lunchtime sans cigarettes

i've just eaten some of the least pleasant soup ever canned. it's one of those "healthy" brands ("healthy" meaning "lacking in flavor"), chicken, veggies and garlic. all that's left in the little bowl in some bland broth and the weird canned chicken chunks.
i wanted a better lunch for day 2 of not smoking. i wanted luscious fruits and vegetables, dense breads and gallons of juice...for dessert? strawberries dipped in that yummy cream cheese fruit dip. but i have the lame soup.
i'm sad.
i think before i could rationalize eating bad soup by saying "well at least i'll have a really enjoyable cigarette after the soup!"
today?
"well, at least i'll have....a piece of gum after the soup." and guess what...i'm not at that place where gum=better than cigarette. yesterday was edgy day. today is sad/irritable day...i can't WAIT to see what tomorrow brings!
i think my problem is that i don't really want to quit. i mean, i know i need to and it's not healthy etc etc etc, but i still WANT to smoke. however i don't think this is something that will ever really go away. i think i'll probably always want to smoke.
so instead of smoking tonight, i shall do another mile on ye olde elliptical machine that, until yesterday, was collecting a great deal of dust.
at least i picked the coldest damn week of the winter thus far to quit... word on the street (by "street" i mean "minnesota public radio") is that the gov. might cancel school tomorrow if it's dangerously cold as predicted. and i'd be okay with that. working and getting paychecks is good, but watching movies and reading all day with my daughter is better.
have listened to the "garden state" soundtrack for the gajillionth time today -- can't really get enough of it and sadly, that means in a week or so i shan't want to hear it for up to six months. i don't really know the meaning of moderation.
(confession: i do actually know the meaning of moderation, but in my previous sentence i was using that phrase as an exaggeration.)
ahh...sidenotes....another dandy excuse to italicize some words.