on behalf of the driver.

so, do we switch, even though the kids are happy? and, keep in mind, we'll have to switch theme eventually (a year, year and a half?) the office is moving near the east metro, making a far west daycare trip impossible.

grown up decisions suck.

ill.

feel sick.
I've been sort of swimming in the sea of "why me?" lately. more specifically, I've been asking "WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING?" with regards to a situation that isn't directly about me (which is why, at this point, I'll remain vague about it). I'm just sad right now. Heartbroken. I want this not-to-be-disclosed situation to get better and it is just frustrating. And it makes me so sad that there is someone I love so very much struggling day after day, & there is no magic pill to a quick fix. It requires trial and error again and again. Baby steps when i want leaps and bounds.
fuck.



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still waiting.

a few things are now settled -- we've now got a condo (apartment w/laundry) lined up and my totaled Hyundai has been replaced with a PT Cruiser (which I've kinda been nerding out over, can't be helped). job? not yet. need to kick myself in the ass to get ScanBerry cookin' since I'm not doing anything that will earn $ right now. so. I need to do research on stuff. I also need to do about 8,521 things to get ready to start our move in three weeks. moving. ugh.

change freaks me out. a lot. this next month will be one long exercise in, fuck, I don't even know, controlling anxiety? not chewing off my own hands?

guess who is cute?




this girl.