Saturday, December 31, 2005
jessica alba is not smart.
maybe she is, but i just don't think she plays a smart person very well.
"those solar winds have been picking up..."
it's ALMOST as fun as watching tara reid play a smart person in the movie "alone in the dark." ALMOST.
some prime quotes:
"he does the talkin', i do all the walkin'."
holy god, jessica alba SUCKS.
ooh, a BITCHIN' extreme sport scene...what a SHOCK!
marvel comics, why have you forsaken us?
"those solar winds have been picking up..."
it's ALMOST as fun as watching tara reid play a smart person in the movie "alone in the dark." ALMOST.
some prime quotes:
"he does the talkin', i do all the walkin'."
holy god, jessica alba SUCKS.
ooh, a BITCHIN' extreme sport scene...what a SHOCK!
marvel comics, why have you forsaken us?
happy new year, folks!
guess what tastes not as bad as you think together?
white grenache and salt-n-vinegar chips! purely discovered by accident but you know what? i'm not stoppin' either one! call it determination...
kidding. i'm not getting rock-star trashed on new year's eve -- i've got a kid to hang out with, some chips to eat and some movies to watch. hurrah!
white grenache and salt-n-vinegar chips! purely discovered by accident but you know what? i'm not stoppin' either one! call it determination...
kidding. i'm not getting rock-star trashed on new year's eve -- i've got a kid to hang out with, some chips to eat and some movies to watch. hurrah!
movies i still need to see
"walk the line."
"brokeback mountain."
"cheaper by the dozen 2."
"matchpoint."
(one of thes is not actually something i'll see...can you guess?)
"brokeback mountain."
"cheaper by the dozen 2."
"matchpoint."
(one of thes is not actually something i'll see...can you guess?)
an audio post explanation
kiddo got two copies of "charlie and the chocolate factory" for cmas this year. she returned one today and in exchange, purchased the Narnia soundtrack and a cape. that's right, i said "cape." it's a darth vadar cape that was on clearance and she emerged from her room, making her vadar noise. so that warranted a post.
just now, she ran off and tossed her cape my way, saying "can you hold my cape? vadar needs to use the bathroom."
she'll be delighted i posted that last bit.
just now, she ran off and tossed her cape my way, saying "can you hold my cape? vadar needs to use the bathroom."
she'll be delighted i posted that last bit.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
thank you, former owners!
the people who owned this house before us left a chair. an avacado green vinyl recliner. it was on the second floor when moved in and since that time, it has sat in my bedroom, across from my bed. it's purpose, until just moments ago, was that of a clothing rack. wait. that makes it sound organized. it was a spot for me to toss clothing that i didn't wear in usual rotation and that i was too lazy to put away. well tonight i was sitting in bed, lamenting over the loss of a few paragraphs because microsoft word sucks ass and froze up, and i saw the chair. the chair saw me. we regarded each other. i decided to clean off the chair ("clean" meaning "toss crap onto floor") and have a sit.
and now i am. i'm having a sit. my feet are elevated and my cats are pissed they can't sit on it, too. but this is my chair. my green chair that provides firm back support for a girl who writes.
thinking back on my life, i don't think i've ever been capable of keeping a bedroom tidy. given the numerous things i could be doing with my time (blogging, reading blogs, watching movies, etc.), it seems silly to devote SO MUCH TIME to a place where i really only sleep. it's not the living room, where i spend much of my day. it's not the kitchen, where i make and consume food. it's a room where i keep my clothes and i sleep.
even growing up, however, i never kept my room clean. i had hours of phone conversations to have with boys my parents didn't approve of, hair to make poofy, tapes to mix and bad poetry to write. i spent most waking moments in my room, but even then it seemed like a wase of time to clean it up.
(on itunes now: "chances are" by johnny mathis.)
from where i'm sitting i can see a bookshelf on my left that is home to a few different journals. uh oh..i'm feeling a journal entry coming on!
this journal i receivved from my lovely, wonderful, amazing friend matt, whom i met at moorhead state univ. in 1993. i first saw matt at an english club meeting and he lived in my dorm on the floor for older students -- he was 23, i think, i was 18. i was walking back to my dorm and i saw this guy -- this total hippie -- walking back to the same dorm through the grass with no shoes on. i eventually passed him and i was whistling, and i distinctly remember him sort of whistling along with me. he was (and still is, if memory serves) absolutely brilliant and stunning and beautiful. i had a crush on him for about 20 minutes, then realized that this wonderful man would become a best friend of mine. and he did. he used to call me pokey tok, for illicit reasons. the day i left moorhead state, all my friends helped me pack up my stuff into my parent's minivan and all of a sudden, after already saying goodbye to my matt, he ran out from behind the dorm to say goodbye again.
i've not thought about that in a long time. anyhow, he gave me the journal on march 20, 1994.
--------
3/20/94
i have struggled so long to get to this point, and now i have to up and leave. will he ever know what he does to me? [AM TRYING TO RECALL WHO THE "HE" WAS]
do i tell him or do i wait for him to miss me first? [OK. I REMEMBER NOW. HMM.] my stomach hurts, i feel like crying. no, i feel like smoking. i'm going to tell my dad eventually, as the cigarette butts MIGHT give it away. so much to unpack. so much to lose. nothing to give.
[the inevitable decline of kari begins around this point. watch for the fun!]
3/23/94
where am i at? are you there? will i be gone when i get there? what is this ripping feeling? why can't it leave me alone? why is this in me? who put this here?
this is me. this is what i fear. i fear myself. i fear the monster i just saw i fear the mosnters in my closet the monsters in my head. they are yelling at me, telling me things that are untrue. i am scared of everything.
[later that day]
i'm watching my sister meg sleep. how can she be related to me? she is so little and pure and unknowing. this beautiful, tempermental creature is just sleeping. i wonder if i will have one like her one day? how would my life be different without her? i don't want to imagine, i can't imagine. what i wouldn't give for her. i would lay down my worthless life for hers. she inspires me to continue living.
3/25/94
it's all unfolding around me. i still have no control. everything is spinning around in a sick and twisted whirlwind of colors and images of smiles and screams.
[the entries are interrupted by really, really shitty poetry that i don't think anyone needs to read.]
then there are a few letters written to boys that were never sent. a nice little excerpt:
"to you i'm a consolation prize, a friend when no one else can stand you. and now i'm nothing. fuck you."
-----
a few more journals sitting on the shelf, but why have too much fun in one night, right?
and now i am. i'm having a sit. my feet are elevated and my cats are pissed they can't sit on it, too. but this is my chair. my green chair that provides firm back support for a girl who writes.
thinking back on my life, i don't think i've ever been capable of keeping a bedroom tidy. given the numerous things i could be doing with my time (blogging, reading blogs, watching movies, etc.), it seems silly to devote SO MUCH TIME to a place where i really only sleep. it's not the living room, where i spend much of my day. it's not the kitchen, where i make and consume food. it's a room where i keep my clothes and i sleep.
even growing up, however, i never kept my room clean. i had hours of phone conversations to have with boys my parents didn't approve of, hair to make poofy, tapes to mix and bad poetry to write. i spent most waking moments in my room, but even then it seemed like a wase of time to clean it up.
(on itunes now: "chances are" by johnny mathis.)
from where i'm sitting i can see a bookshelf on my left that is home to a few different journals. uh oh..i'm feeling a journal entry coming on!
this journal i receivved from my lovely, wonderful, amazing friend matt, whom i met at moorhead state univ. in 1993. i first saw matt at an english club meeting and he lived in my dorm on the floor for older students -- he was 23, i think, i was 18. i was walking back to my dorm and i saw this guy -- this total hippie -- walking back to the same dorm through the grass with no shoes on. i eventually passed him and i was whistling, and i distinctly remember him sort of whistling along with me. he was (and still is, if memory serves) absolutely brilliant and stunning and beautiful. i had a crush on him for about 20 minutes, then realized that this wonderful man would become a best friend of mine. and he did. he used to call me pokey tok, for illicit reasons. the day i left moorhead state, all my friends helped me pack up my stuff into my parent's minivan and all of a sudden, after already saying goodbye to my matt, he ran out from behind the dorm to say goodbye again.
i've not thought about that in a long time. anyhow, he gave me the journal on march 20, 1994.
--------
3/20/94
i have struggled so long to get to this point, and now i have to up and leave. will he ever know what he does to me? [AM TRYING TO RECALL WHO THE "HE" WAS]
do i tell him or do i wait for him to miss me first? [OK. I REMEMBER NOW. HMM.] my stomach hurts, i feel like crying. no, i feel like smoking. i'm going to tell my dad eventually, as the cigarette butts MIGHT give it away. so much to unpack. so much to lose. nothing to give.
[the inevitable decline of kari begins around this point. watch for the fun!]
3/23/94
where am i at? are you there? will i be gone when i get there? what is this ripping feeling? why can't it leave me alone? why is this in me? who put this here?
this is me. this is what i fear. i fear myself. i fear the monster i just saw i fear the mosnters in my closet the monsters in my head. they are yelling at me, telling me things that are untrue. i am scared of everything.
[later that day]
i'm watching my sister meg sleep. how can she be related to me? she is so little and pure and unknowing. this beautiful, tempermental creature is just sleeping. i wonder if i will have one like her one day? how would my life be different without her? i don't want to imagine, i can't imagine. what i wouldn't give for her. i would lay down my worthless life for hers. she inspires me to continue living.
3/25/94
it's all unfolding around me. i still have no control. everything is spinning around in a sick and twisted whirlwind of colors and images of smiles and screams.
[the entries are interrupted by really, really shitty poetry that i don't think anyone needs to read.]
then there are a few letters written to boys that were never sent. a nice little excerpt:
"to you i'm a consolation prize, a friend when no one else can stand you. and now i'm nothing. fuck you."
-----
a few more journals sitting on the shelf, but why have too much fun in one night, right?
dready kari
dready kari
Originally uploaded by kllnin.
if i had dreadlocks (and was fifty pounds lighter), i would look like this.
the Millenium episode is all gold
Scully: And besides 2001 is actually the start of the new millennium.
Mulder: Nobody likes a math geek, Scully.
Mulder: Nobody likes a math geek, Scully.
x files effing ROCKS
so i'm watching more of season seven, and there are some i've not seen before. and they are really freaking good. so this is my thursday night.
denise levertov is a good poet
props to andy for bringing denise levertov to my attention.
Losing track
Long after you have swung back
away from me
I think you are still with me:
you come in close to the shore
on the tide
and nudge me awake the way
a boat adrift nudges the pier:
am I a pier
half-in half-out of the water?
and in the pleasure of that communion
I lose track,
the moon I watch goes down, the
tide swings you away before
I know I'm
alone again long since,
mud sucking at gray and black
timbers of me,
a light growth of green dreams drying.
Losing track
Long after you have swung back
away from me
I think you are still with me:
you come in close to the shore
on the tide
and nudge me awake the way
a boat adrift nudges the pier:
am I a pier
half-in half-out of the water?
and in the pleasure of that communion
I lose track,
the moon I watch goes down, the
tide swings you away before
I know I'm
alone again long since,
mud sucking at gray and black
timbers of me,
a light growth of green dreams drying.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
my favorite book...
is "the unbearable lightness of being" by milan kundera. and the following passage will show why...
"He kept recalling her lying on his bed; she reminded him of no one in his former life. She was neither mistress nor wife. She was a child whom he had taken from a bulrush basket that had been daubed with pitch and sent to the riverbank of his bed. She fell asleep. He knelt down next to her. Her feverous breath quickened and she gave out a quick moan. He pressed his face to hers and whispered calming words into her sleep. After a while he felt her breath return to normal and her face rise unconsciously to meet his. He smelled the delicate aroma of her fever and breathed it in, as if trying to glut himself with the intimacy of her body. And all at once he fancied she had been with him for many years and was dying. He had a sudden clear feeling that he would not survive her death. He would lie down beside her and wnat to die with her..."
beautiful stuff, that. and here's more:
"We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come."
and:
"Einmal ist keinmal, says Tomas to himself. What happens but once, says the German adage, might as well not have happeneed at all. If we only have one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all."
oh, and why not:
"Tomas did not realize at the time that metaphors are dangerous. Metaphors are not to be trifled with. A single metaphor can give birth to love."
and since we're at it:
"Tomas came to this conclusion: Making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman.)"
"He kept recalling her lying on his bed; she reminded him of no one in his former life. She was neither mistress nor wife. She was a child whom he had taken from a bulrush basket that had been daubed with pitch and sent to the riverbank of his bed. She fell asleep. He knelt down next to her. Her feverous breath quickened and she gave out a quick moan. He pressed his face to hers and whispered calming words into her sleep. After a while he felt her breath return to normal and her face rise unconsciously to meet his. He smelled the delicate aroma of her fever and breathed it in, as if trying to glut himself with the intimacy of her body. And all at once he fancied she had been with him for many years and was dying. He had a sudden clear feeling that he would not survive her death. He would lie down beside her and wnat to die with her..."
beautiful stuff, that. and here's more:
"We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come."
and:
"Einmal ist keinmal, says Tomas to himself. What happens but once, says the German adage, might as well not have happeneed at all. If we only have one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all."
oh, and why not:
"Tomas did not realize at the time that metaphors are dangerous. Metaphors are not to be trifled with. A single metaphor can give birth to love."
and since we're at it:
"Tomas came to this conclusion: Making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman.)"
X FILES!!!
i heart x files. but i have mixed feelings about the later seasons.
but this one has duchovny! yay!
he just makes the later seasons look SO below-average.
"bear with us, cause we're old and stupid." his delivery is delightful.
david duchovny: read out of a phonebook, record it, and i'll buy it.
------------
other thoughts...
movies i need to see (and i can't believe i've not seen yet):
"brokeback mountain"
"walk the line"
i need to get on that.
but for now, it's xfiles time.
but this one has duchovny! yay!
he just makes the later seasons look SO below-average.
"bear with us, cause we're old and stupid." his delivery is delightful.
david duchovny: read out of a phonebook, record it, and i'll buy it.
------------
other thoughts...
movies i need to see (and i can't believe i've not seen yet):
"brokeback mountain"
"walk the line"
i need to get on that.
but for now, it's xfiles time.
movie night for MOI
"my grammy never gave gifts. she was too busy being raped by cossacks."
again, Annie Hall is a great fucking movie.
what is YOUR favorite line from Annie Hall?
(and if you haven't seen it, well what in the hell are you waiting for???)
again, Annie Hall is a great fucking movie.
what is YOUR favorite line from Annie Hall?
(and if you haven't seen it, well what in the hell are you waiting for???)
what are you watching right now?
why, i'm watching "annie hall." and i'll be eating chocolate covered cherries any minute now. they are Cella's, and that means they lack that creepy white filling.
i'll also be drinking some wine shortly.
"for god sakes, alvie, even freud speaks of a latency period!"
this movie kicks ass.
i'll also be drinking some wine shortly.
"for god sakes, alvie, even freud speaks of a latency period!"
this movie kicks ass.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
fear factor for families? eww.
that is just fucked up all over the place.
second interview was more of an orientation, as the main hirer person couldn't make it in, and i found out that i'm the only one they are looking at for the gig....
but don't uncross those fingers yet. hopefully i'll know for certain in the next week or so.
(happy dance!)
second interview was more of an orientation, as the main hirer person couldn't make it in, and i found out that i'm the only one they are looking at for the gig....
but don't uncross those fingers yet. hopefully i'll know for certain in the next week or so.
(happy dance!)
(untitled)
yeah, couldn't think of a title for my post.
aaaand, it the morning of the interview, and so now i need to go try on six different outfits to find which one makes me look most competent. and has anyone seen my dark brown mary janes? cause i need 'em....
aaaand, it the morning of the interview, and so now i need to go try on six different outfits to find which one makes me look most competent. and has anyone seen my dark brown mary janes? cause i need 'em....
Monday, December 26, 2005
i'm watching "the island"
even though i don't generally like michael bay films.
however, steve buscemi's character has a great quote:
"you know when you want something really bad,
you close your eyes and you wish for it?
god's the guy that ignores you."
however, steve buscemi's character has a great quote:
"you know when you want something really bad,
you close your eyes and you wish for it?
god's the guy that ignores you."
bloggin from the road
(although i'm back in st. paul now, here is my post from yesterday. that wasn't actually posted until today. you with me?)
bloggin' from the road, part II
sunday, dec. 25, 11:20 a.m.
we are nearing minot at this point after eating our weight in all sorts of goodies at my dad's place. (song just played: and all that could have been. song now starting: love song)
another slogan for north dakota, but more minot-based:
"Minot, ND: You'll never wish for a faster death!"
"Minot, ND: The place to be....if you hate yourself!"
"Why not Minot? Where do I start?"
acquired all sorts of goodies from dad and others -- as domestic as this may seem (and we know how i work against that), i am REALLY excited about the Kitchen Aid food processor. why? because i know the torment of crushing graham crackers by hand (and spoon...and fork...) in an effort to make a crust for bars. i mean, my god! they are freakin' crackers! they are just formed crumbs! why must getting them back to crumb state so difficult? and then i can make guacamole and stuff like that -- stuff that i would otherwise just buy and it would be crappy. among many dvds received i also aqcquired NICK AND JESSICA: SEASONS 2 AND 3 -- some people watch "Survivor," some watch "The Biggest Loser." me? i choose mtv reality crap. my guilty pleasure, from mattel.
(now on: you're beautiful by james blunt)
i am v. anxious about the interview/spending time in the office with staff thing on tuesday. i've made it past the "first date," now i need to convince them that i'm good to keep it going.
so general question: i wore a grey skirt and black shirt to interview 1...what next? something a little bit less businessy? or more of the same? hmm...may need to hit the after-cmas sales (because i like being assaulted by angry gift-returners).
38 miles to minot. the sinking feeling has begun.
i've been going through an interesting range of emotions. for a long time i pretty much shut off emotions like this (paraphrased from a friend, if we didn't shut ourselves off, we would start screaming and never stop), but lately i've opened right up. which can lead to AMAZING happiness and, at the same time, heartbreaking melancholy.
minot, even for a few hours, will be interesting.
i just promised (now playing: hold on by sarah mclachlan) kiddo that i would play our car game with her. basically it is us taking turns thinking of an actor/actress and the other person has to ask questions to figure out who it is. and i'll tell you what -- i may be the master at names, but she has totally schooled me on the new generation of actors-- kids from "Charlie," "Narnia," etc.
onto the game.
10:26 p.m. dec. 25
now playing: the blower's daughter by damien rice
i'm riding the empire builder!
okay, i'm not riding it. i'm sitting on it. still in minot. close to an hour later than it should have left. and i'm really, really hoping this laptop's battery lasts as long as i would like it to. that would approximately be long enough to do some writing while listening to music, and then watch a movie. or two. or, better yet, watch some episodes of "newlyweds," compliments of my dad.
nick and jessica=definition of guilty pleasure.
the train takes a long time to move along, true. however you can't beat the leg room and the fact that i can basically sleep the entire way home.
home is an interesting word. not word -- idea. until my family completely left minot, i would still catch myself saying "home" about it. "we are going home for christmas," i would say, even after having purchased our house in st. paul. today we arrived in minot and abbey made the comment "i feel like i'm home." i had no way to identify with what she was saying. at all. (now playing: nin's closer)
in fact, minot makes me slightly sick to the stomach.. i'm sad that i won't get to see more people before leaving here, i'm sad that dustin, while being sickly, has the entire drive to himself on tuesday. however i'm not sad about leaving this town. in fact, i don't feel too drawn to coming back. maybe once all of your relatives (in-laws notwithstanding) vacate a place, any appeal the place ever had diminishes to zero. that is minot to me. a place i grew up, a place my family lived in, a place that has some great memories but a place that also represents the vileness that my life has seen. fuck minot, that's what i say.
10:34 and the train is starting to move along. that's my cue to sleep.
bloggin' from the road, part II
sunday, dec. 25, 11:20 a.m.
we are nearing minot at this point after eating our weight in all sorts of goodies at my dad's place. (song just played: and all that could have been. song now starting: love song)
another slogan for north dakota, but more minot-based:
"Minot, ND: You'll never wish for a faster death!"
"Minot, ND: The place to be....if you hate yourself!"
"Why not Minot? Where do I start?"
acquired all sorts of goodies from dad and others -- as domestic as this may seem (and we know how i work against that), i am REALLY excited about the Kitchen Aid food processor. why? because i know the torment of crushing graham crackers by hand (and spoon...and fork...) in an effort to make a crust for bars. i mean, my god! they are freakin' crackers! they are just formed crumbs! why must getting them back to crumb state so difficult? and then i can make guacamole and stuff like that -- stuff that i would otherwise just buy and it would be crappy. among many dvds received i also aqcquired NICK AND JESSICA: SEASONS 2 AND 3 -- some people watch "Survivor," some watch "The Biggest Loser." me? i choose mtv reality crap. my guilty pleasure, from mattel.
(now on: you're beautiful by james blunt)
i am v. anxious about the interview/spending time in the office with staff thing on tuesday. i've made it past the "first date," now i need to convince them that i'm good to keep it going.
so general question: i wore a grey skirt and black shirt to interview 1...what next? something a little bit less businessy? or more of the same? hmm...may need to hit the after-cmas sales (because i like being assaulted by angry gift-returners).
38 miles to minot. the sinking feeling has begun.
i've been going through an interesting range of emotions. for a long time i pretty much shut off emotions like this (paraphrased from a friend, if we didn't shut ourselves off, we would start screaming and never stop), but lately i've opened right up. which can lead to AMAZING happiness and, at the same time, heartbreaking melancholy.
minot, even for a few hours, will be interesting.
i just promised (now playing: hold on by sarah mclachlan) kiddo that i would play our car game with her. basically it is us taking turns thinking of an actor/actress and the other person has to ask questions to figure out who it is. and i'll tell you what -- i may be the master at names, but she has totally schooled me on the new generation of actors-- kids from "Charlie," "Narnia," etc.
onto the game.
10:26 p.m. dec. 25
now playing: the blower's daughter by damien rice
i'm riding the empire builder!
okay, i'm not riding it. i'm sitting on it. still in minot. close to an hour later than it should have left. and i'm really, really hoping this laptop's battery lasts as long as i would like it to. that would approximately be long enough to do some writing while listening to music, and then watch a movie. or two. or, better yet, watch some episodes of "newlyweds," compliments of my dad.
nick and jessica=definition of guilty pleasure.
the train takes a long time to move along, true. however you can't beat the leg room and the fact that i can basically sleep the entire way home.
home is an interesting word. not word -- idea. until my family completely left minot, i would still catch myself saying "home" about it. "we are going home for christmas," i would say, even after having purchased our house in st. paul. today we arrived in minot and abbey made the comment "i feel like i'm home." i had no way to identify with what she was saying. at all. (now playing: nin's closer)
in fact, minot makes me slightly sick to the stomach.. i'm sad that i won't get to see more people before leaving here, i'm sad that dustin, while being sickly, has the entire drive to himself on tuesday. however i'm not sad about leaving this town. in fact, i don't feel too drawn to coming back. maybe once all of your relatives (in-laws notwithstanding) vacate a place, any appeal the place ever had diminishes to zero. that is minot to me. a place i grew up, a place my family lived in, a place that has some great memories but a place that also represents the vileness that my life has seen. fuck minot, that's what i say.
10:34 and the train is starting to move along. that's my cue to sleep.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
a post from the road
so here is some blogging i did whilst en route to bismarck --- where i currently have the "i slept for two hours so now i'm wide freakin' awake" insomnia type deal.
anyhow to you i present "bloggin on the road"
bloggin' from the road!
i've been sleeping for the better part of the trip thus far -- we got on the road about half past six this morning and it's now 9 a.m. currently listening to a random compilation, beginning with "beast of burden" by the rolling stones.
we're about 20 minutes outside of fergus falls and the ol' stomach is starting to growl slightly -- nothing a roadside cigarette and some crystal light can't remedy.
the gameboy is a big hit with the kiddo -- she has been playing the "narnia" game solidly for a couple of hours, with intermittent pleas for me to help her move rocks. the gameboy is freakin' PRICELESS when it comes to car trips.
and it's also funny b/c dustin has the ipod up pretty loud with some political something or other, so whenever she asks for help -- which has been every two minutes are so -- he has to pause it. makes me giggle a little bit in an evil way.
kind of sad that i will miss seeing my friend who still live in minot, given the fact that i have to return sunday night to mpls., but getting home in time for the interview is more important. (now playing: "under pressure.") i guess that's a grown up choice, huh? if i thought that amtrak had any way in hell of not being late upon arrival, i'd have taken the monday night train. however i know the train schedule in winter and i know that it would be my luck for the train to be several hours late, thus fucking me in the job department. i need none of that.
(now playing: "friend of mine" by liz phair.)
dustin was glad to receive the big ass stretched canvas i got him for christmas, plus some new brushes. hopefully this will spur him into painting again.
and my gift? oh, the gift of comfort folks. i received from dustin a cushion that attaches to a chair that will massage your upper back, lower back and thighs. (insert drooling sound here) this will make life so much more pleasant for an aging, decrepit hag like myself.
hopefully our dog is not tormenting the lovely lizzie, who volunteered to take her for the weekend, saving us lots of money in the area of kenneling her. (note to self: find gift card for lizzie. and buy her many drinks for her coming bday this week.)
i can tell we're getting closer to the nd border. the white landscape is becoming indistinguishable from the white sky. that and the sad, sinking feeling that nd is famous for offering (although that is seldom mentioned in their tourism campaign).
"Visit North Dakota! We promise you won't wish for death immediately!"
"North Dakota has much to offer! And we don't just mean the meth labs!"
"Discover the spirit of North Dakota, and watch your own spirit vanish!"
"Why not Minot? Crippling depression!"
"You'll be excited to come back! We'll keep your prescription on file!"
anyhow to you i present "bloggin on the road"
bloggin' from the road!
i've been sleeping for the better part of the trip thus far -- we got on the road about half past six this morning and it's now 9 a.m. currently listening to a random compilation, beginning with "beast of burden" by the rolling stones.
we're about 20 minutes outside of fergus falls and the ol' stomach is starting to growl slightly -- nothing a roadside cigarette and some crystal light can't remedy.
the gameboy is a big hit with the kiddo -- she has been playing the "narnia" game solidly for a couple of hours, with intermittent pleas for me to help her move rocks. the gameboy is freakin' PRICELESS when it comes to car trips.
and it's also funny b/c dustin has the ipod up pretty loud with some political something or other, so whenever she asks for help -- which has been every two minutes are so -- he has to pause it. makes me giggle a little bit in an evil way.
kind of sad that i will miss seeing my friend who still live in minot, given the fact that i have to return sunday night to mpls., but getting home in time for the interview is more important. (now playing: "under pressure.") i guess that's a grown up choice, huh? if i thought that amtrak had any way in hell of not being late upon arrival, i'd have taken the monday night train. however i know the train schedule in winter and i know that it would be my luck for the train to be several hours late, thus fucking me in the job department. i need none of that.
(now playing: "friend of mine" by liz phair.)
dustin was glad to receive the big ass stretched canvas i got him for christmas, plus some new brushes. hopefully this will spur him into painting again.
and my gift? oh, the gift of comfort folks. i received from dustin a cushion that attaches to a chair that will massage your upper back, lower back and thighs. (insert drooling sound here) this will make life so much more pleasant for an aging, decrepit hag like myself.
hopefully our dog is not tormenting the lovely lizzie, who volunteered to take her for the weekend, saving us lots of money in the area of kenneling her. (note to self: find gift card for lizzie. and buy her many drinks for her coming bday this week.)
i can tell we're getting closer to the nd border. the white landscape is becoming indistinguishable from the white sky. that and the sad, sinking feeling that nd is famous for offering (although that is seldom mentioned in their tourism campaign).
"Visit North Dakota! We promise you won't wish for death immediately!"
"North Dakota has much to offer! And we don't just mean the meth labs!"
"Discover the spirit of North Dakota, and watch your own spirit vanish!"
"Why not Minot? Crippling depression!"
"You'll be excited to come back! We'll keep your prescription on file!"
guess what is fun?
stopping at super america to fill up the car and, upon powering up the laptop, realizing that there is wireless internet there. so, happy holidays and in the words of b.b. king (and every other singer who has covered it), Merry Christmas, Baby.
Friday, December 23, 2005
a photo story
any of you familiar with these sodas?
well my sister had them. we decided to try them. the flavors are turkey and gravy. brussel sprouts, stuffing, pumpkin pie and cranberry.
here is how the turkey and gravy fared.
and the brussel sprouts? well neither meg nor i tried it, but poor c. george did...
and the stuffing?
well, maybe the pumpkin pie won't be so bad...
the cranberry was pretty much assy, too.
tomorrow, 6 a.m. will begin out expedition to north dakota. my interview will bring me back early on the train -- that way i will have plenty of time to make myself all nervous.
and hey, happy holidays, everyone!
well my sister had them. we decided to try them. the flavors are turkey and gravy. brussel sprouts, stuffing, pumpkin pie and cranberry.
here is how the turkey and gravy fared.
and the brussel sprouts? well neither meg nor i tried it, but poor c. george did...
and the stuffing?
well, maybe the pumpkin pie won't be so bad...
the cranberry was pretty much assy, too.
tomorrow, 6 a.m. will begin out expedition to north dakota. my interview will bring me back early on the train -- that way i will have plenty of time to make myself all nervous.
and hey, happy holidays, everyone!
Thursday, December 22, 2005
a great idea from jege
from a suggestion from jege, i have created a photo to illustrate what a duck, clearly not in a row of any kind, looks like when wielding a machete.
and then i went a step further to illustrate that ducks are also packin'.
and then i went a step further to illustrate that ducks are also packin'.
an audio post? maybe soon.
so i was playing ye olde guitar this evening and had the thought that maybe i should audio blog some muzak.
then i lost motivation.
but soon.
then i lost motivation.
but soon.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
the crazy week has begun and...
oh crap! weeks! crazy weeks! plural! this week AND NEXT WEEK. monday holidays are no good to me!
yeah, so the schedule is that i need to have one paper built and sent by 4 p.m. thursday, and a second one built and sent by 10 a.m. friday. could that mean that i have to do TWO tomorrow? pretty much.
i try not to be a big whiner baby about this, but i can't help it. if everyone else had their "ducks in a row" then the papers would come together, smoothly, effortlessly. however not only are the ducks NOT in a row, the ducks are running wildly and swinging machetes.
here's a story about how grade school can completely suck and, at the same time, offer moments of incredible funny:
so the kiddo has had problems with a girl in her class. apparently this girl called the kiddo -- MY KIDDO -- a freak.
my kiddo wrote the girl a note which included the following sentence:
i am not a freak! (I am not Michael Jackson!)
and who says pop culture is not good for the youth of today...
and the next interview is lined up for tuesday. hurrah!
are your fingers still crossed? you can let them relax for the holidays. but then you better cross them again by tuesday...
yeah, so the schedule is that i need to have one paper built and sent by 4 p.m. thursday, and a second one built and sent by 10 a.m. friday. could that mean that i have to do TWO tomorrow? pretty much.
i try not to be a big whiner baby about this, but i can't help it. if everyone else had their "ducks in a row" then the papers would come together, smoothly, effortlessly. however not only are the ducks NOT in a row, the ducks are running wildly and swinging machetes.
here's a story about how grade school can completely suck and, at the same time, offer moments of incredible funny:
so the kiddo has had problems with a girl in her class. apparently this girl called the kiddo -- MY KIDDO -- a freak.
my kiddo wrote the girl a note which included the following sentence:
i am not a freak! (I am not Michael Jackson!)
and who says pop culture is not good for the youth of today...
and the next interview is lined up for tuesday. hurrah!
are your fingers still crossed? you can let them relax for the holidays. but then you better cross them again by tuesday...
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Monday, December 19, 2005
jobbbbbbb
okay, so i've got an interview of sorts tomorrow. kinda nervous. would really like it, i think.
fingers crossed, folksies.
UPDATE as of TUESDAY:
AM REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS JOB. REALLY REALLY EXCITED!!!
the office is great, the people are really nice and i think i would really like to do the work.
another meeting coming up for it, so keep the fingers crossed, folks!
(thanks to those of you already crossing fingers, and you may take a break to rest them if need be.)
fingers crossed, folksies.
UPDATE as of TUESDAY:
AM REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS JOB. REALLY REALLY EXCITED!!!
the office is great, the people are really nice and i think i would really like to do the work.
another meeting coming up for it, so keep the fingers crossed, folks!
(thanks to those of you already crossing fingers, and you may take a break to rest them if need be.)
LOVE & DEATH IS A GREAT FREAKIN' MOVIE!
"You're a tyrant and a dictator and you start wars!"
"If everybody went to the same restaurant one evening to eat blintzes, there'd be chaos. But they don't."
you need to see this if you haven't. you know who you are.
"If everybody went to the same restaurant one evening to eat blintzes, there'd be chaos. But they don't."
you need to see this if you haven't. you know who you are.
dustin thinks i'm full of shit.
sometimes. like when i say things like "dustin, we're getting married, that means you have to shop with me everyday for the rest of your life."
i expected him to bolt out of the sheer terror of it all, but he did not. the stoic remained...stoic-esque. when i asked him about this he replied, "cause i know you are full of shit."
discuss.
i expected him to bolt out of the sheer terror of it all, but he did not. the stoic remained...stoic-esque. when i asked him about this he replied, "cause i know you are full of shit."
discuss.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
more from anne sexton? OK!
Her Kind
I have gone out, a possesed witch,
haunting the black air, braver at night;
dreaming evil, I have done my hitch
over the plain houses, light by light:
lonely thing, twelve-fingered, out of mind.
A woman like that is not a woman, quite.
I have been her kind.
I have found the warm caves in the woods,
filled them with skillets, carvings, shelves,
closets, silks, innumerable goods;
fixed the suppers for the worms and the elves:
whining, rearranging the disaligned.
A woman like that is misunderstood.
I have been her kind.
I have ridden in your cart, driver,
waved my nude arms at villages going by,
learning the last bright routes, survivor
where your flames still bite my thigh
and my ribs crack where your wheels wind.
A woman like that is not ashamed to die.
I have been her kind.
I have gone out, a possesed witch,
haunting the black air, braver at night;
dreaming evil, I have done my hitch
over the plain houses, light by light:
lonely thing, twelve-fingered, out of mind.
A woman like that is not a woman, quite.
I have been her kind.
I have found the warm caves in the woods,
filled them with skillets, carvings, shelves,
closets, silks, innumerable goods;
fixed the suppers for the worms and the elves:
whining, rearranging the disaligned.
A woman like that is misunderstood.
I have been her kind.
I have ridden in your cart, driver,
waved my nude arms at villages going by,
learning the last bright routes, survivor
where your flames still bite my thigh
and my ribs crack where your wheels wind.
A woman like that is not ashamed to die.
I have been her kind.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
peter falk kinda rules.
we're watching "made."
there is a theory i have: if you like "swingers," you don't like "made." if you like "made," you don't like "swingers."
i have this theory b/c i've seen it several times over.
can YOU prove me wrong?
there is a theory i have: if you like "swingers," you don't like "made." if you like "made," you don't like "swingers."
i have this theory b/c i've seen it several times over.
can YOU prove me wrong?
the start of the weekend
mr. shane hansen is in town visiting us, and he has given abbey gifts -- one of which is a Ripley's Believe it or Not 3D book. so now we're all having fun with glasses.
and i finished a hat and scarf for abbey. crazy knittin' me!
and i finished a hat and scarf for abbey. crazy knittin' me!
Friday, December 16, 2005
a show of hands: who loves anne sexton???
The Touch
(anne sexton)
For months my hand was sealed off
in a tin box. Nothing was there but the subway railings.
Perhaps it is bruised, I thought,
and that is why they have locked it up.
You could tell time by this, I thought,
like a clock, by its five knuckles
and the thin underground veins.
It lay there like an unconscious woman
fed by tubes she knew not of.
The hand had collapse,
a small wood pigeon
that had gone into seclusion.
I turned it over and the palm was old,
its lines traced like fine needlepoint
and stitched up into fingers.
It was fat and soft and blind in places.
Nothing but vulnerable.
And all this is metaphor.
An ordinary hand -- just lonely
for something to touch
that touches back.
The dog won't do it.
Her tail wags in the swamp for a frog.
I'm no better than a case of dog food.
She owns her own hunger.
My sisters won't do it.
They live in school except for buttons
and tears running down like lemonade.
My father won't do it.
He comes in the house and even at night
he lives in a machine made by my mother
and well oiled by his job, his job.
The trouble is
that I'd let my gestures freeze.
The trouble was not
in the kitchen or the tulips
but only in my head, my head.
Then all this became history.
Your hand found mine.
Life rushed to my fingers like a blood clot.
Oh, my carpenter,
the fingers are rebuilt.
They dance with yours.
They dance in the attic and in Vienna.
My hand is alive all over America.
Not even death will stop it,
death shedding her blood.
Nothing will stop it, for this is the kingdom
and the kingdom come.
(anne sexton)
For months my hand was sealed off
in a tin box. Nothing was there but the subway railings.
Perhaps it is bruised, I thought,
and that is why they have locked it up.
You could tell time by this, I thought,
like a clock, by its five knuckles
and the thin underground veins.
It lay there like an unconscious woman
fed by tubes she knew not of.
The hand had collapse,
a small wood pigeon
that had gone into seclusion.
I turned it over and the palm was old,
its lines traced like fine needlepoint
and stitched up into fingers.
It was fat and soft and blind in places.
Nothing but vulnerable.
And all this is metaphor.
An ordinary hand -- just lonely
for something to touch
that touches back.
The dog won't do it.
Her tail wags in the swamp for a frog.
I'm no better than a case of dog food.
She owns her own hunger.
My sisters won't do it.
They live in school except for buttons
and tears running down like lemonade.
My father won't do it.
He comes in the house and even at night
he lives in a machine made by my mother
and well oiled by his job, his job.
The trouble is
that I'd let my gestures freeze.
The trouble was not
in the kitchen or the tulips
but only in my head, my head.
Then all this became history.
Your hand found mine.
Life rushed to my fingers like a blood clot.
Oh, my carpenter,
the fingers are rebuilt.
They dance with yours.
They dance in the attic and in Vienna.
My hand is alive all over America.
Not even death will stop it,
death shedding her blood.
Nothing will stop it, for this is the kingdom
and the kingdom come.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
which jude song are you?
You're the quiet one no one notices. You're
talented and witty and funny, but it never
comes out right. At least you're good at
recognizing the talents of others who are your
kind.
Which Jude song explains your love life?
brought to you by Quizilla
okay, here's some spam now. eat up. this kitchen is not a restaurant.
from:
Drew Hill -- Make Her Worship You! (umm...okay...)
Rod Pierre -- You Have Been Selected! (for what?!?)
Charity Dupree -- Secrets to a Firmer Chest! (you callin' me fat, charity?)
Stanislava Hosler -- re: Firbrin Lodge (wha?)
Drew Hill -- Make Her Worship You! (umm...okay...)
Rod Pierre -- You Have Been Selected! (for what?!?)
Charity Dupree -- Secrets to a Firmer Chest! (you callin' me fat, charity?)
Stanislava Hosler -- re: Firbrin Lodge (wha?)
bad blogger! bad!
i've not been blogging to my fullest potential lately! must get back to that. i guess taking work home with me has been too tempting, thus not leaving much time for lil' ol me. and lil ol' blog, for that matter.
the dress arrived today, and it's lovely. i tried it on and realized that i still have a little bit of work on the batwings before i can show it off in all loveliness, so tonight i shall do some arm reps. isn't it funny to have things like "arm reps" come from me? i think it fits right in along with my statement during girls' night, "could you pass me that stamper for this card i am making?"
this weekend mr. shane hansen will be joining us, and i believe we're taking the kiddo and a friend to see "narnia" on saturday. a full weekend, indeed.
as an added bonus to an actual post by me, here is a nice little christmas mix list from the good folks at clarkschpiell.com. and yes, i'm included as a contributor on that list, so keep your eyes peeled for my name. (shameless self promotion is the new black.)
oh, and the cmas shopping that must begin soon. i pretty much have ideas nailed down for everyone, so now it's just waiting for the magic hour (day of the paycheck).
the lure of added, unexpected cmas gifts is a good tool for helping a kid make good choices, like getting the homework done without me becoming an insufferable nag. and getting up and ready for school without me becoming an insufferable nag. and feeding the dog without me becoming an insufferable nag. (notice a theme here?)
time to clean house. literally, not figuratively. i really do need to clean.
the dress arrived today, and it's lovely. i tried it on and realized that i still have a little bit of work on the batwings before i can show it off in all loveliness, so tonight i shall do some arm reps. isn't it funny to have things like "arm reps" come from me? i think it fits right in along with my statement during girls' night, "could you pass me that stamper for this card i am making?"
this weekend mr. shane hansen will be joining us, and i believe we're taking the kiddo and a friend to see "narnia" on saturday. a full weekend, indeed.
as an added bonus to an actual post by me, here is a nice little christmas mix list from the good folks at clarkschpiell.com. and yes, i'm included as a contributor on that list, so keep your eyes peeled for my name. (shameless self promotion is the new black.)
oh, and the cmas shopping that must begin soon. i pretty much have ideas nailed down for everyone, so now it's just waiting for the magic hour (day of the paycheck).
the lure of added, unexpected cmas gifts is a good tool for helping a kid make good choices, like getting the homework done without me becoming an insufferable nag. and getting up and ready for school without me becoming an insufferable nag. and feeding the dog without me becoming an insufferable nag. (notice a theme here?)
time to clean house. literally, not figuratively. i really do need to clean.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
we have snow. snow we have.
so here is a photo taken on nov. 6.
and here is a photo i took tonight. what a difference a month makes.
yeah, we got snow. see? hellalotta snow.
and here is a photo i took tonight. what a difference a month makes.
yeah, we got snow. see? hellalotta snow.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
a fine night of karaoke, indeed!
dust, mike and the lovely terry joined me at the townhouse this evening for some song and a drink or two. i sang a couple o' songs and we had a dandy time.
dust survived the metro transit fiasco -- for those who have not used the bus system here very often -- or at all -- it's confusing. there are four bus stops in one area, and it's tricky stuff. so it was not so much of him being stuck on a bus in minnetonka, but it was more of him waiting for the right buses to come...poor lad.
but it wasn't anything that couldn't be cured by a few songs from me.
however i do not have the ability to "work the crowd," as other performers do. basically i stand there and sway back and forth in a very -- oh, how do i say this -- "rain man" type manner. someday i'll work it. someday.
and i really wish my company had health insurance, and i'll tel you why:
TOOTHACHE.
i have a freaking toothache that will most likely keep me up at night. AWESOME. because i'm just too darn tired of actually getting sleep.
so if anyone out there is hiring and you offer dental, HIRE ME. please. i want to keep my teeth. really, i do. no, really.
dust survived the metro transit fiasco -- for those who have not used the bus system here very often -- or at all -- it's confusing. there are four bus stops in one area, and it's tricky stuff. so it was not so much of him being stuck on a bus in minnetonka, but it was more of him waiting for the right buses to come...poor lad.
but it wasn't anything that couldn't be cured by a few songs from me.
however i do not have the ability to "work the crowd," as other performers do. basically i stand there and sway back and forth in a very -- oh, how do i say this -- "rain man" type manner. someday i'll work it. someday.
and i really wish my company had health insurance, and i'll tel you why:
TOOTHACHE.
i have a freaking toothache that will most likely keep me up at night. AWESOME. because i'm just too darn tired of actually getting sleep.
so if anyone out there is hiring and you offer dental, HIRE ME. please. i want to keep my teeth. really, i do. no, really.
arrested development
is a really good show. i've seen it only a few times and my god, i need to start watching it more. i need to go to blockbuster and bring home every single season up to this point.
still awaiting the dust-man.
what do you all think about tookie's pending execution? b/c cnn has a fucking COUNTDOWN going... an actual little clock with his photo and a digital clock underneath.
still awaiting the dust-man.
what do you all think about tookie's pending execution? b/c cnn has a fucking COUNTDOWN going... an actual little clock with his photo and a digital clock underneath.
Missing: Dustin
okay, so the dust's car battery was kaput this morning, so i drove him to work in dwtn. mpls. he said he'd take mass transit home, and he had a couple of possible schedules: one journey beginning at 4:50, another at 5:24. it is now 7:18. no word from him. probably trapped somewhere in some horrible sixth-ring suburb.
now, one would think that, in this situation, one might get off the bus and call the girl at home "please pick me up! i'm trapped in suburbia!"
but you know what? no call. so i'm sitting here, munching on my tater tot hotdish that i threw together in an effort to look somewhat domestic, no boy to be seen.
and i'm watching a "best of" episode of antique roadshow. no mediocre appraisals here, folks. only items worth a WHOLE lot or worth very little.
am looking forward to some karaoke tonight, however that depends on what time the boy returns, and if he ever wants to leave the house again.
so if you see a guy walking aimlessly around the cities, let me know... he'll be chainsmoking and really cute.
now, one would think that, in this situation, one might get off the bus and call the girl at home "please pick me up! i'm trapped in suburbia!"
but you know what? no call. so i'm sitting here, munching on my tater tot hotdish that i threw together in an effort to look somewhat domestic, no boy to be seen.
and i'm watching a "best of" episode of antique roadshow. no mediocre appraisals here, folks. only items worth a WHOLE lot or worth very little.
am looking forward to some karaoke tonight, however that depends on what time the boy returns, and if he ever wants to leave the house again.
so if you see a guy walking aimlessly around the cities, let me know... he'll be chainsmoking and really cute.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
guess who will be in des moines this feb?
sigh....des moines is a mere three hours away.
time to whore myself around for tickets... again.
what REALLY happens at a girl's night...
we met at a friend's house to say farewell to a lovely girl named danni, who is leaving the twin cities to live with her boy of many years in grand forks, nd. that's love, folks. moving to ND for someone.
and what do girls do at these occasions?
they knit...
they eat brie.
and then there was card-making involved. and you KNOW hell has officially frozen over when the words "can you pass me that stamp?" come from MY mouth. however i made a few cards that look all nice and festive on the front but on the back read the following:
"merry fucking christmas."
"trees are flammable. careful with the gin."
"try not to drink too much this holiday season."
"steal from walmart this holiday season."
"holidays are pretty fucking depression. good luck this season."
"i hope you don't go bankrupt this year. ho ho ho."
good fun. think i'll keep up this card-making nonsense.
movies on tv rock
okay, let me get this clear. i'm not a fan of cher. i think her sixteen farewell tours have taken the farewell tour concept too far.
but i'll tell you what. i like the movie "moonstruck." and i'm watching it right now.
i like the nicolas cage with the black hair and the animalistic intensity. i like cher when she's not dressing like a showgirl.
but i'll tell you what. i like the movie "moonstruck." and i'm watching it right now.
i like the nicolas cage with the black hair and the animalistic intensity. i like cher when she's not dressing like a showgirl.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
the new fiona apple album
i've only heard bits and pieces from the new album, "extraordinary machine," and i already love it. so much.
(note to sister m.: burn that for me IMMEDIATELY!)
fantastic linea from "parting gift" --
"it is my fault, you see, you never learned that much from me."
&
"it is by the grace of me you never learned what i could see."
(note to sister m.: burn that for me IMMEDIATELY!)
fantastic linea from "parting gift" --
"it is my fault, you see, you never learned that much from me."
&
"it is by the grace of me you never learned what i could see."
my new saturday night thing....
i call this latest work "saturday night."
(but it's not an autobiographical piece, as this one is cabernet sauvignon, and mine is white zin.)
ahh, grocery shopping, some tivo episodes of "daily show" and "colbert report".... maybe i'll toss in the new version of "dawn of the dead" later, b/c that's my way. that's how i roll.
i wonder if tonight's post(s) will inspire generations of drunk bloggers. it's the least i can do.
crap. 10:19 and sleepy already. tomorrow i vow to sleep in past 9 a.m. and if i wake before then, i will run into the wall until i go back to sleep, damnit.
more things to know about me:
• i really don't like country music. it makes me angry in a "i might rip off the arm of the person next to me" sort of way. unless it's patsy cline or johnny cash.
• i really like brie. i just ate some tonight.
• i have never been to europe.
• but i have been to both canada and mexico. and there was ample booze in both.
• my feet wore a size 10 sneaker before i had kiddo, but now i'm size 11 sneaker.
• so i just shop in the men's section when seeking sneakers.
• i hate bill o' reilly.
• because he is insane.
things you may not know about me
• i like sugar
• so much, i have been known to sprinkle it on top of ice cream
• if i find hair in my food, odd are that i will eventually vomit
• which is something that started when i was pregnant
• i have lost another few pounds from not drinking soda
• but am still smoking a half-pack a day
• and have adopted a severe crystal-light habit
• i enjoy woody allen movies, even with that whole creepy stepdaughter thing
• my dream job would be owning a movie theater
• b/c it's tough to get a screenwriting job
• i don't have a college degree
• but i've done lots of college
• my kid is the best thing to ever happen to me
• i don't know if i'll have another kid
• i consider myself a pessimistic agnostic... "i'm not sure, but i'll bet there is no one there..."
• so much, i have been known to sprinkle it on top of ice cream
• if i find hair in my food, odd are that i will eventually vomit
• which is something that started when i was pregnant
• i have lost another few pounds from not drinking soda
• but am still smoking a half-pack a day
• and have adopted a severe crystal-light habit
• i enjoy woody allen movies, even with that whole creepy stepdaughter thing
• my dream job would be owning a movie theater
• b/c it's tough to get a screenwriting job
• i don't have a college degree
• but i've done lots of college
• my kid is the best thing to ever happen to me
• i don't know if i'll have another kid
• i consider myself a pessimistic agnostic... "i'm not sure, but i'll bet there is no one there..."
what music makes you feel cooler than you really are?
you know what i mean. you are driving, doing laundry, shoveling snow, whatever -- and if you hear certain music, you are transformed from the frumpy character you (or i, really) usually are into the COOLEST KID ON THE BLOCK. you become the reason they invent the cool table in the lunch room.
for me, this is the list:
• ANYTHING by the clash
• swing music (not only does this give me the feeling of being cool - which i'm not - but it also gives me the feeling that i can swing dance - which i can't).
• most anything by the ramones
• certain NIN songs, including (but not limited to) Suck, Mr. Self Destruct, Eraser, Somewhat Damaged...
• johnny cash
• descendents
[as an aside, my kiddo is sleeping side by side with her dog right now. too cute...]
who makes you feel cooler than you think you are?
for me, this is the list:
• ANYTHING by the clash
• swing music (not only does this give me the feeling of being cool - which i'm not - but it also gives me the feeling that i can swing dance - which i can't).
• most anything by the ramones
• certain NIN songs, including (but not limited to) Suck, Mr. Self Destruct, Eraser, Somewhat Damaged...
• johnny cash
• descendents
[as an aside, my kiddo is sleeping side by side with her dog right now. too cute...]
who makes you feel cooler than you think you are?
Friday, December 09, 2005
little pieces of my day
my desk at work. post-its make my life whole. (and that is a diet coke you see in the cup, not a regular coke.)
here is my cellmate, lizzie. she is from england and during last night's "Narnia" preview, she slipped back into her british accent. i think she should bring it back to full-time status.
these are the "just add water" mashed potatoes i had for lunch one day. mmmm....
this is me in my cold winter garb on the porch, smiling because it is friday night and although you cannot see it, i have a cigarette in my hand.
i love that hat.
it's...finally...friday....
oh, sweet, sweet friday night. a time to hang out with the kiddo (who wants to rent "fantastic four") and go to target and NOT set the alarm for the morning. yay!
work was really busy. busier than fridays usually get. and with the holidays coming up, we have two short weeks in a row, which means i have to work at twice my usual already pretty fast speed.
chaosville! population: me.
work was really busy. busier than fridays usually get. and with the holidays coming up, we have two short weeks in a row, which means i have to work at twice my usual already pretty fast speed.
chaosville! population: me.
i am a personal alarm clock
hmm. there are two people in my house who need to get up right now and i'll tell you what, i'm am apparently not a good alarm clock, because NO ONE IS MOVING.
and you know, YOU KNOW that for some reason it will take the clock saying something very, very late for them to get up.
but it's friday and it's payday, so that takes the sting out of going to work. the workplace that is in total flux right now.
"kiddo, it's twenty after six, you need to get up."
"awww, poop!"
that says it all. wisdom beyond her years.
and you know, YOU KNOW that for some reason it will take the clock saying something very, very late for them to get up.
but it's friday and it's payday, so that takes the sting out of going to work. the workplace that is in total flux right now.
"kiddo, it's twenty after six, you need to get up."
"awww, poop!"
that says it all. wisdom beyond her years.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
the narnia movie: pretty darn good
saw a preview of "narnia" this evening -- very good. the soundtrack is also quite lovely.
funny things that have happened:
i was in the car with kiddo the other day afterschool and she was cranky. and for some reason i thought this phrase would make her less cranky, but it sadly fizzled out.
"abbey, it's time to get off of your cranky bike, and get into the car of...not-crankiness."
sigh...parenting at the best it can get, ladies and gents.
here are a few lyrics that are delightful, b/c why not continue a good thing?
from "perfect plank" by jude:
"don't do that thing where you can rip apart my insides,
that's a power i gave to you in faith."
from "dirty tricks" by rhea valentine:
"i can't stop crying, there's a river in my stare."
from "the girl with the weight of the world in her hands" by indigo girls:
"is the glass half full or empty, i ask her as i fill it. she said it doesn't really matter, pretty soon you're bound to spill it."
and that's all for now.
funny things that have happened:
i was in the car with kiddo the other day afterschool and she was cranky. and for some reason i thought this phrase would make her less cranky, but it sadly fizzled out.
"abbey, it's time to get off of your cranky bike, and get into the car of...not-crankiness."
sigh...parenting at the best it can get, ladies and gents.
here are a few lyrics that are delightful, b/c why not continue a good thing?
from "perfect plank" by jude:
"don't do that thing where you can rip apart my insides,
that's a power i gave to you in faith."
from "dirty tricks" by rhea valentine:
"i can't stop crying, there's a river in my stare."
from "the girl with the weight of the world in her hands" by indigo girls:
"is the glass half full or empty, i ask her as i fill it. she said it doesn't really matter, pretty soon you're bound to spill it."
and that's all for now.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
sleep is a beautiful thing
i slept last night! yay! several hours!
i wasn't sure what would happen, because after we returned home from a movie i was WIDE AWAKE. then something beautiful happened...i yawned. a long, luxurious yawn that made me and i took that as a sign that i should attempt to sleep as quickly as possible.
and sleep i did. whew... fingers crossed on tonight...
i wasn't sure what would happen, because after we returned home from a movie i was WIDE AWAKE. then something beautiful happened...i yawned. a long, luxurious yawn that made me and i took that as a sign that i should attempt to sleep as quickly as possible.
and sleep i did. whew... fingers crossed on tonight...
lyrics to enjoy, part III
starring PJ HARVEY.
from Shee-la-na-gig:
"Look at these my child-bearing hips Look at these my ruby red ruby lips Look at these my work strong arms and You've got to see my bottle full of charm"
from Rid of Me:
"I'll tie your legs
Keep you against my chest
Oh you're not rid of me
Yeah you're not rid of me
I'll make you lick my injuries
I'm gonna twist your head off, see"
from Rub 'Til It Bleeds:
"I'm calling you weak"
from Legs:
"Did you ever wish me dead
Oh lover boy, oh fever head
No you must no you must not go away
How will you ever walk again
And I, I might as well be dead
But I could kill you instead"
those are my favorites.
from Shee-la-na-gig:
"Look at these my child-bearing hips Look at these my ruby red ruby lips Look at these my work strong arms and You've got to see my bottle full of charm"
from Rid of Me:
"I'll tie your legs
Keep you against my chest
Oh you're not rid of me
Yeah you're not rid of me
I'll make you lick my injuries
I'm gonna twist your head off, see"
from Rub 'Til It Bleeds:
"I'm calling you weak"
from Legs:
"Did you ever wish me dead
Oh lover boy, oh fever head
No you must no you must not go away
How will you ever walk again
And I, I might as well be dead
But I could kill you instead"
those are my favorites.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
will insomnia haunt me tonight?
so i'm hoping i'll sleep tonight. last four or five days has been a period of very little sleep. like an hour or two at most per night. but now as i type this, i feel my eyes becoming heavy. i think i might be able to sleep. just maybe...
lyrics-o-rama!
well the lovely redhotmamma is right, the current incarnation of liz phair is certainly not the most desireable. however her older stuff is GREAT!
from Flower:
"You act like you're fourteen years old
Everything you say is so
Obnoxious, funny, true and mean
I want to be your blowjob queen"
from Fuck and Run:
"I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions"
from Divorce Song:
"But when you said that I wasn't worth talking to
I had to take your word on that"
from Perfect World:
"I want to be cool, tall, vulnerable and luscious
I would have it all if I'd only had this much"
from Johnny Feelgood:
"I never met a man who was so pretty inside
He's got diamonds on the bed of his thumbnails and I
Never realized I was so dirty and dry
Till he knocked me down, started dragging me around in the
Back of his convertible car...And I liked it"
from Go On Ahead:
"And it goes around in circles: one night is lovely, the next is brutal
And you and I are in way over our heads with this one, it's hard
To admit it"
from What Makes You Happy:
"I'm sending you this photograph, I swear
This one is going to last and all those other bastards
Were only practice"
from Supernova:
"Your kisses are as wicked as an F-16
And you fuck like a volcano
and you're everything to me..."
from Chopsticks:
"I met him at a party and he
Told me how to drive him home.
He said he liked to do it backwards.
I said that's just fine with me.
That way we can fuck and watch TV. "
now, i'm not a HUGE fan of her new stuff, but there are still some nuggets of lyrical fun, such as...
from Friend of Mine:
"It's been so long since you've been a friend to me
It seems like I dreamed and now I'm waking up to daylight"
------ and the next installment of LYRICS I REALLY LIKE will feature PJ Harvey. look at these, my childbearing hips...
from Flower:
"You act like you're fourteen years old
Everything you say is so
Obnoxious, funny, true and mean
I want to be your blowjob queen"
from Fuck and Run:
"I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions"
from Divorce Song:
"But when you said that I wasn't worth talking to
I had to take your word on that"
from Perfect World:
"I want to be cool, tall, vulnerable and luscious
I would have it all if I'd only had this much"
from Johnny Feelgood:
"I never met a man who was so pretty inside
He's got diamonds on the bed of his thumbnails and I
Never realized I was so dirty and dry
Till he knocked me down, started dragging me around in the
Back of his convertible car...And I liked it"
from Go On Ahead:
"And it goes around in circles: one night is lovely, the next is brutal
And you and I are in way over our heads with this one, it's hard
To admit it"
from What Makes You Happy:
"I'm sending you this photograph, I swear
This one is going to last and all those other bastards
Were only practice"
from Supernova:
"Your kisses are as wicked as an F-16
And you fuck like a volcano
and you're everything to me..."
from Chopsticks:
"I met him at a party and he
Told me how to drive him home.
He said he liked to do it backwards.
I said that's just fine with me.
That way we can fuck and watch TV. "
now, i'm not a HUGE fan of her new stuff, but there are still some nuggets of lyrical fun, such as...
from Friend of Mine:
"It's been so long since you've been a friend to me
It seems like I dreamed and now I'm waking up to daylight"
------ and the next installment of LYRICS I REALLY LIKE will feature PJ Harvey. look at these, my childbearing hips...
it's only tuesday? craaaaaap.
i really like the movie "unbreakable." completely underrated, in my humble opinion. and the soundtrack is lovely, as that is what is randomly playing.
ooh! five songs at random game!
Sparkling Diamonds by Nicole Kidman (from Moulin Rouge)
------------------
this was the first move that i could actually tolerate nicole kidman, and now i like her a great deal. i think she did did well by getting out of that tom "freakshow" cruise nightmare. a blessing in disguise, nicole.
Home by NIN
------------
not to please all of his fan base at once, this song was not released on the u.s. version of "with teeth." but you could buy it in japan. or as a 7" vinyl at hot topic. trent......precious trent. "I used to know who I was until you came along. I return to the only place I've ever felt I belong."
Johnny Sunshine by Liz Phair
------------
oh! liz! lovely liz! i'm a freshman in college all over again with the "exile in guyville" cd. "i think i've been taken for everything i own."
Kissing a Fool by George Michael
--------------
don't laugh! terry sang this at karaoke and it reminded me of why it took me forever and a day to get over my crush on him... an impressive voice, that man has. and i remember this song playing at dances in school -- and i always like the vintage-esque sound of it. it aids me in the thought that i would have really liked living in a different era with different music. but i probably wouldn't be able to swing dance then, either. so nothing would change. crap.
The Becoming by NIN (spiral version)
----------------
this version kicks ALMOST as much ass as the version on Still. and sometimes you want to hear the shrieks in the background, sometimes you don't. a rare trent song in that he says a name in it. reminds me of driving to fargo with bram in his lil' yellow car and seeing the moon appear read and being fairly certain that it was the end of times.
"it won't give up, it wants me dead, goddamn this noise inside my head."
well that was fun.
ooh! five songs at random game!
Sparkling Diamonds by Nicole Kidman (from Moulin Rouge)
------------------
this was the first move that i could actually tolerate nicole kidman, and now i like her a great deal. i think she did did well by getting out of that tom "freakshow" cruise nightmare. a blessing in disguise, nicole.
Home by NIN
------------
not to please all of his fan base at once, this song was not released on the u.s. version of "with teeth." but you could buy it in japan. or as a 7" vinyl at hot topic. trent......precious trent. "I used to know who I was until you came along. I return to the only place I've ever felt I belong."
Johnny Sunshine by Liz Phair
------------
oh! liz! lovely liz! i'm a freshman in college all over again with the "exile in guyville" cd. "i think i've been taken for everything i own."
Kissing a Fool by George Michael
--------------
don't laugh! terry sang this at karaoke and it reminded me of why it took me forever and a day to get over my crush on him... an impressive voice, that man has. and i remember this song playing at dances in school -- and i always like the vintage-esque sound of it. it aids me in the thought that i would have really liked living in a different era with different music. but i probably wouldn't be able to swing dance then, either. so nothing would change. crap.
The Becoming by NIN (spiral version)
----------------
this version kicks ALMOST as much ass as the version on Still. and sometimes you want to hear the shrieks in the background, sometimes you don't. a rare trent song in that he says a name in it. reminds me of driving to fargo with bram in his lil' yellow car and seeing the moon appear read and being fairly certain that it was the end of times.
"it won't give up, it wants me dead, goddamn this noise inside my head."
well that was fun.
Monday, December 05, 2005
oh i wanna sing!
see? that's the sort of thing that goes through the mind when one has had a glass or two of wine. and no food since noon. uh oh, here comes the drunk dialing...
i can't believe the lifetime channel is on my tv....
but for f**k's sake, it's a movie with mark ruffalo!
lyrics that catch my ear
i listen to the music i do, for the most part, because of the lyrics and how they are delivered. today's focus will be on nine inch nails:
from "Love is Not Enough"
In your eyes is a place worth remembering
For you to go and take this and smash it apart, I've gone all this fucking way, to wind up back at the start."
from "Every Day Is Exactly the Same"
"I can feel their eyes are watching in case I lose myself again
from "Only"
Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be,
and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see.
from Somewhat Damaged
In the back off the side far away is a place where I hide, where I stay
from "The Wretched"
The clouds will part and the sky cracks open and god himself will reach his fucking arm through, just to push you down, just to hold you down.
from "We're In This Together"
The farther I fall, I'm beside you
As lost as I get, I will find you
The deeper the wound, I'm inside you
from "Even Deeper"
In a dream I'm a perfect me with a perfect you, we fit perfectly. For once in my life I feel complete, and I still want to ruin it.
from "The Big Come Down"
There is a game I play
Try to make myself okay
Try so hard to make the pieces all fit
Smash it apart, just for the fuck of it.
from "The Becoming"
The me that you know had some second thoughts
he's covered with scabs and he is broken and sore
the me that you know doesn't come around much
that part of me isn't here anymore.
(and)
it won't give up it wants me dead
goddamn this noise inside my head
and who can forget "Hurt?"
(okay. i'd have to type the whole effing song. you know the words.)
from "Gave Up"
Covered in hope and vaseline still cannot fix this broken machine watching the hole it used to be mine
just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline
of the trust i will betray give it to me i throw it away
after everything i've done i hate myself for what i've become
from "Suck"
She makes it sweeter than the sun
I get too tight I come undone
I bow my head to confess
The temple walls are made of flesh
Runs up my arms 'til I'm on track
Itches my skin right off of my back
I'll heal your wounds
I'll set you free
I'm Jesus Christ on Ecstacy
whew...i think that'll do for now.
tomorrow's lyric fest? Liz Phair. Pre-2003 Liz Phair, that is.
from "Love is Not Enough"
In your eyes is a place worth remembering
For you to go and take this and smash it apart, I've gone all this fucking way, to wind up back at the start."
from "Every Day Is Exactly the Same"
"I can feel their eyes are watching in case I lose myself again
from "Only"
Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be,
and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see.
from Somewhat Damaged
In the back off the side far away is a place where I hide, where I stay
from "The Wretched"
The clouds will part and the sky cracks open and god himself will reach his fucking arm through, just to push you down, just to hold you down.
from "We're In This Together"
The farther I fall, I'm beside you
As lost as I get, I will find you
The deeper the wound, I'm inside you
from "Even Deeper"
In a dream I'm a perfect me with a perfect you, we fit perfectly. For once in my life I feel complete, and I still want to ruin it.
from "The Big Come Down"
There is a game I play
Try to make myself okay
Try so hard to make the pieces all fit
Smash it apart, just for the fuck of it.
from "The Becoming"
The me that you know had some second thoughts
he's covered with scabs and he is broken and sore
the me that you know doesn't come around much
that part of me isn't here anymore.
(and)
it won't give up it wants me dead
goddamn this noise inside my head
and who can forget "Hurt?"
(okay. i'd have to type the whole effing song. you know the words.)
from "Gave Up"
Covered in hope and vaseline still cannot fix this broken machine watching the hole it used to be mine
just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline
of the trust i will betray give it to me i throw it away
after everything i've done i hate myself for what i've become
from "Suck"
She makes it sweeter than the sun
I get too tight I come undone
I bow my head to confess
The temple walls are made of flesh
Runs up my arms 'til I'm on track
Itches my skin right off of my back
I'll heal your wounds
I'll set you free
I'm Jesus Christ on Ecstacy
whew...i think that'll do for now.
tomorrow's lyric fest? Liz Phair. Pre-2003 Liz Phair, that is.
those spam sending f**kers!
who ARE these people?
Jehoiakim Cottle
melessaxenia carolinasuz
Doctor
Deni
AYU
Christian Cash Assistance
Kelsey Cornell
Silvia Correa
Delmar Mclain
adrianneginny fadycoslas
Cote E. Ransacking
Jehoiakim Cottle
melessaxenia carolinasuz
Doctor
Deni
AYU
Christian Cash Assistance
Kelsey Cornell
Silvia Correa
Delmar Mclain
adrianneginny fadycoslas
Cote E. Ransacking
by god, it's the poem of the day!
The Friend
We sat across the table.
he said, cut off your hands.
they are always poking at things.
they might touch me.
I said yes.
Food grew cold on the table.
he said, burn your body.
it is not clean and smells like sex.
it rubs my mind sore.
I said yes.
I love you, I said.
That's very nice, he said
I like to be loved,
that makes me happy.
Have you cut off your hands yet?
Marge Piercy
We sat across the table.
he said, cut off your hands.
they are always poking at things.
they might touch me.
I said yes.
Food grew cold on the table.
he said, burn your body.
it is not clean and smells like sex.
it rubs my mind sore.
I said yes.
I love you, I said.
That's very nice, he said
I like to be loved,
that makes me happy.
Have you cut off your hands yet?
Marge Piercy
a show of hands:
who LOVES the show "mystery men?"
here are reasons why you should love this show.
When you care what is outside, what is inside cares for you.
When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you can head off your foes with a balanced attack.
You must be like wolf pack, not six-pack.
He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions.
You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.
To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.
here are reasons why you should love this show.
When you care what is outside, what is inside cares for you.
When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you can head off your foes with a balanced attack.
You must be like wolf pack, not six-pack.
He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions.
You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.
To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
what's better than spam?
those we get the spam from! for instance, i have received spam from the following:
Enid Curtis
Your-Degree-Guide
Yolanda Franks
Deaf A. Clydesdale
Gael Rogers
if you see any of these people, can you tell them to stop emailing me? or if they are going to email me, can they at least send me the damn money they are promising me, regardless of my credit history? thanks.
we are watching "closer." it's interesting watching a movie where you find only one of the four main characters to be a decent human being. usually a story will not show the ugly. this movie has the ugly and more.
Enid Curtis
Your-Degree-Guide
Yolanda Franks
Deaf A. Clydesdale
Gael Rogers
if you see any of these people, can you tell them to stop emailing me? or if they are going to email me, can they at least send me the damn money they are promising me, regardless of my credit history? thanks.
we are watching "closer." it's interesting watching a movie where you find only one of the four main characters to be a decent human being. usually a story will not show the ugly. this movie has the ugly and more.
the spam message of the day
"Sav $513 monthlly on your loin."
(what a relief! you don't want to know how much my loin is costing each month.)
(what a relief! you don't want to know how much my loin is costing each month.)
Things of the day
song to listen to on repeat:
"the blower's daughter" by damien rice (it's DIVINE)
peom of the day by emily dickinson:
I felt a cleavage in my mind
As if my brain had split;
I tried to match it, seam by seam,
But could not make them fit.
The thought behind I strove to join
Unto the thought before,
But sequence ravelled out of reach
Like balls upon a floor.
more blogging to come shortly...
"the blower's daughter" by damien rice (it's DIVINE)
peom of the day by emily dickinson:
I felt a cleavage in my mind
As if my brain had split;
I tried to match it, seam by seam,
But could not make them fit.
The thought behind I strove to join
Unto the thought before,
But sequence ravelled out of reach
Like balls upon a floor.
more blogging to come shortly...
Saturday, December 03, 2005
a bit of something, a bit of nothing
The remnants of her French onion soup began to dry and harden against the small ceramic bowl. The bus boy had walked past three or four times and had yet to stop by her table to clear the remains of the lunch. He had stopped at the table on her left, the table on her right, and at this point Sophie wondered if she existed.
Her existence wasn’t nullified simply by the bus boy’s neglect, but by a series of event that had taken place over the course of the day. Her request for napkins went unheard. Her plea for a pack of cigarettes to the gas station attendant fell on deaf ears. Sophie realized that she was maybe one of the walking dead. All of her senses were intact, as she could well attest with the din of the Sunday afternoon restaurant crowd, the smell of freshly-baked bread filling her nose, the taste of the salty soup still burning her tongue, the horrific décor making her eyes ache and the puckered texture of the Styrofoam in her hand.
But did anyone else see her? Maybe they saw her but were so horrified by what they saw, it easier to ignore her.
The bus boy passed her by again. She sneered in his direction as he walked away.
Sophie was average looking, nothing that you’d pin up on the wall of a freshman dorm room but certainly not ugly. But what horrified passersby was not the width of her hips or how that black shirt looked on her – it was the expression of complete misery on her face. Maybe it was a look that was too easily recognizable by the white, upper-middle class suburbanites – they had seen it once or twice when looking in the mirror but then dismissed it as a passing phase. Sophie was a mirror for them – a mirror of everything they feared they might become, what they might feel if they allowed themselves to do so.
I wanted to approach Sophie, to tell her that she wasn’t invisible – that I saw her. But she wouldn’t have believed me, she didn’t want to hear anything I would tell her.
I could see that she was startled by the sound of a baby – she looked immediately to her right and was equally startled when she didn’t see a baby anywhere in sight. She began to wonder if she had lost her mind, in addition to her existence. I began to wonder myself.
“You’re doing alright,” I whispered as I made my way to the soda machine. “I didn’t see the baby, either. But I heard it too.”
She acted as though I wasn’t there, either. But I knew she heard me and she was thinking over what I said. As I walked back to my seat I heard her say something under hear breath, something that sounded like “the baby’s not real, neither are you.”
“Damn,” I thought to myself. “She’s right.”
I don’t know how long I’ve been hiding inside here. I don’t hide all the time, you know, I show up for special events – birthdays, weddings, times where she needs a little extra … support. I tell her she looks beautiful, I tell her she’s saying all the right things. I can feel her smile light up her face when she listens. But today she’s not listening and I need to get through to her. She doesn’t think I care, but I do. Without her, I’m nothing.
“Sophie, you need to stand up and get some more Dr. Pepper. You are thirsty and that way you will see that you are still here. You are not going through the motions. You are living, you are breathing.”
She refused to lift her eyes from her laptop – trying to look like a good citizen, reading the news, shaking her head at the atrocities in front of her. Her mouth was parched from the bread crust she was knowing on, but she refused to stand. Was her stubbornness out of principal? Didn’t she realize that she was thirsty, whether or not I was the one to point it out?
Every table around her was cleared off now, shining wet with the scent of bleach drifting toward her. She was staring at her cell phone, wishing it would ring. It didn’t matter who would be on the other end, just that it would ring, that someone would need her, want her, validate her and acknowledge her.
There was a little kid with his dad. The kid was clearly bored and trying to entertain himself as his dad busied himself with what appeared to be incredibly boring business paperwork. The little kid – the back of his shirt read “Dylan” – had a brown grocery bag filled with action figures that were falling on the floor, and Sophie wanted to go play with him. She wanted to sit on the floor and play cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, super hero and super villain. I could feel that she wanted to cry and I told her to toughen up, that crying in a bread shop is unacceptable behavior.
No phone calls yet.
“Maybe you should call someone,” I tell her, knowing it is said in vain.
“I don’t feel like talking, I don’t know if I’d even answer if anyone called,” she said, quietly. She glanced up, noticing that a woman with her two children were trying not to stare at her. The woman tried to act natural as she whispered to her children to move to a different part of the restaurant. Sophie cleared her own tray and at 2:30, nearly two hours of not speaking, not looking at anyone, she left without barely making a sound.
Sophie woke up in a darkened room. Her eyes strained to adjust and she could barely make out the time on her watch. It was 10:37. She had lost eight hours and she didn’t know where she was. A voice came from a hallway, a voice that she recognized but couldn’t place. The owner of that voice came into the room and sat down next to her.
“Wakey wakey, Anna.”
“What?” Sophie yawned and rubbed her eyes. “What did you call me?”
“Uh, I called you by your name, Anna. Don’t you need to get to work? I’m surprised the hospital hasn’t paged you yet.”
Sophie said nothing. The man stood up and she could smell a pot of coffee brewing.
“Sophie, you need to leave there,” I told her. “He thinks you are still her, and you need to get out before he tries to drive you to the hospital. Get on your clothes and get out.”
Sophie looked down at the floor and saw a set of scrubs.
“He thinks you are a nurse, get it? Pull yourself together and get out of there, Sophie. You know what is going on, don’t play stupid.”
She quickly picked up her clothing and carefully put on the uniform as though it was made of glass.
The man returned. “Dressed so soon? Well here’s some coffee for your night shift. Want a ride to work?”
Sophie’s eyes darted up to his. “No. No, I think I’ll walk. But, um, thanks for the coffee.” As she walked out of the room the man grabbed her by the arm and kissed her hard on the lips. She could vaguely remember this happening before, but she was certain it had been a very vivid dream.
“See you in the morning, Anna. I love you,” he said.
Sophie looked back at him. “Yeah, me too,” she said to the stranger.
Her existence wasn’t nullified simply by the bus boy’s neglect, but by a series of event that had taken place over the course of the day. Her request for napkins went unheard. Her plea for a pack of cigarettes to the gas station attendant fell on deaf ears. Sophie realized that she was maybe one of the walking dead. All of her senses were intact, as she could well attest with the din of the Sunday afternoon restaurant crowd, the smell of freshly-baked bread filling her nose, the taste of the salty soup still burning her tongue, the horrific décor making her eyes ache and the puckered texture of the Styrofoam in her hand.
But did anyone else see her? Maybe they saw her but were so horrified by what they saw, it easier to ignore her.
The bus boy passed her by again. She sneered in his direction as he walked away.
Sophie was average looking, nothing that you’d pin up on the wall of a freshman dorm room but certainly not ugly. But what horrified passersby was not the width of her hips or how that black shirt looked on her – it was the expression of complete misery on her face. Maybe it was a look that was too easily recognizable by the white, upper-middle class suburbanites – they had seen it once or twice when looking in the mirror but then dismissed it as a passing phase. Sophie was a mirror for them – a mirror of everything they feared they might become, what they might feel if they allowed themselves to do so.
I wanted to approach Sophie, to tell her that she wasn’t invisible – that I saw her. But she wouldn’t have believed me, she didn’t want to hear anything I would tell her.
I could see that she was startled by the sound of a baby – she looked immediately to her right and was equally startled when she didn’t see a baby anywhere in sight. She began to wonder if she had lost her mind, in addition to her existence. I began to wonder myself.
“You’re doing alright,” I whispered as I made my way to the soda machine. “I didn’t see the baby, either. But I heard it too.”
She acted as though I wasn’t there, either. But I knew she heard me and she was thinking over what I said. As I walked back to my seat I heard her say something under hear breath, something that sounded like “the baby’s not real, neither are you.”
“Damn,” I thought to myself. “She’s right.”
I don’t know how long I’ve been hiding inside here. I don’t hide all the time, you know, I show up for special events – birthdays, weddings, times where she needs a little extra … support. I tell her she looks beautiful, I tell her she’s saying all the right things. I can feel her smile light up her face when she listens. But today she’s not listening and I need to get through to her. She doesn’t think I care, but I do. Without her, I’m nothing.
“Sophie, you need to stand up and get some more Dr. Pepper. You are thirsty and that way you will see that you are still here. You are not going through the motions. You are living, you are breathing.”
She refused to lift her eyes from her laptop – trying to look like a good citizen, reading the news, shaking her head at the atrocities in front of her. Her mouth was parched from the bread crust she was knowing on, but she refused to stand. Was her stubbornness out of principal? Didn’t she realize that she was thirsty, whether or not I was the one to point it out?
Every table around her was cleared off now, shining wet with the scent of bleach drifting toward her. She was staring at her cell phone, wishing it would ring. It didn’t matter who would be on the other end, just that it would ring, that someone would need her, want her, validate her and acknowledge her.
There was a little kid with his dad. The kid was clearly bored and trying to entertain himself as his dad busied himself with what appeared to be incredibly boring business paperwork. The little kid – the back of his shirt read “Dylan” – had a brown grocery bag filled with action figures that were falling on the floor, and Sophie wanted to go play with him. She wanted to sit on the floor and play cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, super hero and super villain. I could feel that she wanted to cry and I told her to toughen up, that crying in a bread shop is unacceptable behavior.
No phone calls yet.
“Maybe you should call someone,” I tell her, knowing it is said in vain.
“I don’t feel like talking, I don’t know if I’d even answer if anyone called,” she said, quietly. She glanced up, noticing that a woman with her two children were trying not to stare at her. The woman tried to act natural as she whispered to her children to move to a different part of the restaurant. Sophie cleared her own tray and at 2:30, nearly two hours of not speaking, not looking at anyone, she left without barely making a sound.
Sophie woke up in a darkened room. Her eyes strained to adjust and she could barely make out the time on her watch. It was 10:37. She had lost eight hours and she didn’t know where she was. A voice came from a hallway, a voice that she recognized but couldn’t place. The owner of that voice came into the room and sat down next to her.
“Wakey wakey, Anna.”
“What?” Sophie yawned and rubbed her eyes. “What did you call me?”
“Uh, I called you by your name, Anna. Don’t you need to get to work? I’m surprised the hospital hasn’t paged you yet.”
Sophie said nothing. The man stood up and she could smell a pot of coffee brewing.
“Sophie, you need to leave there,” I told her. “He thinks you are still her, and you need to get out before he tries to drive you to the hospital. Get on your clothes and get out.”
Sophie looked down at the floor and saw a set of scrubs.
“He thinks you are a nurse, get it? Pull yourself together and get out of there, Sophie. You know what is going on, don’t play stupid.”
She quickly picked up her clothing and carefully put on the uniform as though it was made of glass.
The man returned. “Dressed so soon? Well here’s some coffee for your night shift. Want a ride to work?”
Sophie’s eyes darted up to his. “No. No, I think I’ll walk. But, um, thanks for the coffee.” As she walked out of the room the man grabbed her by the arm and kissed her hard on the lips. She could vaguely remember this happening before, but she was certain it had been a very vivid dream.
“See you in the morning, Anna. I love you,” he said.
Sophie looked back at him. “Yeah, me too,” she said to the stranger.
photos of yesteryear...
as a tot around the tender age of three.
age 17. still so filled with promise....sigh....
favorite poem of the day
somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands
e.e.cummings
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands
e.e.cummings
flash from the past
Jege and Devin: Thanks!
We received a wedding gift from the lovely jege and her child bride, Devin! Thanks, guys! We adore you! You have saved my coffeetable from food catastrophe!
Friday, December 02, 2005
more journal entries? why not!
so i'm skipping ahead a few weeks and by now the crush has moved on to a fellow named nick. nick wore a lot of polo shirts. a different colored one every day. and i write about it ad nauseam in my journal. and at some points i even refer to him as "you know who." i'm not referring to voldemort. and for added fun, count the exclamation points!
Tuesday, May 13, 1986
Dear Diary,
Boy! Was today ever hectic! I've a lot to get done by tomorrow at 3:30! I will be rushed! You-know-who was wearing a different colored polo shirt today! Red and white striped! Summer vacation is almost here! I can't wait, but I guess I'll have to! I hate school! I better go, catch ya' later!
Goodnight, Kari
Wednesday, May 14, 1986
Dear Diary,
Today Nick was dressed in an aqua-marine polo! Absolutely cute! Tomorrow we're going to Fargo-Moorhead to pick up my sister Bobbi! I can't wait! But oh no! I'm getting symptoms of my period. Great, just great! Too much to do already! I like you-know-who so much! He is a such a cute boy! I wish that you know who would like me, but I doubt it.
Goodnight, kari
Friday, May 16, 1986
Dear Diary,
Just a few days of school left! I can't wait until the school picnic, I'm going to play tetherball! Yea! I love vacation!
Gotta run!
Kari
Monday, May 18, 1986
Dear Diary,
Only two days of school left! Today Nick was wearing a white polo shirt. Absolutely adorable!
Mrs. Swanson can be a real BITCH!
Gotta run!
Kari
now i think we'll zoom into seventh and eighth grade. why? because it's my f**king journal, that's why.
3-21-88
Dear Diary,
I'm now in 7th grade. It's not the best time though. And by the way, Nick is a total jerk. He's the biggest f**k I've ever seen!
1-6-89
Dear Diary,
Yes, it's been a long time. I know. A lot has happened too! I'm a pom-pom girl, I'm in eighth grade. I've had a few boyfriends but then I dated Terry and it will take a while to get over him. Guns and Roses is really good.
1-21-89
Dear Diary,
Jackie B. and I are better friends every day. I don't know if I like Todd or not. I need a shrink. Mike T. told people at the last dance that I was crying over Van, but I wasn't! I was crying over Todd because Todd is dating Mikkel! I feel like shit!
2-15-89
Hello there. Michael Jackson's video "Smooth Criminal" is on right now. Run, Michael, run! It's lame.Volleyball practice got over at 5:15... very tiring.
2-25-89
I have too much to say. I don't know why I can't forget about Terry. It's been over a month and a half since we broke up. It'd be a mistake to keep liking him. It hurts too much to think about this and now I'm crying, so I'm gonna go.
4-3-89
Why did we ever break up? I'm so dumb! I can't forget about him!
and that's pretty much where the diary of two years ends. as a p.s., terry remains one of my dearest, bestest, closest friends to this very day. and yes, i did manage to get over him.
so, SO glad that it's friday night. knitting with the kiddo tonight. last night i had a really disturbing dream that was so disturbing i hate to even write about it. but what the hell. i had just fallen asleep putting kiddo to bed and i dreamt that dustin and i went to a neighbor's apartment to look for three of our cats and we found three people in this apartment, two women and a very old man. this very old man had raped one of the women and when i walked in she was completely covered in blood -- dried, caked on blood. just horrible. completely horrible. then i woke up and stayed awake for quite some time and ended up sleeping quite soundly from that point on. and today? it was a pretty nice day.
Tuesday, May 13, 1986
Dear Diary,
Boy! Was today ever hectic! I've a lot to get done by tomorrow at 3:30! I will be rushed! You-know-who was wearing a different colored polo shirt today! Red and white striped! Summer vacation is almost here! I can't wait, but I guess I'll have to! I hate school! I better go, catch ya' later!
Goodnight, Kari
Wednesday, May 14, 1986
Dear Diary,
Today Nick was dressed in an aqua-marine polo! Absolutely cute! Tomorrow we're going to Fargo-Moorhead to pick up my sister Bobbi! I can't wait! But oh no! I'm getting symptoms of my period. Great, just great! Too much to do already! I like you-know-who so much! He is a such a cute boy! I wish that you know who would like me, but I doubt it.
Goodnight, kari
Friday, May 16, 1986
Dear Diary,
Just a few days of school left! I can't wait until the school picnic, I'm going to play tetherball! Yea! I love vacation!
Gotta run!
Kari
Monday, May 18, 1986
Dear Diary,
Only two days of school left! Today Nick was wearing a white polo shirt. Absolutely adorable!
Mrs. Swanson can be a real BITCH!
Gotta run!
Kari
now i think we'll zoom into seventh and eighth grade. why? because it's my f**king journal, that's why.
3-21-88
Dear Diary,
I'm now in 7th grade. It's not the best time though. And by the way, Nick is a total jerk. He's the biggest f**k I've ever seen!
1-6-89
Dear Diary,
Yes, it's been a long time. I know. A lot has happened too! I'm a pom-pom girl, I'm in eighth grade. I've had a few boyfriends but then I dated Terry and it will take a while to get over him. Guns and Roses is really good.
1-21-89
Dear Diary,
Jackie B. and I are better friends every day. I don't know if I like Todd or not. I need a shrink. Mike T. told people at the last dance that I was crying over Van, but I wasn't! I was crying over Todd because Todd is dating Mikkel! I feel like shit!
2-15-89
Hello there. Michael Jackson's video "Smooth Criminal" is on right now. Run, Michael, run! It's lame.Volleyball practice got over at 5:15... very tiring.
2-25-89
I have too much to say. I don't know why I can't forget about Terry. It's been over a month and a half since we broke up. It'd be a mistake to keep liking him. It hurts too much to think about this and now I'm crying, so I'm gonna go.
4-3-89
Why did we ever break up? I'm so dumb! I can't forget about him!
and that's pretty much where the diary of two years ends. as a p.s., terry remains one of my dearest, bestest, closest friends to this very day. and yes, i did manage to get over him.
so, SO glad that it's friday night. knitting with the kiddo tonight. last night i had a really disturbing dream that was so disturbing i hate to even write about it. but what the hell. i had just fallen asleep putting kiddo to bed and i dreamt that dustin and i went to a neighbor's apartment to look for three of our cats and we found three people in this apartment, two women and a very old man. this very old man had raped one of the women and when i walked in she was completely covered in blood -- dried, caked on blood. just horrible. completely horrible. then i woke up and stayed awake for quite some time and ended up sleeping quite soundly from that point on. and today? it was a pretty nice day.
what i did on my smoke break
simple pleasure defined:
kicking the packed snow out from behind your car tires.
but not just my car. noooo, i also took it upon myself to kick snow ASS on the fleet of our newspaper delivery vans. (best to try this when wearing combat boots as i am today. sneaker=pain.)
tonight's plan:
knitting with the kiddo. yay!
kicking the packed snow out from behind your car tires.
but not just my car. noooo, i also took it upon myself to kick snow ASS on the fleet of our newspaper delivery vans. (best to try this when wearing combat boots as i am today. sneaker=pain.)
tonight's plan:
knitting with the kiddo. yay!
insooooooooomina!
can't sleep...clowns will eat me...can't sleep....clowns will eat me....
to be fair, i first saw that on a shirt at hot topic. i know. i've just lost street cred.
to be fair, i first saw that on a shirt at hot topic. i know. i've just lost street cred.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
me and my substandard lunch
easy mac. but not regular kraft easy mac. Roundy's easy mac. that's the generic version from Rainbow Foods. and it's not half bad, for fake cheese and crappy noodles. i'm just happy to be using my quality lunch time for blogging.
mad props and good luck to all of you doing finals! be sure to keep me posted on how it all goes.
i was noticing that in my journal entries i used exclamation points. in nearly every sentence.
now i'm trying to think back to the time that speaking about my life transitioned from using exclamation points to ellipses and periods. i'll have to do more journal digging to definitively answer that question, but it's an interesting thought. at what point do we realize that things are not exciting enough to merit exclamation points any longer? 12? 15? 21?
think on that. i'll let you know what i discover.
mad props and good luck to all of you doing finals! be sure to keep me posted on how it all goes.
i was noticing that in my journal entries i used exclamation points. in nearly every sentence.
now i'm trying to think back to the time that speaking about my life transitioned from using exclamation points to ellipses and periods. i'll have to do more journal digging to definitively answer that question, but it's an interesting thought. at what point do we realize that things are not exciting enough to merit exclamation points any longer? 12? 15? 21?
think on that. i'll let you know what i discover.
work meetings are unpleasant
i think that my alter-ego, Captain Obvious, wrote my post title.
i have 12 mintues until a meeting regarding editorial layout. i don't wanna go! i want to smoke, but i think i'll need the cigarette more after than before meeting.
but once it's done, that's one more sticky-note that i can remove from my monitor. i keep sticky notes on the sides of my monitor so that i don't forget things now that i'm in my old age.
i have finished the invitations, so those will be going to post shortly. when it shortly, exactly? i consider it whenever in the next few days i make it to the post office to buy a large amount of stamps. saturday? maybe. maybe that will be "shortly."
today's post is as dull as my job.
my cell block mate (coworker who shares a desk area with me) is taking snowboarding lessons. yesterday she stayed home from work b/c of injury, and today she has brought a heat pad with her to work.
i have stolen the heat pad and am now enjoying heat on my back....nice. might...fall....asleep......
crap. meeting.
can't leave heat pad.
i have 12 mintues until a meeting regarding editorial layout. i don't wanna go! i want to smoke, but i think i'll need the cigarette more after than before meeting.
but once it's done, that's one more sticky-note that i can remove from my monitor. i keep sticky notes on the sides of my monitor so that i don't forget things now that i'm in my old age.
i have finished the invitations, so those will be going to post shortly. when it shortly, exactly? i consider it whenever in the next few days i make it to the post office to buy a large amount of stamps. saturday? maybe. maybe that will be "shortly."
today's post is as dull as my job.
my cell block mate (coworker who shares a desk area with me) is taking snowboarding lessons. yesterday she stayed home from work b/c of injury, and today she has brought a heat pad with her to work.
i have stolen the heat pad and am now enjoying heat on my back....nice. might...fall....asleep......
crap. meeting.
can't leave heat pad.
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