a little drinky

okay, i really, really like vodka spiked w/cranberry juice, mixed with actual cranberry juice and 7up. who knew 7up could give it that extra "zing?" dustin did. what a man.
my eyes are sleepy and i really would like to stay awake, but i fear it shan't happen. or shant. does that word require an apostrophe t? i think so. but i may be wrong. i am wrong oft.
today i had another "episode" of uncontrollable rage which led to dissociation. or was it doubling or splitting? all these words to describe a completely horrible experience. in short, i saw and heard everything that i said and did, but could not control any bit of it. i just sat, curled up with my knees to my chest, watching it from the inside out. i hate that this is who i am, and i hate that the person responsible will never be able to see what i have become because of his behavior. i hate that i can't have it go away forever and i hate that i feel like the only way i can stop it is to slice my skin open. i hate that i'm drunk and telling the whole effing world that i'm nuts and i hate that i don't know why it's happening again. and i hate that i don't know when it will happen next and i hate that it is still happening. i hate that i'm scared of it and i hate that i had to switch therapists b/c i don't want to start w/someone new with this going on. i hate that i smoked a cigarette and i hate that my patch felt not only itchy on my skin, but also that they seemed not to work. i'm a little bit filled with hate right now. i feel like a monster. i hate that feeling. i hate that dustin is witness to this craziness and i hate that my daughter will one dayh be ashamed of her crazy mother. and i hate that i'm sleepy and my eyes are closing. and i hate that alcohol makes me feel better.