maybe it's the stress of the house situation getting to me. it just feels like one of those shite days (evenings, really) where even though i faithfully take my meds like a good little trooper, they don't do the trick. i feel like so much of my time is spent simply waiting for the other shoe to drop. and where the fuck did that phrase come from, anyway? (note to self: google "other shoe to drop" origin.)
i think i just want to rewire my brain at times and teach it how to respond rationally to situations, instead of assuming i'm going to be hit with catastrophe after catastrophe. hoping for the best but not only preparing for but expecting the worst. one thing sets in motion a whole snowball of crap and my mind just spins out of control. i'm just tired of my brain working this way, that's all. i'm tired of one thing in my life beginning to mend and then something else begins to unravel. the upside to my personality is that i have capacity to feel things so incredibly -- when i feel love it's amazing, when i feel empathy, when i have a flurry of wonderful emotions, i eat, sleep and breathe them. the downside of course is that the other end of the spectrum really kicks me in the ass. i don't just feel sad, i feel like my heart is actually breaking. that fear of never being able to stop crying is what keeps me from starting most days. when i feel angry it's so intense and so unlike who i think i am that i internalize it and blame myself for everything.
and i know i'm tough, and i know i can take whatever is tossed my way. i just want some days where i don't feel like i have to prepare myself for that. a day where i just ... exist and not worry about what ifs and blah blah blah blah blah.
time to watch "the 'burbs" and enjoy our nice spring thunderstorm.
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There are days when I hope no one will come near me because I fear I will either kill them or I will curl up in a ball and die. I can feel the chemicals coursing throiugh my veins and my brain. From experience I know what it is, so I just repeat to myself like a mantra, "This will end, this will end." And I want to huddle in a corner and bawl my eyes out.
Kari & goldennib, I totally feel your pain. I can't tell you how many times I've wished I was blissfully ignorant of mental illness, and able to be a normal, albeit vapid, person who just be-bops through life with sunshine streaming out of their ass. Sure, I would miss my creativity and occasional funny remarks, but sometimes it would just be so much easier.....
wv: geeber
Getting rid of the pain would mean also getting rid of the joy and there is no way I would want to give up the joy.
I love the Burbs I think I'll start chanting: satan is good, satan is your pal.
It's not just you, Kari. Many of us--perhaps most of us--feel that life is, at best, brittle.
I think that most people, whether they realize it or not, are one bad day away from completely freaking the fuck out.
But, hey, that's life. :-)
"... satan is good, satin is your pal ..."
"... most people, whether they realize it or not, are one bad day away from completely freaking the fuck out."
andy, you are so right.
dustin just mentioned that he actually owns the domain name of "satanisyourpal.com" and he has offered it up to the first taker.
i earlier commented that satin is your pal. i'll go with that. i'm a friend of both satan AND satin.
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