i'm the best auntie EVER...

because i teach my niece and nephews songs from Ren & Stimpy! I RULE!

hanging out at the sister's tonight, enjoying pizza, hilarious kids and a laptop 'puter. i know i keep saying this, but maybe, just maybe, in a few weeks, i'll be able to repair mine and i will be a blogging fiend once again!

i forgot how nice blogging is. i've gotten out of the habit b/c of my lack of laptop, but it's pretty... relaxing. i'm getting all the rubbish out of my head and it's whizzing away at a gajillion miles per hour into neverland and it's less for me to carry around. does that make sense?

i've also been thinking alot about my self worth. i have the tendency to compare myself to others -- i've always been that way and now at the age of 31, i just don't see that changing. but maybe what i can change is how i do the comparison. instead of seeing someone who is clearly better looking than i and thinking "boy, i wish i were as perfect as they are," i can think "boy, i'm maybe not that size six (or eight. or ten.) but i'm still a kickass person." and logically i can think that, but logic doesn't always play into it. it's hard to change how the mind processes things. and it's hard to let go of things that chew away at your brain, always waiting in there to POUNCE on you when you are feeling vulnerable. it's hard to just let that shit go. and i have to let that shit go. it's not fucking worth it. and it's hard to trust yourself. and it's hard to trust others. i don't want these small crappy things upsetting me to the point where i can't function.

my daughter is a lot like me in many ways. which is not rocket science, i know, but it's alarming seeing a version of yourself struggling with things that you yourself have not mastered. and though she does not have bpd like i do, she certainly does have a very, very sensitive nature. she really does not have many areas of grey in her emotions, and knowing what that is like, it's just tough to watch. she has the best heart. and when she loves someone/something, or enjoys something, she lights up. she is a blast. she loves so much and so intensely, it's amazing to see. but the flip side of that is tough. when she sees someone else in pain, in a problem, even just as simple as some playground teasing, she steps up to the plate and stands up for them. but it goes past that...she feels so badly for them that it's as though it's happening to her. and i know what that's like. and to watch her go through it, holy crap. it's not easy. feeling intense emotions can be great, but there's a dark side to all of it. and it's pretty dismal sometimes. and some people will just never understand that.

wow, that's been building up. enough of that nonsense.

my nephew is currently finding new and inventive ways to not go to bed. "i have to tell auntie kari something." "i'm thirsty." "my arm is broken and the bone is sticking out of the skin." those kids will say ANYTHING to stay up at night.

halloween is just around the corner and it has always been my favorite holiday. this year's costume choice is leaning more and more toward wednesday addams (truth). we might even have a party (truth). we will also hire clown and monkeys for entertainment (not true).

i really don't feel like working tomorrow. i mean, is there REALLY a day where i think, "gosh, know what's better than sleeping in late? WORKING! what's better than relaxing around the house in my pajamas, playing with the pets and watching really bad television? WORKING!"

that being said, i do like what i do, for the most part. i don't even think i've really written much about my job since beginning in may. i work for the in-store marketing department of target corporation. i am the preflight person for electronic production. and what in the hell does that mean? it means that, when the creative department's files for the store signs are designed and ready to put together for print, they come to me. i look them over and "preflight them," or check the photo resolution, the fonts, the layouts, etc. then i pass them along to the production folks and they build the final files and send them to the printers. some signs i'll build the finals files for, if i have time and people need help, but mostly i'm my own little island of work. and it's pretty cool going into a store and seeing stuff i'm seen on my computer screen. so yeah, any target you go to, chances are the signs you are looking at were touched by my manhands months ago.

so that's what i do. it's not a job that changes lives or makes the world a better place, but it's a decent job that i feel fairly lucky to have. it would be nice to have a job that makes a difference, but being abbey's mom falls under the category of "making the world a better place," because she rocks SO MUCH!

and i just got an "i lub you" from my nephew. (and if you mock his not quite four-year-old way of speech, i'll rip off your arms and beat you with them.)