No work for me today. But sweatpants are a go.

Had a great meeting with a recruiter from an agency this morning, so fingers crossed something that is temp-to-hire pops up with my name written all over it. Will be sad to send my lil ones to full-time daycare, but relieved when I know I'll have a paycheck again someday.

Had a dream about Minot last night. It was weird bc it was supposed to be Minot but we kept saying it was Bismarck — and I was on a common road (16th, I think?) and there were no houses left, it looked like lake-front property. There were also my trademark tornadoes that are in at least one of my dreams each week. Several funnels, some touching down, others just mini little dust devils, but as usual I'm trying to avoid them and watch them at the very same time. The usual dream involves me in a building that has glass walls/windows, so that, you know, interesting.

So my plan today has been mostly fulfilled: apply for jobs, lament how my cover letters are crappy and I should really pay a professional to write them for me, eat some cereal, catch up on Glee Project (which says very little about me and I'd be better off saying I was watching The Wire, but I like to be honest on here).

A little bummed. Feeling a little bit like I am without purpose currently. I know I have purpose ("I FOUND MY SPECIAL PURPOSE!") because I have a family and I have friends and I have this blog, a blog I've often neglected but it keeps welcoming me back with open arms — but a job would be nice.

I wonder if anyone reads this anymore, it's been sooooo very long since I've done much on here. *crickets*

This thing on?

wow.

losing a job that hasn't been ideal is kind of like being dumped from a crummy relationship. sure, it was somewhat dysfunctional and there were parts that mad you upset, but it was there and routine and something to be depended upon. "it's not you, it's me" never actually consoled me in breakups, and "it's not you, it's the economy" isn't a whole lot better. cause it's kinda me, bc it's something that I do, that I've worked at and now I'm told that it isn't important.

so there's that. finally something I can talk about on my much-neglected blog.

it's finally a nice enough evening to sit outside. when it's muggy outside I'm notoriously pissy, so this actually feels really, really nice.

here's a picture of a wee Olive on my lap:






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long long ago ...

I blogged on a regular basis. I also smoked on a regular basis. Then I quit smoking and never made time to blog. Now I have anxiety. Coincidence?


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support this guy!

saw a post from a friend I worked with at target corp. -- he mentioned a blog by a copywriter there who is going through chemotherapy and has set up a blog. it's a worthwhile blog to follow and, if you can, toss some support his way for his Livestrong goal!


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I'm beginning a list!

here is a list I've been thinking about.

THINGS THAT HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE AS GOOD AS THEY ARE

- coca cola
- feta cheese
- chicken in a biskit crackers
- actor jon hamm (don draper)

(feel free to add suggestions)

a brief thought

the phrase "I know, right?" is cause to cane someone.

as you were.

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blog post 1801

that's crazy. 1801 times i've put something out there for anyone to find. odd, this crazy internet.

i'm always meaning to do more blogging/writing, but i never get around to it. those days are over. i've noticed a direct correlation between my urge to smoke a gajillion cigarettes and the amount of stress i've been dealing with, and, as i've always known, writing makes me feel better.

technology, while amazing and fun and zany (seriously? a site of cats in sweaters? FUCK YEAH!),  is creating a whole shit-storm that parents have to weather. we've come across a situation in which we need to do more monitoring of the teenager's activities online. sure, we could just go amish on her and remove her from all technology, but these days kids only communicate with each other via email, texting and online chatting, so i've just completed about 67 steps that will make accessing certain networking sites from our home computers virtually (ha! get it? virtually?) impossible.
hey, mark zuckerberg, here's a tip: MAKE IT HARDER TO GET A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT. make the age 18 and require a NOTARIZED FUCKING FORM & a PHOTO ID to prove the age. i'm all for parental involvement but anyone can go to the public library and open a facebook account. i cannot possibly stand over my kid's shoulder every single time she is online.

i've spent much of today changing passwords, blocking sites, creating user accounts and modifying the settings of user accounts, changing wireless passwords and so on and so forth.

and does anyone know how to disable the wi-fi on an ipod touch? this is a mystery to me.

hey. whaddya know -- i feel a bit better. like i just purged a little bit of this crappy, bile feeling that's been rumbling in my stomach today. but without the actual horrific act of purging. thanks, blogger.

"we may be through with the past ..."

"... but the past ain't through with us." ~ bergen evans

i've been thinking about this topic a lot lately, how things that happened last week, last month, last year, last decade — basically all the way back to our first grand entry into the world — shapes us and affects us. how all those things, no matter how big or small, all those things have brought us to where we are right now.

a few days ago i was reminded of something that happened just a few years back, and i was surprised by how much it bothered me all over again. i was pissed at first. REALLY pissed. then i just kind of avoided thinking about it, hoping it would just kind of go away on it's own.

("it" being "the hurt i felt over something that a normal person would have gotten past but i'm overly sensitive.")

but instead it just came back a day or two later and disguised itself as generic irritability. now that i've realized that i'm feeling very shitty and short-tempered (which doesn't help when dealing with a toddler) because of this thing, i'm at a loss of how to deal with it.

i guess i thought i was through with this part of my past, but it's not quite through with me.

(i'm now eating a funfetti cupcake with funfetti frosting.)



i like to think that i'm somehow "better" than to be upset by things from the past. but i don't think it has anything to do with self-worth. there's a skill in dbt called "radical acceptance," which, easily translated, means to just accept something. it doesn't mean you have to like it or that you want it. you just have to accept it.

well i accept that i get pissed about stuff that that happened a while ago, and sometimes it comes back to haunt me a little bit. i accept that it's how i'm wired. i accept that i'm not always going to be cheery, i'm not always going to be able to handle stress or anxiety without some form of panic racing through my body at a neck-breaking speed. i accept that my family and friends know this about me and, somehow, accept and love me.

bloggy typos

I always forget that my blog is set up to be emailed to some specific people -- and that if I hit "post" before proofreading, iPhone may have autocorrections ("sonny" should be "wonky") and "I need to" was going to be the phrase "I need to blog more." and its now fixed bc I'm, well, a lil neurotic.






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Panic and stuff

I need to. my
need mmmmmm brain gets wonky sometimes (wha? since when?) and it can chew me up and spit me out if I don't tend to it. and I need to tend to it more often.

I was talking to my dad this morning and I kinda realized that I'm not so good at remembering to tend to myself - or my brain. i do the basic stuff but it's tough when caring for 2 young kids and a teen, bc it exhausts every ounce of energy and patience you have. and I love my kids more than life itself but I need to do things like REMEMBERING TO EAT.

I've been having some panic/anxiety stuff happening & it's no goddamn picnic. (mostly bc there's no potato salad.) yesterday's brought with it hot flashes - felt like my arms were on fire. awful. scary. so now I'm reading online ways to combat it, to keep it away, to deal with it when it happens. also looking into anxiety meds cause, you know, I don't take enough pills already.

I know, I'm whining. and my iPhone knows it bc there's only 6% of my battery left, so that's my cue for to knock it off.

here's to another day tomorrow that will have very few moments of fear. I'm pretty fucking tired of feeling afraid bc I might feel afraid tmrw.


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warning: nesting has begun ...

baby/oskar room becoming a room again, as opposed to the storage room it once was. i just browned pork chops and put them into the crockpot, along with some stuffing and cream of mushroom soup. we'll see how that goes.

if i move a twin mattress from one room to another, will my water break? if so, I'M SO ON IT.

side note: how do dogs ALWAYS know the expensive shoes to chew on? did she HAVE to go after oskar's stride rites AGAIN? for fuck's sake.

one week from tmrw I'll be getting ready to check into the hospital -- I go in at nighttime have some pre-induction stuff going on, then the magic happens the next day, oct. 27. totally nuts. it's also weird bc I've never stayed a night away from oskar. he'll be snuggled with dustin and then at daycare the next day.

eek! baby time approaches!

now I think I'm going to dust. that's right, I'm going to dust shelves and whatever else I see. NESTING!

tub time ...

a day filled with contractions of a sharp, eye-watering nature, so it's in the tub with me to see if they'll stick around. since both my previous kids were induced, I have no way to measure how long my labors would normally be if they came without my eviction notice. makes knowing when to go in a little tricky.

we shall see what the wee hours bring ...


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another night ...

another blog from the tub. more contractions, doing the warm bath test to see if they are the kind to stick around or not. the way this feels, it's hard to believe that she will wait another three weeks to come out. yowza.

and I really really wish I had a huge bathtub, bc it's not like I'm not already too lengthy for this thing, but there's not a lot of elbow room at this point in my pregnancy. a huge tub that's deeper than the average tub would be super awesome.

the worst part about the end weeks of the pregnancy is how I'm so hyper-aware of my aches and pains. constantly questioning every twinge, every odd sensation, secretly worries that my water will break in public (knowing full well that only 10% of women actually have the water break prior to birth), or that I'll wait too long to get to the hospital for fear of going in unnecessarily that I give birth in my car.

anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.

water getting cold, eyes getting tired. will update later.

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post bath update

prob not the real thing -- contractions have all but disappeared and they were real labor ones, they'd still be going.

plenty of time left for her to finish cookin' ... l


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bloggin' from a bathtub ...

as advised by the midwife on call at the hospital this evening, I've just had many glasses of water and now soaking in a warm tub.

why?

I started having somewhat regular and fairly painful contractions about an hour or more ago. the theory is that if u drink a bunch of water and soak in a warm tub and they go away, it's not real labor. if after this is done and after I'm in bed awhile and it's still happening, I'll prob have to go in to get checked out.

which sucks, bc you can't just stop in and quickly get checked out, they full-on admit you to the hospital before they start checking anything.

do I think I'm in labor? i dunno. but I tossed some clothes into a suitcase, you know, just in case.

however the best way to ensure that it is real labor is to be completely unpacked and unprepared. just like the best way to stop contractions is to go to the hospital to have them checked out.

so here I sit, iPhone in hand (but out of tub range bc I'm clumsy), waiting for whatever comes next.

I'll keep you posted ...

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stormy night ...

... and for as terrified of storms I used to be, it's astonishing to me that I now love the sound.

I remember watching clouds roll into Minot from the west, dreading the dark ones bc it meant once the temp dropped and it cooled slightly that the storms would start and down into the basement we'd go.

I would do weird little OCD type things to try to stave off any potential storms --- bc a 4th grader has that much control, right? bc god knows if i tore off a piece of paper towel and there was a little piece that hadn't come off where the perforation was, clearly I was at fault and a tornado would suck up my house as punishment.

I recall being so scared that I throw up in our basement when the sirens were going off. (keep in mind that unlike MN, sirens only went off in Minot when there was an actual tornado warning, not just a severe thunderstorm with tornadic potential.)

I even talked to my therapist about it (yes, a therapist at age 12, don't judge me) and I expected she would say something wise and insightful that would magically cure me. nope. not a bit.

around the end of 7th grade I slept over at my best friend amy's house, and that night was the night of several rounds of sirens.
her mom made some awesome pasta salad with imitation crab in it and for that was the first year I wasn't scared out of my mind.

in fact, that was the first night where I began waking up a minute or two before sirens began. like my brain was giving me a head start or something.

now here I am, being lulled to sleep by the thunder outside. I've come a long way. (now I'd like some pasta/crab salad.)

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night of bad dreams

one involved someone getting in the house (prompting me to have Dustin check the door was locked), one involved a friend dying, ... not a good night's rest in my head. blargh.


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no good at updating ...

still. no good.

but it's a girl, folks! so far all is looking good, for the exception of the dark circles under my eyes, indicative of my need for sleep increasing again. I'll miss you, second trimester of energy and fewer mood swings.

Lucy and Zelda top the list for baby names.

tired. so tired. sleep will now happen for me.


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giving it a try, mobile style!

testing, testing ... is this thing on???





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12 week ultrasound

names and stuff

so we've heard the heartbeat a couple of times now, so we're comfortable in actually discussing names for the halloween baby. i also find that i'll hate a name for little or no reason quite easily.

names i like:
dexter
(but the "er" at the end sounds similar to the "ar" sound at the end of oskar, so that might be a dealbreaker.)
malcolm
beckett

for girls my top favorites are (and i didn't mean to make a theme of flower types):
iris
violet

since i will be 35 in a month and some change, that puts me into the magical "high risk" category (because apparently baby-making parts go bad?), however that icky stigma also adds in a couple of extra routine ultrasounds, so i'll see the lil' shaver on april 21 and then again six weeks after that (that one will be the gender display), and then again at 34 weeks. so that's okay by me.

right now oskar and i are eating dinner and watching "how the grinch stole christmas," because good fun knows no season. for dinner, you ask? why, it's some delightfully white trash fishsticks! the kid loves 'em and they're easy to make.

i can't wait to have something resembling energy again. just a few weeks to go (i hope).

currently still feel as though i've been hit by a truck, but the nausea accompanying that "hit by truck" feeling has waned off. but i still can't stand (read: gag horribly) when i smell dish soap on my hands. regular soap=fine. dishsoap=gaggy. let's just say i'm making everything dishwasher safe in this house. (and if our pets don't watch it, they're next.)

list of things that make me queasy...

or really, the smells that do it now.

last night it was the dinner i'd made (pasta bake with ground beef) -- i think the beef was the issue.

today? oh, it's just the smell of my hands after i've washed Oskar's tray with the sponge and dishsoap. yeah, cause i don't do THAT 80 times a day. fuck.

and why was i smelling my hands? i wasn't, but as i was eating some yogurt it's all i could smell as i brought the spoon to my mouth. my olfactory sense is THAT intense right now.

it's gonna be a long six weeks until the next trimester.

holy moses.

i'm really fucking queasy.
new rule: no more ground beef being cooked around here for a while.

that's all for now. must recline and think non-gagging thoughts. (in other words, no discussion of sarah palin whatsoever. oh crap... *gaggggggg*)

what a mixed bag, this "pregnant" thing...

mixed in the sense that when you don't have symptoms (nausea, sore boobs, etc.) you think "yikes! something is wrong with the pregnancy!'

then about eight hours pass (in which time you've actually gotten laundry, dishes AND work done) and it hits you ... that burning feeling in your stomach.

now of course i'm bitching about feeling nauseated. OH, i suck.

see? mixed bag.

upcoming events: monday my little girl turns FOURTEEN. holy crap. yes, we're that old, everyone. also on monday is my seven week ultrasound, and we'll see for certain if all systems are a GO for this here pregnancy.

and now for some Wii tennis with oskar!

baby made a bad, bad meal.

i'm not an experienced cook. i can make a few things (and do so on heavy rotation) ... sloppy joe's (not manwich, but real ones), tater tot hotdish, slow cooker pot roast ... yeah, that's about it as far as "from scratch" types of meals.

so i've been trying to look up recipes but often i find myself looking in the cupboards seeing only a few things, so i try to make up something.

i started with a pound of ground beef, and i figured "hey, i'll use that cream of chicken soup for a base, then add broccoli, celery and onions and put it on some pasta! i'm so fucking clever!"

beef is browned, veggies added and it's time to add the soup. i dump it in. it's no cream of chicken. it's not cream of anything. at all. it's chicken and rice soup. so no cream base at all. just watery, ricey ground beef with celery, broccoli and onions.

*sigh*

(at this point in time i wonder if i should just make pancakes.)

but no, i don't give up. i add pasta sauce. but there's not enough pasta sauce to balance the pound of ground beef. i eat a little bit, but it's just ... blah.

so in my last ditch attempt, i add condensed tomato soup. yeah, that's right. i took that road.

so it was tomato soup loaded with beef.

then i added a shit-ton of italian seasonings.

how did it taste?

dustin said "pretty tasty. i thought it was good."

i wasn't super impressed, but i guess i learned a valuable lesson. several lessons. like, "read labels before pouring in soup" and "if your instincts say to make pancakes, do that instead."

i'm DETERMINED!

yes! determined to post a blog post EVERY DAMN DAY! even if it's just about mundane things, like the shoe store i'm taking oskar tomorrow (he has man feet that require expensive shoes) or the cool exciting thing like abbey's musical opening tomorrow!

some douchebags were giving abbey a hard time about being "just a townsperson" in the play. i hate middle school kids. and these are the same kids that always, ALWAYS give abbey crap about something. i know it still hurts her, but i'm trying to teach her to never ever ever be surprised by their crap behavior. in fact, to expect it and then if it doesn't happen, it's a pleasant surprise! i'm even coaching her with comebacks for when they do spout crap from their stupid middle school mouths...

"oh good! my day isn't complete until you insult me! thanks!"
"and here i was afraid that you'd skip a day... what a relief!"

i hate teaching her to expect shitty behavior from people. but kids like *"asshat" and *"fuckwad" leave me no real choice.

oskar is sleeping. dustin is sleeping. abbey is pretending to be asleep but is really on facebook. all is as it should be at 9 p.m.

wait ... i'm awake? crap. i guess i'll get there soon.

i think i'll also post a photo of my uterus. isn't that exciting???


so in the center you see a black oval shape -- that's the "gestational sac." and on the left you see a little blog -- that's the "yolk sac."

gross, right? just seeing the words "yolk sac" make me all gaggy.

and at this early stage there's no way to see any fetus growth whatsoever, but it's there, hiding. (either that or there's no fetal growth happening. we'll see at the next ultrasound on **March 15. fingers crossed.)

must sleep now! and since i've posted two days in a row, i wonder if ***someone else will be inspired to begin posting again. hmm.

*not actual given names, but should be.
**my kid turns 14 that very same day!
***talkin' 'bout you, andrew ho.

let's see if i can get back into the habit ...

of blogging. i know. i ALWAYS say that. however now it's easier to blog because i've got a handy-dandy laptop to use. we all know i'm lazy, and now you know just HOW lazy.

my son enjoys grape jelly on toast. he's showing me how much by smearing jelly all over his fingers. but then he whines that he's sticky. *sigh*

so yeah, pregnant. pregnant! very happy, yet cautious because if 2006 taught me anything, it taught me that early pregnancy does not equal a viable pregnancy.

so i thought i was six weeks, i am five (i think). i was one of those dorks who had an iphone application that charted my cycles. why? because i wanted to get pregnant and be high-tech at the same time.

then at the end of january my iphone met with an unfortunate ending. then in late february i realized i really really needed the information on that iphone. the iphone that died. and so i guessed.

and i guessed wrong, esp. judging by the state of things on the ultrasound. the ultrasound looks great for a five-week pregnant person, not so great for a six week pregnant person. so i took a second look at my calendar and, by doing a little bit of thinking and remembering where i was at, i realized that i'm at five weeks.

which means all looks to be okay at this point.

another ultrasound on march 15 (my daughter's birthday!) to confirm the viability of the fetus, and if that's good to go, my first actual check up is march 29.

i've had one confirmed miscarriage, a couple suspected, and i don't think i want to go through these much more. really hoping for the best on this one.

oskar is vacuuming the living room. he's been vacuuming the living room for the better part of 20 minutes, but damn it, he's one happy toddler and i have time to blog. vacuum away, small boy. vacuum away.

anyone have any tips for making a child sit in a chair for a haircut at a hair place? you'd think the options they provide at kids' hair would be sufficient: movie, toys, bubbles shot from a bubble air gun... but no. he freaking SCREAMS.

i know he really loves blueberries. can i distract him with berries? that might happen tomorrow. or i might just do it myself as he sleeps and watch in horror as he wakes with an accidental mullet. maybe it's best left to the professionals.

i've long wondered to myself why i never use proper capitalization when i type -- esp. when i blog. it's not emulating e.e. cummings in any way (although i do love me some e.e. cummings), it's not a statement against what has been impressed upon us since childhood. i think it's because i'm LAZY. see? we've come full circle. i'm LAZY.

now he wants to stop vacuuming, but only so that someone else can vacuum and chase him with the vacuum.

i need sleep.

so sleepy.

so sleepy i could actually vomit from it. okay, not ACTUALLY vomit. but it did cross my mind. but i'm so tired i ache. and i napped today. oskar is playing with the vacuum currently (not using it, but studying it) and now that i look behind me he has disregarded it (it's still on) and is talking to a toy elephant.

priorities.

just shut it off -- he's going to be very, very pissed in a moment. wait for it ...

not so much, pissed, but a bit dismayed.

christ, have i forgotten how to blog? how to create a thought-provoking blog post that brings you back to see what comes next, day after day?

i think i may have.

balls.

a chalky aftertaste because it's CHALK.

i don't think a child has the right to snub food we make for dinner when he eats chalk every chance he gets. there's my two cents on the topic.

past few days and some thoughts on extended breastfeeding

spent 24 hours in minot -- or rather, in deering at the farm -- while dust had to go to a work thing in minot. even though i wasn't able to connect with my folks or our minot friends, it was a good chance for oskar to have some one-on-one time with dustin's parents. we'll be in minot the weekend of jan. 15 and hopefully we can catch up with everyone that weekend at some central location that we can all get to and have our kids at. ideas, anyone?

on the topic of long-term nursing... (and this is in NO WAY a condemnation of anyone who chooses to bottle feed, this is just my two cents on nursing in general. i'm all about choice on it.)

some people get freaked out by nursing in general, let alone nursing a child how can indicate that he would like to nurse. i don't plan on nursing him until he's in school, but i do kind of follow the mindset that kids know when it's their time to be done. here are a few key things that i like about it (i'm relaying the facts from two different articles) :

• World opinion is on your side. The World Health Organization (WHO) officially recommends mothers breastfeed until three years of age. That's right, THREE.

• For mothers, certain benefits of breastfeeding are cumulative and the longer a woman breastfeeds her children the greater she reduces her risk of developing various diseases. Lactation reduces a mother's risk of developing ovarian cancer, endometrial cancer, uterine cancer, breast cancer and osteoporosis. A woman who nurses her baby for at least a year effectively reduces her risk of developing breast cancer by 11%. If she nurses her toddler through age 2, she reduces her risk of developing breast cancer by 25%. If a mother breastfeeds her children for a cumulative seven years over her lifetime, her risk of developing breast cancer is almost entirely reduced. )

• Studies show that the longer and more frequently a mom nurses her baby, the smarter her child is likely to become. The brain grows more during the first two years of life than any other time, nearly tripling in size from birth to two years of age.

• Breastfeeding is also an exercise in baby reading, which enables a mother to more easily read her toddler's cues and intervene before a discipline situation gets out of hand.

all those are really important points to mention, but here's what i dig: when a baby is, well, a baby, they nurse because that is how they survive. they do it because that's how they are programmed, if you will. then they get older, and some babies wean earlier on their own, and milk supplies don't always cooperate how you'd like them to.

however when they get older and they are still nursing (at which point it's coined "comfort nursing," as it's more for nurturing than nutritional content), they totally get it. you can see how they look at you while nursing and they know it's a really cool, awesome thing that you are doing for them -- and for you, as long as it still works for the both of you.

that's the key point -- it has to work for BOTH mom and baby. and sometimes it won't work out that way, and that's okay, too. this is something that works for us -- largely because i have a schedule that is very accommodating to it.

i know that soon enough -- in the next few months -- oskar will start his own self-weaning process and we'll gradually decrease until we're down to the one comfort nursing time of day -- bedtime. that is the last one to go usually. for now i'm going to enjoy this time while it lasts.

well there it is. there's my GAJILLION cents on how i'm still nursing oskar and i think it's pretty cool.

SNIDECARDS!

SNIDECARDS is the perfect place to find completely random, completely free e-cards that really express how disenchanted and angry you really are! come on by and visit!

giggles at bathtime

why kids are awesome.

sinister things found in my friend jenny's basement created by her daughters:





and my son is totally stylish:

i need to make a list ...

... of things i never thought i'd say, but eventually do say. today's contribution to this list:

"no, no, don't eat the pen."
(to toddler ... which begs the question, why the hell am i letting him play with a pen?)

in other news, start sending those FREE and INCREDIBLY CLEVER SNIDECARDS!

new ones being added *everyday!

*everyday that i remember to upload them

nothing good can come from my this lint out of my brain right now ...

... but maybe just getting the lint out will be a good thing. it's one of those weirdo nights where nothing really is getting to me, then suddenly my head is all clunky on the inside and i keep forgetting that sometimes fall can really fuck me up for no other reason than i'm sprained. not broken, but definitely sprained. and it's just some bullshit that my head needs to wash out, so i take a shower to relax and isolate myself and i realize that i'm lathering and lathering and lathering and GUESS WHAT -- no amount of lather will wash away the fact that sometimes i am uncomfortable in my brain and in my body and in the jeans i was wearing and in the shirt i had on and nothing feels right nothing fits right just can't seem to wash it right off and start over with brand new skin and a brand new brain.

then after i type a bunch (see above) and i picture funny things -- dustin with the hood of oskar's frog costume on his head while he was eating a pear, abbey doing her soup dance, oskar pretending to sleep while in the car. i'm better. i'm back again. i'm myself again. sometimes i just need a little maintenance. so thanks for that, blogger.

photos

so i've not updated my blog with photos for a long time, so here goes!

"nothing yet has really sunk in ..."

most of the time i don't think about bram in terms of him being gone -- i've not been able to do that. i just go about my day and when he pops into my head i just dismiss the ache in my stomach with the thought that he's just busy or out of town. (this works for a while bc, like most friends, we'd go a while without catching up, but once we talked it was as if no time had passed.) denial. denial. denial. denial.

right now it just doesn't work. and i'm trying really hard not to focus on his death, but on his life and the amazing affect he had on everyone he met. i'm trying hard to focus on the fact that, long ago, he befriended a girl who was really really fucked up in many ways, and offered her unconditional love and friendship, no matter what she said, what she did. he never gave up on being my friend.

in high school i used to think that the notion of a "soul mate" was that somehow in this world of a gajillion choices and billions of people that there was one certain person who you were meant to be with.

it was bc of him that i learned that not only are there many people in your life that you can consider soul mates, but that a soul mate is not a term exclusively used for a romantic relationship. i think a soul mate is anyone who can see you as you really are and there is some sort of connection. it can be a friend, a spouse, a family member ... all of the above.

we had a connection. i want to believe that connection still exists somehow, even though he's no longer here. if i don't hold onto that, it's more than i can stand.

"... and i always thought that i'd see you again."

some video, yo.

you know, bc posting on twitter AND facebook just isn't enough ...

holy hell,

it's been a long time since blogging. I hate that I let so much time pass without writing and, let's face it, fb and twitter don't count.

the toddler is asleep on my outstretched right arm and I'm typing this on my phone with my right thumb. it's only a matter of time before my hand loses feeling -- actually that is happening now. aaaaand switch!

in the left hand. I should be sleeping -- I neeeed to sleep -- but my brain is going and thinking and twirling and I feel nothing of substance is landing on this page, just brain lint.

I'm not very disciplined when it comes to things like working out or writing, but I need to figure out a way to keep doing them ... at the very least, this blogging needs to happen more often.

sweet dreams, all.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

some thoughts on health care reform...

as written by my longtime friend, Jason Wood. what he wrote on his facebook page pretty much sums it up pretty well. here goes...

"Here's what will happen if we leave health insurance alone: Premiums will continue to rise at almost twice the rate of inflation. Many small businesses will be priced out of providing insurance for their employees. Millions will be negligently underinsured when fly-by-night companies enter the game hooking customers with low premiums while ... Read Moredelivering anemic coverage. Medical realted bankruptcies, foreclosures, and repositions will drive billions into the debt everyone fears will be caused by reforming health care.

I got tons more to say. (In the words of Al Pacino ... "I'm just getting WARMED UP ...) I'm also sick of hearing about "communism". Funny thing is, communists aren't especially known as being humanitarian role models. Ask the Afghanis about the Russians being "bleeding heart liberals".

And Family Research Council; if you actually are Christain, shame on you. Go do some research ... on families WITHOUT insurance. Actual Christians care about helping others, not towing the lines of the political action groups and insurance companies.

Maybe I missed in the New Testament where Jesus enters the temple and tells God to stay out of the free market.

I recently went to the doctor and got my toe examined. Later I was poked with a needle. Two blood tests were run. According to the health provider I used, this cost over $500. Insurance covered just over 50% of it. Thank the-previously-mentioned-free-market-living-rightwing-version of Jesus this wasn't a serious procedure. What scares me is what ... Read Morepeople without insurance do when their left toes swell up like Jerry Lewis in the 1980's? Do they fork over five large bills? Or maybe they just limp around until it gets better?

And I don't want to hear about your "tax dollars" anymore. You paid your money, but you've also got a ton of things for that. Roads, schools, hospitals, telephones, law enforcement, water, power, garbage removal, television, radio, military, air travel, tax breaks are just a small part of the millions of things we receive for our tax dollars. I'm sure if Ted Nugent or Glen Beck added up their ledgers, they'd find themselves pretty far into the black on that deal.

And if you've collected Medicaid or Medicare and yet you don't believe in socialist health care reform, pay your money back. That would go a long way to reducing that deficit you're so worried about our kids having. And don't collect Social Security either, because you'd really hate taking that free ride.

So far, we've determined it's okay for government to get involved in the battle over reporoductive rights, securing religious freedoms, and protecting traditional marriage. It's okay to fight a War against Drugs, a War Against Terror, and a war against the War on Christmas ... but leave the health insurance companies alone? Sickening.

Health care providers mark-up their services so high that even the guys selling bottled water at Loolapollza cringe. Isn't gouging a crime? Guess not if it's done while wearing a tie.

And Mr. High Finance Fortune Editor-At-Large, I read your "Five Freedoms You'd Lose in Health Care Reform". Your proctologist called: he found your head.

People who don't have insurance either don't have a Preferred Provider Plans or dreamy tax deductiable Health Savings Accounts.

I saw you on CNN where you talked about the ever escalating premium costs. And your solution is to co-opt McCain's plan for people to drop employer insurance plans and get a $2500 tax rebate to buy their own insurance. So, you want to solve the problem of HIGH PREMIUMS by having Americans take self funded insurance so they can pay HIGH PREMIUMS. Great solution. It's like curing AIDS by going and getting more AIDS. ... Read More

And try qualifying for service coverage when you have a pre-exsisting condition. Would your COBRA styled insurance cover your cranal/rectal problems? I think not.

Honestly, I love America. You could even say I'm gay for it. There are so many freedoms and opportunities here. But the freedom to let others to die, while people protect someone's right to gouge their fellow man, isn't right. Protecting the welfare of all citizens is in the preanmble of the constitution. Your founding fathers found it so important... Read More that they wanted you to see it first.

I'm pretty sure God doesn't want us to play God, so why should insurance companies and hospitals and idealogues determine who lives and who dies?

On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place."

tough night with the wee lad

cutting a molar ... horrendous diaper rash brought on by antibiotics, a week where his schedule was very different bc his dad was out if town ... yeah, oskar let us know in no uncertain terms tonight that he was PISSED. totally pissed. and tired. with burning, sore skin no matter how I slathered on the diaper cream.

(on that topic, I usually take no issue with the store version brand of anything.... but the target brand of desitin SUCKS. just an FYI for anyone who cares.)

currently he's being danced around the living room by his daddy, which is good for not only the two of them, but me too. it's sweet to see and nice to be reminded that oskar is willing to take comfort from someone else after a week of intense mommy attachment.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

a day with family

so we met up at my kid sister's apartment complex today. also joining us was one of my older sisters and her four kids ... swimming, grilling hot dogs (go hebrew national!) and just hanging out.

at one point we were leaving the jacuzzi room and oskar was sitting in the floor, playing with some goggles. not wanting him to chew on them, I took them from his hand and gave him something else instead. that totally pissed him off and he pulled his usual "training to be 2" stunt -- forcefully pushing himself backward while sitting.

at home with carpeting this isn't usually an issue. in a room with ceramic floor tiles, it was a very big deal, as the back if his head slammed. it was so loud and I instantly picked him up as he screamed and I ran into a different room, feeling the back of his head for any blood, fractures, etc.

holy fuck. that's all I can think to say ... holy fuck. luckily my older sister is well-versed with what to do about head bumps -- 3 of her 4 kids are boys -- so she told me what to do (nurse immediately to calm him) and what to watch out for (puking, walking wobbly, uneven pupils, etc).

(thanks, aim!)

he calmed down really quickly and just nursed and nursed. i, however, wanted to puke. I kept thinking how should have expected him to do that, I should have let him hold the freaking goggles until we were safely standing.

once he was up and running around I excused myself to the bathroom and promptly cried my eyes out.

there is no end to the worry/guilt/pain when your kid is hurting. no end at all.

so so tired from today. must sleep

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

movies i wanna see...

How to Be
robert pattinson and his accent. yep, i'm there.

Shutter Island
the idea of mental hospitals intrigues me. who knew?

Surrogates
not my usual type of movie, but i dig bruce willis in some stuff. and he looks like a badass in this one.

Away We Go
*sighhhhh*

Zombieland
i should be more excited about this, but it just appears lackluster.

dental day

reason for visit (among others):
tooth broken to nearly nothing

fear of dentist: worried they will tell me I have the world's worst teeth.

verdict:
broken tooth (third from back lower jaw) beyond repair, remnants to be removed next Tuesday (at 100% coverage!)

other issues:
small cavity in lower back molar (100% coverage!)

down the road a bit:
crown on a different lower molar left (60%... boo)
crown on lowar molar right that could, if I wanted, have a bridge attached to fill the gap left by current broken tooth. or just leave that space open forever (not visible). or get an implant to fill space (pricey!).

who really gives a rat's arse about my
little dental laundry list??? no one except my brain, who is now happy bc it's on "paper" and therefore out of my head, and now I can nap.

then there is something else swimming around. neither here nor there, a nap might help that one, too.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

I need to make friends with a dentist ...

who wants to do free of charge work on my teeth out of the goodness of his/her heart.

any dentists wanna be friends? I'd be a GREAT before/after candidate!

please?????

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

another one? it's a Christmas miracle!

by "Christmas" I mean "late spring" and by "miracle" I mean ... actually that's pretty much the bestcword for it.

I'm feeling drab. like nothing of interest comes out of my brain to spew out as pearls of wisdom, wit or anything else starting with a w.

I feel like I am irritating to people. the things I say, the manner in which I react. and I so, so tire of feeling this way. I want to have days where I don't misinterpret a glance as a glare.

I can sort of summarize my thoughts right now as falling into the category of "aftermath." without getting too specific, it's been a challenging year on many fronts. and while I perform extraordinarily well under pressure (dun dun dun dadadun dun), I tend to melt down and fall to pieces after things settle down. I ignore my own well being for so long that when I come back to it, I don't know where the fuck to start.

2:23 am and need sleep. it's just time.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

my friend brent has started a blog...

and i know it'll be ass-kickin' great! just check out the early stages for yourself.

by god, i'm about to post a real post.

and it's bound to be a biggen, too!

i'm pondering how some days click, yet a few hours later it feels as though every little thing is conspiring to make you weep big fat crybaby tears (a look that i misinterpret as irritation combined with the cat's loud-ass meowing that is driving me nuts AND waking the oskar combined with everything else that nags at my innards).

and it's not one single event, that pushes you over the edge, it's juts a build-up of crapola.

i'm also pondering how i always get away from blogging b/c of some other internet distraction -- youtube, facebook, twitter -- but then i come crawling back to this blog like a filthy little cheater, and this blog always takes me back.

so now i return again, proverbial hat in hand, a sheepish look on my face. "will you take me back ... again?" i ask, waiting for a smackdown. but here i am, back again and typing my little fingers off. at least until oskar wakes up.

back to the evening of conspiratorial events/noises/thoughts/ideas/expressions. i know i take my medicine everyday to keep me even-keeled, yet it was just a night that i felt like i hadn't taken them. mix that with just a dash of what felt like day two of nicotine withdraw (mind you, it's been two and a half years) and you have a saucy little recipe for crazytown! wheee!

god, i missed this blog. i feel like much of the stagnant, overripe crap that's been sitting around in my brain like a clogged sinus passage has finally begun to leak out.

blogging = decongestant?

i like working out now, that's something new. not for the sake of getting into shape, weight loss, etc. (although that would be a nice bonus), it's for stress relief. and judging by my mood tonight, it's been too long since i've done it. when at home i use the nifty Wii Fit provided by my husband on my 34th birthday -- that's what i used tonight. when at the gym i use the elliptical machine (while watching Superbad/Firefly episodes/other Judd Apatow goodies on my iPhone).

well now i've become that person who talks about working out. yeah, that's exactly who i want to be.

note to self: workouts after 10p.m. might be a bad idea, considering i'm WIDE FREAKING AWAKE (albeit, in a much better mood).

time for solitaire.

an attempt at blogging ...

before oskar is in bed. he just tipped over. try again later.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

UPDATE:
he tipped over b/c he was walking around with his eyes squinted shut. not the smartest thing to try, but so, SO cute.

a sorta blog post

photobooth fun at jason and jaime's wedding!

we should have done this before oskar got so tired...

the amount of time I spend...

thinking about a haircut is pretty fucking ridiculous. it's just hair. I cut, it grows. why is it not that simple?

a few issues.

I am not a waif. I'm always afraid if I cut my hair, the rest of me will look bigger bc I'm out if balance somehow.

my hair is the perfect hiding place. it covers my face on the sides and gives me a sheltered feeling.

when you are a person with a bit of a damaged psyche, it's easy to look at changes and overthink them. and doubt them. and go back and forth again.

so really by issues are less about hair and more about my sometimes fucked up brain process.

I was on twitter and I types BPD into the search field. I came across a profile for a Dutch doctor who made a blog post about bpd and what they've learned over the past decade. a good read, and it's just got me thinking about my own brain. the last big episode I had was in oct of 07-- it was before bram died, and I remember walking around in the back of our place and smelling the damp fall air and trying like hell to keep my brain together. I was three months preg and horrified that my head would never quiet the fuck down.

then a day or two later I was in the same backyard area, on the phone with michelle davidson, sobbing intermittently while trying to wrap my head around the news of what had happened. I kept expecting my head to split open and go into a full-on episode. it never happened. and it hasn't since.

michelle told me that she used to have anxieties, and when bram left, it was as though he took them with him, as she hadn't had them since. I can't help but wonder if, in some way, he did the same for me.

or maybe that's how my brain copes with tragedy. or perhaps the death of someone close was something that my brain interpreted as "way fucking worse than anything else in childhood ever was," thus taking away the power from the horrible childhood shit that used to fuck up my life on a regular basis.

I also know that bpd has the tendency over time with therapy and medication to calm down. I think it has to do with age as a life-stabilizing factor, less turbulence in day to day life. I know that is true as well.

my thinking patterns are still much the same as they used to be. I've just changed in the ways I act on those thoughts. knee-jerk reactions still exist, they are just easier to keep at bay.

if icould afford it, I'd go back to school andgo into counseling for bpd cases. I think i'd be good at it.

now I need a nap.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

nin clips from nov. 25 concert

some clips from the show --- and if you don't like NIN or fantastic, amazing light shows, you'll be bored. (the audio is not the best, but trent kinda is.)

seventh grade and how it sucks.

my daughter is in seventh grade -- and with a couple of months left of school, the end of the year can't come soon enough, for her and for me. genetically she's got some of my stuff and that makes dealing with all the emotions and bullshit popularity/friendship/ girl backstabbing crap even tougher than normal.

my seventh grade year was marked by my first massive nervous breakdown. and who can forget the school counselor would couldn't recognize depression and just said i was out for attention and to skip class... ahh, the memories.

when you are depressed you can't stop crying, and not many people have sympathy for the kid who cries a lot. add that to the fact that i had an injury that kept me in a cast, on crutches but out of gym for many months, and people i had known for a long time (i even remember who this prick was, but won't mention a name here) would actually talk about me behind my back -- literally two feet behind my back, making fun of me, calling me a faker.

later in the school year the awesome and wonderful amy lein -- who i've known since i was 1.5 years old -- stood by me and helped me get past all the bullshit, all the little bastards who made that year miserable. we'd go to school dances -- even though i was on crutches, and we'd goof around and dance (and then a stupid girl i can recall right now mocked me for that) and at that point i resolved to switch to a different junior high.

fucking assholes in seventh grade.

however changing schools was the best thing i ever did. i met some amazing people there, people i'm still in touch with today and love as much as i ever did (you know who you are). and most of the people from seventh grade forgot about that year by the time i saw them again in ninth grade, but there is always one or two asshats who said "weren't you the girl who cried all the time at school?", to whom i'd reply "probably -- and clearly you are still the same idiot from seventh grade."

okay, end rant.

but i can't wait for this year to finish up. my girl needs a break.

dumb. stinky. dumb & stinky.

so today is the start of our burb's annual spring cleanup -- basically the city comes and picks up your big garbage (our old couch, etc.) for free. this results in two things:
1. scavengers looking for free stuff. mostly I've seen people putting out their broken stuff, stuff they would normally cost extra to be hauled away. and peoplehave been driving around the neighborhood all day, slowly checking out the piles for anything remotely decent. I was on a walk with oskar and it was creepy how two or three cars in a row would creep down the street, trailers in tow and already full ifother people's crap. occasionally you see the car that hit the jackpot -- a child-size playcar, a jogging stroller and patio furniture. but usually it's old bedframes, scrap wood and pieces of furniture that just need some lovin'.

2. this also means people are cleaning out the garage and unearthing bags of yard waste. some people like to burn the yard waste and give everyone within a mile of that a house that reeks of old campfire. and, if I had to make a guess, burning plastic.

............................

now it's several hours later since i first began this post.... I just joined a gym and am currently under a hair dryer at Fantastic Sam's, getting a super cheap conditioning treatment. not a bad morning at all.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

by god, I need to blog more.

so it's the end of the day. my big events included (but not limited to) getting an eye exam at costco (slight Rx change), buying olivesin bulk, napping for a loooooong time, and here I am at bedtime, waiting for the sleep.

I won't have to wait long -- I am exhausted.

in fact, I fell asleep right after that last sentence. I woke up a moment later to find my phone in my left hand, my right index finger poised and ready to type.

yep. time to sleep.

l

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

dear blog,

I know I've been away a long time. life with a new baby and juggling life's other things had been a bit crazy. I really have been meaning to stop by, but it's been, you know, busy.

I'm sorry, I know my excuses -- while valid -- don't mean much to you, but I promise, this time will be different.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

testing

just trying out some mobile blogging. as you were.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

awesome post on white whine...

Complaint #361 - Special 1990's Edition

“‘Hunger Strike’ is by Temple of the Dog, NOT Pearl Jam, Ugh.”

ode to dixie

not an ode at all, but just recalling some dixie-related thoughts on the eve of her departure. long story short, we have to give her up b/c her growling pattern with oskar is too scary and too persistent. she's over seven years old and while that is not "old" for a dog, her responses to a baby who is becoming more and more mobile are quite unnerving and won't get much better with age. so we're offering her up to be rehomed before she bites, b/c biting will remove any rehoming chance she has.

i'm sad. i'm sad thinking about the night i brought her home. how she and i regarded each other in the "get to know each other" room at the humane society. how she stayed by my side and seemed to look after me during the whole wedding fiasco a few years back. how she never left my side the week i was on the couch, crying over bram's death.

so i have a sob in my throat that i don't want to let out, because then i'll cry not be able to stop.

she's not the last dog we'll ever own, i'm sure, but overall she's been a great pet and i'll miss her more than you know.

breaking news on cnn....

"Barack Obama plans to act as early as his first week in office to shut the prison at Guantanamo Bay, two officials say."


RIGHT FUCKING ON! GO-BAMA!

eight months in eight minutes

still such an amazing video.

i haven't watched this video in a long time, but june's expression as she watches johnny still destroys me.

this just in!

(from henry rollins, upon seeing the photo of oskar getting his book from the shelf.)

oskar's reading material

i'm so proud.

xmas 2008

it's been so long...

but things are calmer. much calmer. yay for the wonders of medication! it was a really nice christmas and now it's 3:11 a.m. and oskar felt all sorts of not sleepy. so we're hanging out and i'm counting down until 4 a.m. when i know he'll be ready to go back to sleep... very soon. i am realizing that we have a TON of toys, and what's oskar playing with right now? a cardboard box.

sigh.

he is full-on crawling at top velocity, pulling himself up to standing against furniture and he will even attempt a no-hands standing position and succeed for about five seconds.

t-minus 30 days until walking, i predict. crazy.

maybe that was a little bit harsh.

but you have to understand how frustrating it is. we went to a school band concert the other night, and i know for a fact i wasn't the only one who felt... weird. like, all eyes were on us four parents. and not just because we have adorably cute babies.

maybe that was just paranoia -- us being worried that we were being studied by those around us. but it was creepy.

so i was harsh. but i'm in protective momma bear mode. i know my kid has caused some stress to those around her... but she's a victim in this, too. she didn't ask for a mood problem. she didn't do anything to bring it on. it happened. now we deal.

begin rant

this will not make sense to many (or a few) who read this, but it's basically some lint falling out of my brain that threatens to make my brain explode if i don't free the lint.

suffice it to say, we're dealing with some parenting/child issues, and i have a few things i want to get out. i became a parent at the age of 20/21 in an unplanned manner, but i chose to keep abagail in my life because i knew, i KNEW that i could raise her well. i also knew that there is no lifeguard at the gene pool and that, genetically speaking, she could take on some of my traits besides my childbearing hips (which she has avoided).

having said that, i resent people acting as though we are unaware of what is happening. my ex said it best by saying, "no shit, sherlock." i am a young mother. but i am not a stupid, unknowing mother. i am a mother who has seen what shit can happen. i am a mother who has done stupid things, and i am a mother who has survived. my mother is a mother who has survived. my daughter will survive all of this, too.

i am tired of people not having faith in my daughter, and acting as though this situation will NEVER resolve itself, when it's only been in repair mode for a couple of weeks. these are people who should fucking know better. and i know that some kids are uncomfortable and uneasy right now. boo hoo, i'm working on keeping my kid functional and alive, so you whiners can just eat it.

there's my rant. i only mean to be bitter a little bit, but as a mother who is fighting like hell to keep her child functional and simply OKAY, i get frustrated. who knew that it would be the school officials who were the compassionate ones????

f**king awesome

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... by Jack Black

good times 'round these parts.

this is pretty goddamned funny...

thanks for this, jege!

i'm so proud of my friends!

GOLD: Prologue (SD) from David Nett on Vimeo.

hmm... nov. 25... why should that date ring a bell with me...?

oh yeah. almost forgot.


Nine Inch Nails - Lights In The Sky 2008 tour ad from Nine Inch Nails on Vimeo.

video time, take two..

are you fucking kidding me?

i am absolutely...

... not functioning today. do you ever feel like your back is about to break (figuratively, not literally)? trying to anticipate problems and solve problems and no matter what you do, you are left cleaning up a mess??? (this is in no way relating to oskar's bodily functions.)

i'm just tired of being as strong as i have to be all the time. bah.

what i can't stop listening to...

Never Think by Rob Pattinson (from the movie Twilight). good stuff.

six months of the oskar

so, so proud.