just one of those days

when you are mentally ill and you are out in public, it's kind of like you are the walking dead; you are trying so hard not to be noticed, for no one to see that look on your face -- the look that shows you are being crushed from the inside out. but after a while of trying so hard not to be noticed, you honestly believe that you might be invisible; you begin to wonder: if i spoke, would i make any sound at all?

it's horrible having a job on days like these -- i suppose it's better for someone like me to be occupied rather than alone all day long, but it's pretty excruciating just sitting at a desk, literally counting down the hours until you can be back in the car and on the way home. i'm not kidding about the counting down, either -- i mark down the hours on a notepad on my desk starting at five hours...then it feels pretty good to just cross off each hour as it passes. or maybe it stretches out the day. i haven't completely decided yet. i'll keep you posted.

i'm now seeing proof that, no matter how pretty you may be, you can still be horribly stupid. what show can offer that? why, it's none other than Bravo's own Manhunt! these male models are not bright...and their model dates are actually just bitchy -- probably because none of them eat, they just chain smoke and say things like "no! i'm so fat! i won't eat another bite of sushi!"

then the girls take turns humoring the girl..."oh, you are not! you are sooo pretty! shut up! just eat!"

i suddenly feel a great deal better about myself.

this weekend i will be shopping for pants with the sister meg. it's time for a trip to ye olde navy for some clothings that has been assembled by people in a third-world country for poverty wages. i know, it's horrible that i shop there. however in this country we live in, i earn poverty wages, so there's my excuse. i can now sleep at night.

and i keep watching this effing show. and the boys -- although they look like they would be models and in magazine ads and are pretty in that sort of model way, none of them are interesting to look at -- a dime a dozen, really.

ooh! there is an "embedded model" in the group! sneaky bravo!