bloggy typos

I always forget that my blog is set up to be emailed to some specific people -- and that if I hit "post" before proofreading, iPhone may have autocorrections ("sonny" should be "wonky") and "I need to" was going to be the phrase "I need to blog more." and its now fixed bc I'm, well, a lil neurotic.






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Panic and stuff

I need to. my
need mmmmmm brain gets wonky sometimes (wha? since when?) and it can chew me up and spit me out if I don't tend to it. and I need to tend to it more often.

I was talking to my dad this morning and I kinda realized that I'm not so good at remembering to tend to myself - or my brain. i do the basic stuff but it's tough when caring for 2 young kids and a teen, bc it exhausts every ounce of energy and patience you have. and I love my kids more than life itself but I need to do things like REMEMBERING TO EAT.

I've been having some panic/anxiety stuff happening & it's no goddamn picnic. (mostly bc there's no potato salad.) yesterday's brought with it hot flashes - felt like my arms were on fire. awful. scary. so now I'm reading online ways to combat it, to keep it away, to deal with it when it happens. also looking into anxiety meds cause, you know, I don't take enough pills already.

I know, I'm whining. and my iPhone knows it bc there's only 6% of my battery left, so that's my cue for to knock it off.

here's to another day tomorrow that will have very few moments of fear. I'm pretty fucking tired of feeling afraid bc I might feel afraid tmrw.


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warning: nesting has begun ...

baby/oskar room becoming a room again, as opposed to the storage room it once was. i just browned pork chops and put them into the crockpot, along with some stuffing and cream of mushroom soup. we'll see how that goes.

if i move a twin mattress from one room to another, will my water break? if so, I'M SO ON IT.

side note: how do dogs ALWAYS know the expensive shoes to chew on? did she HAVE to go after oskar's stride rites AGAIN? for fuck's sake.

one week from tmrw I'll be getting ready to check into the hospital -- I go in at nighttime have some pre-induction stuff going on, then the magic happens the next day, oct. 27. totally nuts. it's also weird bc I've never stayed a night away from oskar. he'll be snuggled with dustin and then at daycare the next day.

eek! baby time approaches!

now I think I'm going to dust. that's right, I'm going to dust shelves and whatever else I see. NESTING!

tub time ...

a day filled with contractions of a sharp, eye-watering nature, so it's in the tub with me to see if they'll stick around. since both my previous kids were induced, I have no way to measure how long my labors would normally be if they came without my eviction notice. makes knowing when to go in a little tricky.

we shall see what the wee hours bring ...


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another night ...

another blog from the tub. more contractions, doing the warm bath test to see if they are the kind to stick around or not. the way this feels, it's hard to believe that she will wait another three weeks to come out. yowza.

and I really really wish I had a huge bathtub, bc it's not like I'm not already too lengthy for this thing, but there's not a lot of elbow room at this point in my pregnancy. a huge tub that's deeper than the average tub would be super awesome.

the worst part about the end weeks of the pregnancy is how I'm so hyper-aware of my aches and pains. constantly questioning every twinge, every odd sensation, secretly worries that my water will break in public (knowing full well that only 10% of women actually have the water break prior to birth), or that I'll wait too long to get to the hospital for fear of going in unnecessarily that I give birth in my car.

anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.

water getting cold, eyes getting tired. will update later.

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post bath update

prob not the real thing -- contractions have all but disappeared and they were real labor ones, they'd still be going.

plenty of time left for her to finish cookin' ... l


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bloggin' from a bathtub ...

as advised by the midwife on call at the hospital this evening, I've just had many glasses of water and now soaking in a warm tub.

why?

I started having somewhat regular and fairly painful contractions about an hour or more ago. the theory is that if u drink a bunch of water and soak in a warm tub and they go away, it's not real labor. if after this is done and after I'm in bed awhile and it's still happening, I'll prob have to go in to get checked out.

which sucks, bc you can't just stop in and quickly get checked out, they full-on admit you to the hospital before they start checking anything.

do I think I'm in labor? i dunno. but I tossed some clothes into a suitcase, you know, just in case.

however the best way to ensure that it is real labor is to be completely unpacked and unprepared. just like the best way to stop contractions is to go to the hospital to have them checked out.

so here I sit, iPhone in hand (but out of tub range bc I'm clumsy), waiting for whatever comes next.

I'll keep you posted ...

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stormy night ...

... and for as terrified of storms I used to be, it's astonishing to me that I now love the sound.

I remember watching clouds roll into Minot from the west, dreading the dark ones bc it meant once the temp dropped and it cooled slightly that the storms would start and down into the basement we'd go.

I would do weird little OCD type things to try to stave off any potential storms --- bc a 4th grader has that much control, right? bc god knows if i tore off a piece of paper towel and there was a little piece that hadn't come off where the perforation was, clearly I was at fault and a tornado would suck up my house as punishment.

I recall being so scared that I throw up in our basement when the sirens were going off. (keep in mind that unlike MN, sirens only went off in Minot when there was an actual tornado warning, not just a severe thunderstorm with tornadic potential.)

I even talked to my therapist about it (yes, a therapist at age 12, don't judge me) and I expected she would say something wise and insightful that would magically cure me. nope. not a bit.

around the end of 7th grade I slept over at my best friend amy's house, and that night was the night of several rounds of sirens.
her mom made some awesome pasta salad with imitation crab in it and for that was the first year I wasn't scared out of my mind.

in fact, that was the first night where I began waking up a minute or two before sirens began. like my brain was giving me a head start or something.

now here I am, being lulled to sleep by the thunder outside. I've come a long way. (now I'd like some pasta/crab salad.)

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night of bad dreams

one involved someone getting in the house (prompting me to have Dustin check the door was locked), one involved a friend dying, ... not a good night's rest in my head. blargh.


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no good at updating ...

still. no good.

but it's a girl, folks! so far all is looking good, for the exception of the dark circles under my eyes, indicative of my need for sleep increasing again. I'll miss you, second trimester of energy and fewer mood swings.

Lucy and Zelda top the list for baby names.

tired. so tired. sleep will now happen for me.


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giving it a try, mobile style!

testing, testing ... is this thing on???





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12 week ultrasound

names and stuff

so we've heard the heartbeat a couple of times now, so we're comfortable in actually discussing names for the halloween baby. i also find that i'll hate a name for little or no reason quite easily.

names i like:
dexter
(but the "er" at the end sounds similar to the "ar" sound at the end of oskar, so that might be a dealbreaker.)
malcolm
beckett

for girls my top favorites are (and i didn't mean to make a theme of flower types):
iris
violet

since i will be 35 in a month and some change, that puts me into the magical "high risk" category (because apparently baby-making parts go bad?), however that icky stigma also adds in a couple of extra routine ultrasounds, so i'll see the lil' shaver on april 21 and then again six weeks after that (that one will be the gender display), and then again at 34 weeks. so that's okay by me.

right now oskar and i are eating dinner and watching "how the grinch stole christmas," because good fun knows no season. for dinner, you ask? why, it's some delightfully white trash fishsticks! the kid loves 'em and they're easy to make.

i can't wait to have something resembling energy again. just a few weeks to go (i hope).

currently still feel as though i've been hit by a truck, but the nausea accompanying that "hit by truck" feeling has waned off. but i still can't stand (read: gag horribly) when i smell dish soap on my hands. regular soap=fine. dishsoap=gaggy. let's just say i'm making everything dishwasher safe in this house. (and if our pets don't watch it, they're next.)

list of things that make me queasy...

or really, the smells that do it now.

last night it was the dinner i'd made (pasta bake with ground beef) -- i think the beef was the issue.

today? oh, it's just the smell of my hands after i've washed Oskar's tray with the sponge and dishsoap. yeah, cause i don't do THAT 80 times a day. fuck.

and why was i smelling my hands? i wasn't, but as i was eating some yogurt it's all i could smell as i brought the spoon to my mouth. my olfactory sense is THAT intense right now.

it's gonna be a long six weeks until the next trimester.

holy moses.

i'm really fucking queasy.
new rule: no more ground beef being cooked around here for a while.

that's all for now. must recline and think non-gagging thoughts. (in other words, no discussion of sarah palin whatsoever. oh crap... *gaggggggg*)

what a mixed bag, this "pregnant" thing...

mixed in the sense that when you don't have symptoms (nausea, sore boobs, etc.) you think "yikes! something is wrong with the pregnancy!'

then about eight hours pass (in which time you've actually gotten laundry, dishes AND work done) and it hits you ... that burning feeling in your stomach.

now of course i'm bitching about feeling nauseated. OH, i suck.

see? mixed bag.

upcoming events: monday my little girl turns FOURTEEN. holy crap. yes, we're that old, everyone. also on monday is my seven week ultrasound, and we'll see for certain if all systems are a GO for this here pregnancy.

and now for some Wii tennis with oskar!

baby made a bad, bad meal.

i'm not an experienced cook. i can make a few things (and do so on heavy rotation) ... sloppy joe's (not manwich, but real ones), tater tot hotdish, slow cooker pot roast ... yeah, that's about it as far as "from scratch" types of meals.

so i've been trying to look up recipes but often i find myself looking in the cupboards seeing only a few things, so i try to make up something.

i started with a pound of ground beef, and i figured "hey, i'll use that cream of chicken soup for a base, then add broccoli, celery and onions and put it on some pasta! i'm so fucking clever!"

beef is browned, veggies added and it's time to add the soup. i dump it in. it's no cream of chicken. it's not cream of anything. at all. it's chicken and rice soup. so no cream base at all. just watery, ricey ground beef with celery, broccoli and onions.

*sigh*

(at this point in time i wonder if i should just make pancakes.)

but no, i don't give up. i add pasta sauce. but there's not enough pasta sauce to balance the pound of ground beef. i eat a little bit, but it's just ... blah.

so in my last ditch attempt, i add condensed tomato soup. yeah, that's right. i took that road.

so it was tomato soup loaded with beef.

then i added a shit-ton of italian seasonings.

how did it taste?

dustin said "pretty tasty. i thought it was good."

i wasn't super impressed, but i guess i learned a valuable lesson. several lessons. like, "read labels before pouring in soup" and "if your instincts say to make pancakes, do that instead."

i'm DETERMINED!

yes! determined to post a blog post EVERY DAMN DAY! even if it's just about mundane things, like the shoe store i'm taking oskar tomorrow (he has man feet that require expensive shoes) or the cool exciting thing like abbey's musical opening tomorrow!

some douchebags were giving abbey a hard time about being "just a townsperson" in the play. i hate middle school kids. and these are the same kids that always, ALWAYS give abbey crap about something. i know it still hurts her, but i'm trying to teach her to never ever ever be surprised by their crap behavior. in fact, to expect it and then if it doesn't happen, it's a pleasant surprise! i'm even coaching her with comebacks for when they do spout crap from their stupid middle school mouths...

"oh good! my day isn't complete until you insult me! thanks!"
"and here i was afraid that you'd skip a day... what a relief!"

i hate teaching her to expect shitty behavior from people. but kids like *"asshat" and *"fuckwad" leave me no real choice.

oskar is sleeping. dustin is sleeping. abbey is pretending to be asleep but is really on facebook. all is as it should be at 9 p.m.

wait ... i'm awake? crap. i guess i'll get there soon.

i think i'll also post a photo of my uterus. isn't that exciting???


so in the center you see a black oval shape -- that's the "gestational sac." and on the left you see a little blog -- that's the "yolk sac."

gross, right? just seeing the words "yolk sac" make me all gaggy.

and at this early stage there's no way to see any fetus growth whatsoever, but it's there, hiding. (either that or there's no fetal growth happening. we'll see at the next ultrasound on **March 15. fingers crossed.)

must sleep now! and since i've posted two days in a row, i wonder if ***someone else will be inspired to begin posting again. hmm.

*not actual given names, but should be.
**my kid turns 14 that very same day!
***talkin' 'bout you, andrew ho.

let's see if i can get back into the habit ...

of blogging. i know. i ALWAYS say that. however now it's easier to blog because i've got a handy-dandy laptop to use. we all know i'm lazy, and now you know just HOW lazy.

my son enjoys grape jelly on toast. he's showing me how much by smearing jelly all over his fingers. but then he whines that he's sticky. *sigh*

so yeah, pregnant. pregnant! very happy, yet cautious because if 2006 taught me anything, it taught me that early pregnancy does not equal a viable pregnancy.

so i thought i was six weeks, i am five (i think). i was one of those dorks who had an iphone application that charted my cycles. why? because i wanted to get pregnant and be high-tech at the same time.

then at the end of january my iphone met with an unfortunate ending. then in late february i realized i really really needed the information on that iphone. the iphone that died. and so i guessed.

and i guessed wrong, esp. judging by the state of things on the ultrasound. the ultrasound looks great for a five-week pregnant person, not so great for a six week pregnant person. so i took a second look at my calendar and, by doing a little bit of thinking and remembering where i was at, i realized that i'm at five weeks.

which means all looks to be okay at this point.

another ultrasound on march 15 (my daughter's birthday!) to confirm the viability of the fetus, and if that's good to go, my first actual check up is march 29.

i've had one confirmed miscarriage, a couple suspected, and i don't think i want to go through these much more. really hoping for the best on this one.

oskar is vacuuming the living room. he's been vacuuming the living room for the better part of 20 minutes, but damn it, he's one happy toddler and i have time to blog. vacuum away, small boy. vacuum away.

anyone have any tips for making a child sit in a chair for a haircut at a hair place? you'd think the options they provide at kids' hair would be sufficient: movie, toys, bubbles shot from a bubble air gun... but no. he freaking SCREAMS.

i know he really loves blueberries. can i distract him with berries? that might happen tomorrow. or i might just do it myself as he sleeps and watch in horror as he wakes with an accidental mullet. maybe it's best left to the professionals.

i've long wondered to myself why i never use proper capitalization when i type -- esp. when i blog. it's not emulating e.e. cummings in any way (although i do love me some e.e. cummings), it's not a statement against what has been impressed upon us since childhood. i think it's because i'm LAZY. see? we've come full circle. i'm LAZY.

now he wants to stop vacuuming, but only so that someone else can vacuum and chase him with the vacuum.

i need sleep.

so sleepy.

so sleepy i could actually vomit from it. okay, not ACTUALLY vomit. but it did cross my mind. but i'm so tired i ache. and i napped today. oskar is playing with the vacuum currently (not using it, but studying it) and now that i look behind me he has disregarded it (it's still on) and is talking to a toy elephant.

priorities.

just shut it off -- he's going to be very, very pissed in a moment. wait for it ...

not so much, pissed, but a bit dismayed.

christ, have i forgotten how to blog? how to create a thought-provoking blog post that brings you back to see what comes next, day after day?

i think i may have.

balls.

a chalky aftertaste because it's CHALK.

i don't think a child has the right to snub food we make for dinner when he eats chalk every chance he gets. there's my two cents on the topic.

past few days and some thoughts on extended breastfeeding

spent 24 hours in minot -- or rather, in deering at the farm -- while dust had to go to a work thing in minot. even though i wasn't able to connect with my folks or our minot friends, it was a good chance for oskar to have some one-on-one time with dustin's parents. we'll be in minot the weekend of jan. 15 and hopefully we can catch up with everyone that weekend at some central location that we can all get to and have our kids at. ideas, anyone?

on the topic of long-term nursing... (and this is in NO WAY a condemnation of anyone who chooses to bottle feed, this is just my two cents on nursing in general. i'm all about choice on it.)

some people get freaked out by nursing in general, let alone nursing a child how can indicate that he would like to nurse. i don't plan on nursing him until he's in school, but i do kind of follow the mindset that kids know when it's their time to be done. here are a few key things that i like about it (i'm relaying the facts from two different articles) :

• World opinion is on your side. The World Health Organization (WHO) officially recommends mothers breastfeed until three years of age. That's right, THREE.

• For mothers, certain benefits of breastfeeding are cumulative and the longer a woman breastfeeds her children the greater she reduces her risk of developing various diseases. Lactation reduces a mother's risk of developing ovarian cancer, endometrial cancer, uterine cancer, breast cancer and osteoporosis. A woman who nurses her baby for at least a year effectively reduces her risk of developing breast cancer by 11%. If she nurses her toddler through age 2, she reduces her risk of developing breast cancer by 25%. If a mother breastfeeds her children for a cumulative seven years over her lifetime, her risk of developing breast cancer is almost entirely reduced. )

• Studies show that the longer and more frequently a mom nurses her baby, the smarter her child is likely to become. The brain grows more during the first two years of life than any other time, nearly tripling in size from birth to two years of age.

• Breastfeeding is also an exercise in baby reading, which enables a mother to more easily read her toddler's cues and intervene before a discipline situation gets out of hand.

all those are really important points to mention, but here's what i dig: when a baby is, well, a baby, they nurse because that is how they survive. they do it because that's how they are programmed, if you will. then they get older, and some babies wean earlier on their own, and milk supplies don't always cooperate how you'd like them to.

however when they get older and they are still nursing (at which point it's coined "comfort nursing," as it's more for nurturing than nutritional content), they totally get it. you can see how they look at you while nursing and they know it's a really cool, awesome thing that you are doing for them -- and for you, as long as it still works for the both of you.

that's the key point -- it has to work for BOTH mom and baby. and sometimes it won't work out that way, and that's okay, too. this is something that works for us -- largely because i have a schedule that is very accommodating to it.

i know that soon enough -- in the next few months -- oskar will start his own self-weaning process and we'll gradually decrease until we're down to the one comfort nursing time of day -- bedtime. that is the last one to go usually. for now i'm going to enjoy this time while it lasts.

well there it is. there's my GAJILLION cents on how i'm still nursing oskar and i think it's pretty cool.