"sweet dreams....

.... and fine machines in pieces on the ground."

two months, brammy. and i know i'm not the only one who misses you and thinks about you everyday.

let's see if i can do this without breaking down...

i've been trying to blog my bram story. it won't be extensive and all-detail providing, but it will offer up a small picture of how i met bram and how he became one of my best friends.

i knew bram in high school and envied his ability to look however he wanted and say whatever he wanted without caring what others thought. we were friends, but not super close or anything. when i went away to college my dad introduced me to some new-fangled technology called "electronic mail," and eventually gave bram my email address. we began writing emails and, if you know bram, sometimes they would have many words, but mostly they would have one or two words. our favorites became "bastardo" and "assweepay," to sound vulgar and fancy at the same time.

i left moorhead state in march of 1994 and on my first night back in minot bram picked me up in that little yellow car. it smelled like a combination of peach potpourri (he had little scented pebbles in his ashtray) and stale cigarette smoke, and the floor of the car was covered -- COVERED with paper and trash.... which was comfortable to me, b/c i'm a slob. seriously. i'm sure we went to perkins that night b/c that's pretty much what anyone under the age of 21 did in minot... perkins all night, coffee, chain-smoking and writing.

hanging out with bram became and everyday habit. he was just always around. when my parents would leave town, they'd have him stay with me to make sure i'd be safe and not get into any trouble. basically we'd sit around and watch either "benny and joon" or "when harry met sally."

"when harry met sally" became "our" movie. we learned every line from watching it so damn much, and eventually just went back and forth whenever we sat at perkins. and when i think of perkins now, i remember how bram would laugh at me when i'd flick my cigarette. actually, it was more of a "THWACK." he'd giggle and then imitate me.

i would go out with a guy and bram would be there to pick up the pieces after it would ALWAYS fall to shit. there were two boys i dated around that time and he took to calling them "boy 1" and "boy 2," to show that they were BOYS, therefore not worthy of my time.

middle of the night road trips to fargo. paying "leap frog" with cars on the highway. buying cloves at one world in moorhead. watching PCU. tequila nights. spam nights (every night). sitting up late and not talking, just reading and listening to tori amos.

naturally we developed a crush on each other, but the timing never really seemed right... even when we were both single and wanted to make it work, it was like there was a little something in each of us that held us back.

i think there was a part of him that liked the crazy i offered. however the romantic notion of a relationship with someone who has some issues (for instance, the characters of Sam and Joon in Benny & Joon...) is much different than the reality of it. i was a mess. i was at the beginning 0f a very, very long road of brain shit and i never believed that i was good for bram and proved this to him and everyone else time and again. but in all that time, he never ONCE scolded me when he should have, he never once blamed me for anything, even if i deserved it. (okay, not holding up so well now...) he cared for me unconditionally and taught me so much.

years later i would apologize for my bad behavior and he simply said "it doesn't matter. it's all good."

he got me through a pregnancy at a relatively early age. he got me through a divorce. he got me through a near-break-up two years ago. and i just hope i gave to him a SLIVER of what he gave to me.

(i'm full-on sobbing now. i should have expected this.)

i'm so angry that he's gone. i'm so angry that his voicemail is the only way i'll hear him again. i'm so angry that i didn't try harder to get back to minot in august when he wanted me to meet up with him. i'm so angry that he won't get to hang out with my son.

but i'm so, SO lucky i knew him. that we emailed in 1993. i'm so lucky that he taught me to just be okay with who i was and who i became. i'm so lucky he knew my daughter and that she remembers him and loves him. i think we're all so fortunate for having him on this earth, albeit too short a time. i'm so glad he knew i was having a baby. i'm so grateful that he found the love of his life.

i know all of us want to be able to push a "redo" button and go back two months in time -- two months and one week, and call him and say "go to the doctor! now! immediately!" i know all of us have to remind ourselves that this is real.

i know that, at some point, i'll be able to talk about him and think about him for more than five minutes without sobbing. but i think that day is a long time off.