the more things change ...

... the more things stay the same.

yes, it's bound to be a day filled with introspection and meaning, a day where i question EVERYTHING (as i always do) about myself, coming to the same conclusion: yes, i am a little fucked up, but i think as a person, i'm okay.

then why do people like me feel at fault for everything? when i was little i was horrified of thunderstorms, horrified at the prospect of my house being flattened by some giant tornado and what if my behavior could stop it? so i would do little obsessive-compulsive things in hopes to deter mother nature from picking me up, tossing me around in the air, and then spitting me out again like the shell of a sunflower seed. weather was something i had no control over, therefore it was completely terrifying.

when things go wrong in the lives of those around me --- not friends, but those really close to me -- i feel at fault. as though my contact with those people has tainted their existence, that because god hates me (i kid; i don't actually believe in god), my loved ones are simply guilty by association.

if something upsetting happens, something that i am perfectly in my bounds to be upset over, i take the blame for it. why do i do that? why can't i just get mad at something and just be mad about it?

i think the long and short of it is that this is just how i am. i am an "as-is" package in the store of life. sure, i change, i evolve (slightly; i mean, i still have my tail) but i am getting the feeling as i am getting older that there are things about me that will not change.