wha...? an actual blog post?

of course now that i've typed the post title, lil' Oskar has begun to stir. figures.
so what's new in my life? besides trying to master the skill of the double breast pump (damn near impossible with what i've got to work with), not a whole hell of a lot. i was going through a whole "which pill should i take?" situation when i finally resolved that going back on prozac is for the best. oskar is older now and can handle the wee dose i'm taking --- the benefits WAY outweigh any possible risk, so we're moving ahead with that.

fall is on the way here and although it is my favorite season, fall is usually riddled with all sorts of head problems for me -- but it seems like it will be less this year. it was kicking my ass last fall (as it usually does) and then bram died. that really changed EVERYTHING. it changed how i think about stuff, how i worry about stuff, how i feel about people and how i express to people how i feel about them. it put all that head shit on the back burner and now i feel like -- for the first time ever -- it's staying on the back burner. i know it's always going to be there, but that horrible crap is less important than everything else. that fucker gets no more of my life and no more of what little sanity remains in this grey matter of mine. (that's right, i spell it GREY, now GRAY. i also spell theatre with an RE. unless it's a movie theater. that's different. but i digress.)

so i'm re-medicated (b/c i found zoloft to be as useful as tic-tacs) and my anxieties are better already. never realized how i'm so uncomfortably close to being a hypochondriac. i had the aura migraine a few weeks ago and since then i was horribly obsessed with "what if another one comes" that i was making myself sick over it. then i was worried about my heart and cholesterol and basically anything that could that happen to the point where i was just a wreck. it's a little known bit that, while pregnant, i actually went to urgent care b/c i was having chest pains and freaking out that i was having a heart attack. irrational? completely. but that didn't make it any less scary.

dude, i need to sleep.

it feels nice to write again. more to come in the not-so distant future.