i'd really like to sleep now.

it's 5:31 a.m. i woke up two hours ago. can't fall back to sleep. am compelled to take photos of self to show the extent of my fatigue.



see? i wasn't kidding, was i?

and i know i'll get tired right around the time kiddo decides she wants to get up and goof around. and i'll want to be alert for plenty of goof around time, so really, i'm just screwed for the whole of the day. maybe a 5 p.m. nap. maybe if i don't have another spell of horrible fucking dreams during my slumber. i'm pretty tired of that kind of rubbish.

and it's too close to daytime for a nyquil mixer, so what's a girl to do?

my own... personal... jesus

a hand-me-down from a coworker. SPLENDID!

song of the day

Dry the Rain by the Beta Band.

IT'S A MAGNIFICENT MOVIE!!!

i laughed for nearly 1.5 hours straight. i feel wonderful! i feel cleansed! ahhhhhhhh!!! see "jackass two" immediately! aaaaahhhhhhhh!

no matter what i have to deal with in my day-to-day life, i know that i'm not about to be trampled by a bull. this i know.

i love, also, that i'm not too old to find toilet humor really damn funny.

the rubbish you'll find in my cube

on my cube walls you will find:
• picture of my niece and nephews
• picture of my daughter
• picture of my husband
• picture of my sisters
• picture of my friends
• calendar
• NIN poster from chicago concert in may of 2005
• a picture of a bottle of jack daniels on a stick
• a milk and cheese comic cutout
• a poem from my daughter
• a love note from my husband written by my daughter

on my desk you will find:
• racks for files
• phone
• generic cough drops
• a nearly-empty bottle of coca-cola
• my cell phone and charger
• office supplies
• lots of post-its
• a large bottle of purell (i've been ill)
• 1 box of kleenex
• calculator
• headphones
• scanner
• 2 monitors -- one larger one for my mac work, one smaller one for my virtual pc stuff
• plenty of really really good pens
• a four-inch tall plastic paratrooper without a parachute
• a phone made by the slinky toy company (a friend cleaned out her basement)
• my lunch plate with the last bit of my fairly unsatisfying microwave bean and cheese burrito that i've just realized still has some frozen beans in it. gross.

well, i've just typed plenty for a post and that wasn't so difficult at all! not terribly clever, but one cannot just jump back into the pool of clever... one must step in slowly.

tomorrow: what you will find in my desk drawers (wheee!)

why don't i blog that often?

here are the reasons:

 

1. my laptop is still on the fritz. in a month or so i hope to have the logic board replaced. yes, we do have a home desktop computer, but that leads me to reason numero two.
2. after many many hours at a desk in front of a computer at work, the last freaking place i want to be when i get home is at a desk, in front of a computer. this problem will be solved once i deal with problem number 1.
3. sometimes i have nothing clever to say, and why waste my time (and yours) with the un-clever?
4. blogging on the clock is not something easily done at my job.

 

however, now that i think about it, maybe i need to get back to blogging basics. lists of what’s on my desk. my favorite types of chewing gum and why... stuff like that. maybe the clever will come out when not forced. christina aguilera had it right... it’s time to get Back to Basics.

 

what the...?

how does the song “superfreak” even get into my head, let alone stuck on repeat???

i love my dad

i heart youtube

in case you needed a reason to throw up

what's new in the life of a kari?

slight cold turned into brutal cold.

 

brutal cold turned into irritating faucet-like nose.

 

seeping nose and nasal passages turned on the hacking cough function in my lungs.

in short: every day i evolve a little more. (by next week i hope to have a third eye.)

 

the captain taught me everything i needed to know about medicine

lyrics o' the day

“to say i’ll be alright would be a risky bet, ‘cause i’m about as good as i’m gonna get.”

 

(“your smile’s a drug” by patrick park)

song lyrics of the day

“i’m not like the girls you’ve known, but i believe i’m worth coming home to.”

 

(sleeps with butterflies, by tori amos)

 

the more things change ...

... the more things stay the same.

yes, it's bound to be a day filled with introspection and meaning, a day where i question EVERYTHING (as i always do) about myself, coming to the same conclusion: yes, i am a little fucked up, but i think as a person, i'm okay.

then why do people like me feel at fault for everything? when i was little i was horrified of thunderstorms, horrified at the prospect of my house being flattened by some giant tornado and what if my behavior could stop it? so i would do little obsessive-compulsive things in hopes to deter mother nature from picking me up, tossing me around in the air, and then spitting me out again like the shell of a sunflower seed. weather was something i had no control over, therefore it was completely terrifying.

when things go wrong in the lives of those around me --- not friends, but those really close to me -- i feel at fault. as though my contact with those people has tainted their existence, that because god hates me (i kid; i don't actually believe in god), my loved ones are simply guilty by association.

if something upsetting happens, something that i am perfectly in my bounds to be upset over, i take the blame for it. why do i do that? why can't i just get mad at something and just be mad about it?

i think the long and short of it is that this is just how i am. i am an "as-is" package in the store of life. sure, i change, i evolve (slightly; i mean, i still have my tail) but i am getting the feeling as i am getting older that there are things about me that will not change.

guess what is not as satisfying as smoking?

nicotine gum. i’m just sayin’.