some thoughts.

i think of myself -- and have always thought of myself -- as broken, for the most part. i'm functional, clever, blah blah blah, but there are parts of me that will always be somewhat in pieces. and when you think of yourself in this manner, it makes the idea that you are capable of growing a complete person inside of you difficult to believe.

early on in my pregnancy with abbey, it was almost impossible to comprehend that anything healthy and beautiful could come from my tobacco-coated, prescription drug-laden, alcohol soaked and somewhat carved-up self. and i recall nursing her in bed when she was a few months old, and being so taken in by her. there was this small person, completely formed, no broken parts, and she had come from ME, of all places.

this feeling happened tonight. in bed, nursing oskar, and i remembered the sound of his heart when he was still in fetus stage. then i touched his chest to feel his heartbeat and i was mesmerized by his bones -- his rib cage, specifically. then i just studied him in disbelief. sure, this time around i was not tobacco-coated upon conceiving this baby, but still my usual, broken, in-pieces self... and here's the little boy with the correct numbers of digits, both eyes, no extra body part or tails of any type.

i don't say it often (mostly b/c i'm afraid i'm tempting fate and if i say it, it somehow opens the door for life to come in and kick me in the head), but i have a very, very good life. from all my fucked-up parts, all my neuroses and my flaws and my complications and issues and broken pieces, two completely amazing children have come into my life, as a result of my life. (not that i solely made them, but you know what i mean.) my very existence made them exist.

i can't wrap my head around that. but i know to say that i'm lucky is a complete understatement.