my year in review...

... let's see.

i'm just thinking about how fast time goes. it seems to crawl at times, and then suddenly it's dec. 31 and i'm faced with looking back at the 364 days prior to this one.

i feel like i was on autopilot during my duration at target, so everything up to leaving there is kind of a blur, for the exception of abbey-related events, birthdays, weddings and anniversaries. but for a general overview...

i found out i was pregnant this past year and have just a few days over four months until my due date.

i watched a lot of movies.

i quit smoking in march and will never smoke again.

i've discovered the joy of Family Guy.

my wonderful baby sister got married, and her husband is an amazing fella.

i got a job where i have more time to spend with my lovely kiddo and less time in an office cubicle.

i lost a best friend and i miss him every single day.

i have the most amazing friends and family in the world, and i hope that you all know how much i love you, how lost i'd be without you. even if you don't hear it from me everyday, please know that it's true.

i've cried more than i ever thought was possible.

i've eaten more mcdonald's cheeseburgers than i ever thought was possible. (damn it... one sounds good right now.)

.....

i guess that's what i've got for now. maybe i'll be more introspective after i eat my weight in cheesecake tonight.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

usually...

... dixie takes up half of our couch as her own personal bed. (see below... 1/2 couch taken by dog. under a blanket. but still really cute.)


and, if you have ever been around beagle-type dogs, you know that their fur actually weaves itself into couch cover fibers, thus making the thrice-daily lint rolling quite tedious.

this has all changed.

today i went to target, and although i usually skip the christmas decor aisle -- even when 75% off, as it was today -- i wanted to see if there were any chocolate goodies. lo and behold, there was a holiday dog bed... 75% off. and those beds are usually a pretty penny, which is why i hadn't bothered to buy one before. i brought it home.

she loves, LOVES it. it's as big as a couch cushion and really squishy and she prefers it to the couch.

all this happiness for only $8. nice.

we've also taken down our christmas tree -- and by removing this tree, we've realized that it takes up roughly 8,000 sq. feet of space in our living room. might need a smaller one next year.

saw The Orphanage today... if you have a way to get to it, do so. for real. very very good.

rented: Superbad (KICK ASS!), Jackass 2.5 (okay, but not their best work), and Halloween (Rob Zombie version... sorry Benito, had to see for myself).

at the beginning of Halloween i said outloud to dustin, "i'm going to try really hard to look at this as a completely separate movie, NOT a remake." i love the original. love it.

so did i love this as a completely separate movie? feh. it was fine. not great. *SPOILER ALERT* i guess i've seen so many movies where serial killers and psychopaths become that way b/c of their troubled childhood, i'd be more impressed by someone with a totally normal childhood who is just purely evil, if showing the childhood is necessary at all. it's scarier if they are just that way, not if they are "made" that way by their home life and school tauntings.

on one hand, the actor who played the grown-up michael myers in this new version was great b/c he was HUGE. seriously, a big, big man. i totally bought that this guy COULD take a lickin', appear to be dead, then be right back to kick more ass and slit more throats.

on the other hand (and here is where i am comparing it to the original), the first myers wasn't a tiny man or anything -- probably average height -- and maybe it was easy to believe that he was not just evil, but SUPER evil b/c no man of average height/weight could take that many bullets/stabbing with knitting needles/falling out of windows, just to come back for more only moments later. kind of a draw, in my opinion.

but it's always nice to see malcolm mcdowell. and the guy who played the sheriff was the same actor who played the scary guy in Exorcist III.

and, as expected, rob put in his wife --- who had a chance to show some acting more in this than in zombie's previous movies --- but still showed some T&A.

tonight's agenda? maybe a crossword puzzle or two... watch the extras on the Superbad dvd... very little.

here's the updated version of "Kari's Bored With Her Hair... So Here's An Idea for Bangs!" this may happen tomorrow. thoughts?

opinion....

should i get my bangs cut like this? or does my cowlick make this cut impossible?

ahh, pregnancy.

in addition to no longer having any balance (this proved by my inability to step in a teensy bit of water on the floor without falling, banging my knee and cutting my hand), i also have the tendency to vomit on occasion. and when you vomit with enough force, you break blood vessels in your face.... see?


lovely, no? and at work today everyone kept asking me if i had some sort of face injury (punched, fallen, etc.) and i had the GLORY of telling them, "no, it's from vomiting in a violent manner."

awesome.

congratulations to.....

my friend andy, who got married today! we all expect some photos posted now, andrew...

the death march of two early deadline weeks in a row is coming to a close.... THANK CHRIST. seriously. the week off between shifts is nice, this is true.. HOWEVER the loss of three of the four days usually spent on building eight papers is not worth it. at all. very glad to get things back to normal.

the husband is a bit sickly today, so this weekend holds the promise of watching the two very very very bad movies my lovely sister got for me.... GIGLI and GLITTER!

(i actually tried to post pictures of the movie covers, but BLOGGER REFUSED! even blogger knows they suck!)

wish me luck on surviving these films.... *gagging*

a long day, a long night to come, a longer day tomorrow

flew the abbers to meet up with her dad at her grandparents this morning... flew back to minneapolis a couple of hours later.

and after having several days in a row of bulk abbey time, i miss my girl a lot.

i am home now, awaiting files to drop so that i may build five of my eight newspapers tonight.... and then i'll finish them up and build the other three tomorrow. the week off between shifts IS NOT worth this march of crazytown, i tell you.

but here's quote of the night:

"i'm glad i have a lot of grenades, otherwise i'd be dead now."

(dustin, playing the Medal of Honor i put in his stocking.)

a few photos from christmas eve....

with her scooter at her side, abbey enjoys her nintendo ds.

dustin opening his new coffeemaker (that hopefully won't leak water all over our counter like our old one does).

ahhh... smell it working!

i love my nano!

i didn't think dixie would notice if she didn't have any presents... guess i was wrong...

the holidays: the perfect time for snidecards.

i'm notoriously bad at sending out christmas cards. i'll buy the cards, i'll write in the cards... but i never actually send the cards. this went on for years... but NOT this year. no sir! so in lieu of sending all of you fine people cards (or rather, in lieu of writing in cards and having them sit on my bookshelf for the next six months), i present to you a snidecard never before seen...



... and to all a good night!

the calm before the storm...

my work schedule is great -- fantastic, actually. but when the holidays come around it means early deadlines, which means instead of four days of work for the eight papers, there is just about 24 hours. yeah. the papers should be smaller than normal, but it's still going to be crunch time between thursday at 6 p.m. and friday at 6 p.m.

blech.

i know i'll do fine, but i just really wish it were already 6 p.m. on friday and i'd just be DONE with it. oh, and we have the same thing next week on account of the new year holiday.

double blech.

but the overtime is nice. and the time off with abbers? THE BEST.

"sweet dreams....

.... and fine machines in pieces on the ground."

two months, brammy. and i know i'm not the only one who misses you and thinks about you everyday.

let's see if i can do this without breaking down...

i've been trying to blog my bram story. it won't be extensive and all-detail providing, but it will offer up a small picture of how i met bram and how he became one of my best friends.

i knew bram in high school and envied his ability to look however he wanted and say whatever he wanted without caring what others thought. we were friends, but not super close or anything. when i went away to college my dad introduced me to some new-fangled technology called "electronic mail," and eventually gave bram my email address. we began writing emails and, if you know bram, sometimes they would have many words, but mostly they would have one or two words. our favorites became "bastardo" and "assweepay," to sound vulgar and fancy at the same time.

i left moorhead state in march of 1994 and on my first night back in minot bram picked me up in that little yellow car. it smelled like a combination of peach potpourri (he had little scented pebbles in his ashtray) and stale cigarette smoke, and the floor of the car was covered -- COVERED with paper and trash.... which was comfortable to me, b/c i'm a slob. seriously. i'm sure we went to perkins that night b/c that's pretty much what anyone under the age of 21 did in minot... perkins all night, coffee, chain-smoking and writing.

hanging out with bram became and everyday habit. he was just always around. when my parents would leave town, they'd have him stay with me to make sure i'd be safe and not get into any trouble. basically we'd sit around and watch either "benny and joon" or "when harry met sally."

"when harry met sally" became "our" movie. we learned every line from watching it so damn much, and eventually just went back and forth whenever we sat at perkins. and when i think of perkins now, i remember how bram would laugh at me when i'd flick my cigarette. actually, it was more of a "THWACK." he'd giggle and then imitate me.

i would go out with a guy and bram would be there to pick up the pieces after it would ALWAYS fall to shit. there were two boys i dated around that time and he took to calling them "boy 1" and "boy 2," to show that they were BOYS, therefore not worthy of my time.

middle of the night road trips to fargo. paying "leap frog" with cars on the highway. buying cloves at one world in moorhead. watching PCU. tequila nights. spam nights (every night). sitting up late and not talking, just reading and listening to tori amos.

naturally we developed a crush on each other, but the timing never really seemed right... even when we were both single and wanted to make it work, it was like there was a little something in each of us that held us back.

i think there was a part of him that liked the crazy i offered. however the romantic notion of a relationship with someone who has some issues (for instance, the characters of Sam and Joon in Benny & Joon...) is much different than the reality of it. i was a mess. i was at the beginning 0f a very, very long road of brain shit and i never believed that i was good for bram and proved this to him and everyone else time and again. but in all that time, he never ONCE scolded me when he should have, he never once blamed me for anything, even if i deserved it. (okay, not holding up so well now...) he cared for me unconditionally and taught me so much.

years later i would apologize for my bad behavior and he simply said "it doesn't matter. it's all good."

he got me through a pregnancy at a relatively early age. he got me through a divorce. he got me through a near-break-up two years ago. and i just hope i gave to him a SLIVER of what he gave to me.

(i'm full-on sobbing now. i should have expected this.)

i'm so angry that he's gone. i'm so angry that his voicemail is the only way i'll hear him again. i'm so angry that i didn't try harder to get back to minot in august when he wanted me to meet up with him. i'm so angry that he won't get to hang out with my son.

but i'm so, SO lucky i knew him. that we emailed in 1993. i'm so lucky that he taught me to just be okay with who i was and who i became. i'm so lucky he knew my daughter and that she remembers him and loves him. i think we're all so fortunate for having him on this earth, albeit too short a time. i'm so glad he knew i was having a baby. i'm so grateful that he found the love of his life.

i know all of us want to be able to push a "redo" button and go back two months in time -- two months and one week, and call him and say "go to the doctor! now! immediately!" i know all of us have to remind ourselves that this is real.

i know that, at some point, i'll be able to talk about him and think about him for more than five minutes without sobbing. but i think that day is a long time off.

dude, i've been TAGGED!

so andy, upon returning to blogland, tagged me with “8 Randoms.”

The rules:
1. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about himself or herself.
2. People who are tagged write a blog post about their own 8 random things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment and tell them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

well, here goes...
1. my favorite pregnancy food thus far is BACON. BACONY BACONY BACON.
2. i have four tattoos, and there's only one of them i plan on changing.
3. i love zombie movies. no seriously, i LOVE zombie movies.
4. i have a soft spot for Nick & Jessica's Newlyweds series.
5. i prefer the teletubbies over barney.
6. i don't have hate for wal-mart like i used to. i still think it has bad lighting and smells like chemicals, but i can shop there without loads of guilt... b/c ALL major discount/retail corporations are corrupt, even if it is trendy-cool to hate wal-mart. maybe i shop there b/c it IS trendy-cool to not shop there. hmm.
7. i hate putting away clean clothes after i wash them. it feels like a hassle.
8. i want to go to a salon and get a facial. i've never had one (unless you count when my mom sold mary kay cosmetics in the late '80s).

okay... who to tag???? i choose.... Dustin, Brian B., Jege, Sarah, Jason H., Jason W., Joe-Mammy and Joe K.! ready, set... GO!

my big task o' the day....

was to clean the bathroom and I DID IT!
now i can be completely lazy and feel no guilt. GO ME!

NOTE:

i want to see this. badly.

my recent purchase....

i bought pregnancy pants. and yes, there is a stretchy panel involved. actually, the panel goes ALL THE WAY AROUND the top part of the pants. so where there would normally be a button and belt loops? STRETCHY. stretchy goodness. (but they don't show the stretchy panel in the photo. and no, that's not a picture of me. i don't even have those shoes. nor are my nails that manicured.)

i'm also attempting to knit a blanket. i purchased circular knitting needles only to realize that they are tools of evil. i'm back to my regular needles... we'll see what happens (or who gets the needles in the eye first).

i'm sorting through the lovely bins o' baby stuff my sister passed along to me (thanks, aim!) -- it works well that it's mostly boy stuff and that we're actually having a boy. it's a TON of stuff for 12 months and later, so really i just have to acquire onesies. lots and lots of onesies, as the child will, no doubt, dirty at least six or seven per day. and i will have to acquire baby music as well.

and......

it's a boy!

photos from the homefront...

four out of five cats prefer sleeping on an ottoman.

what a fantastic face.

and look! she can even read!

did i say the ultrasound was next week?

why, i meant it's TOMORROW! THURSDAY! NOON!

so i shall update with any information pertaining to the fetus AND hopefully a photo AND... fingers crossed... if it's a boy or a girl!!!!!!

wheeeeeeeee!

today is my friday!

and because it's my friday, tonight i will watch movies -- namely "Waitress" and "Knocked Up." i was uber-efficient at work yesterday and this morning, so that means now i'm sorta just sittin' around until the last few stories are ready to be paginated.

i've discovered the most irritating pregnancy symptom thus far --- BLEEDING GUMS. that's right. usually when i brush my teeth they bleed for a variety of pregnancy-related reasons -- it's pretty common. however this morning i didn't have a chance to, so upon biting an apple on the way to work i felt a warm sensation in my mouth. that warm sensation? the pooling of blood. seriously. i looked vampiric. it was horrendous. i kept feeling around in my mouth to make sure i hadn't lost a tooth or something. nope, just my aggravated gum line compromised by the crisp apple.

too much information? oh come now, i've spoken of much worse things on this blog before. you should really expect it from me at this point.

i've still got my chronically stuffy/runny/sneezy nose that i've had since the get-go of this pregnancy and i'm fairly certain i've adequately grossed out everyone sitting by me when i blow my nose constantly. however they are sometimes very loud and i often hear things i wish i hadn't, so maybe this makes us even.

one week from tomorrow we'll know if it's a boy or a girl! hurrah!

my sad lunch.

i should never be allowed to multi-task when there are flames involved.



but i had enough cheese for ONE redo. my tummy is happy.

this was tough.

for bram's birthday i wanted to be able to watch When Harry Met Sally. i wasn't able to on tuesday b/c between work and life in general, i didn't have enough time to just... melt down. so i'm watching it today. and for a while i've been wanting to compile clips of this movie -- clips that really reminded me of bram. then i found that to be impossible... choosing just one or five or ten?

then i saw this scene. and it reminded me of a time bram that called me because i was going through a rough time -- just about 2 years ago. i found myself saying exactly one of sally's lines simply because of the situation that i was in and there was bram, picking up the very next line and we bantered the movie dialogue back and forth, just like the old days. my sobbing sort of merged into laughing. i can't even count the number of times in my life where bram was able to do that for me.

mabel loves her hat from mexico.

even though she looks angry, she LOVES the sombrero from meaghan and chris!

wednesday is the new saturday.

my work schedule is from saturday night through tuesday afternoon, so that makes wednesday -- today -- my saturday. so what have i done thus far on my saturday? i've cleaned the living room and done the dishes. i've blown my nose a gazillion times and played some electronic yahtzee.

i am putting off a task... this task is one that i HATE. it's easy, but i HATE it. i HATE putting away clean clothes after they've been laundered. in my bedroom i have FOUR, that's right, FOUR loads of clean clothes that need to find their way onto hangers and into drawers. but can i force myself to do it? hmm. not as of yet. i feel like i've already done so much around the house...now this??? shite.

okay, MAAAAAYBE i'm overreacting. i should just man-up, put on a movie and deal with laundry. and THEN i can reward myself with a nap. and more electronic yahtzee. and a nap.

we're also looking for a cheap-ass car to purchase. with dustin's new job and his schedule being much different from mine, we're finding that functioning with one and only one car is tricky. anyone want to get ride of a car on the cheap?

i love our christmas tree. i'm not big into holidays, but there is something completely soothing about a tree lit up at night. with no other lights on, it just feels like... home. does that make sense?

isn't that nice? plus it reflects off my floor in a manner that suggests i clean on a regular basis. sparkling clean, no? (in the dark, you can't see the dog hair as easily.)

okay, fine, FINE. stop hasseling me. i'll go put away laundry now. right NOW. i mean it. as soon as i grab a glass of soda, i'll be all over laundry-putting-away. you happy now? are ya?

instead of laundry and cleaning, i'm doing this...

i also think it's cool that on today, bram's birthday, the baby was moving most when Jude was playing.

happy birthday to my friend bram.

today's is bram's birthday. and i'm trying really hard not to think too much about it until after i get home from work, lest i should start sobbing uncontrollably and not be able to stop.

bram and i were never good at remembering each other's birthdays. it was usually one of those things that we'd mention after the fact, that was just our way. and now i can't stop thinking about it. and i'm trying really hard not to be sad about it, and just try to be happy that someone as fantastic as bram even existed on this earth.

happy birthday to one of my best friends ever. i miss you.

turkey day and after...

sarah and andy were our lovely hosts for turkey day... yes, we are parasites.

andy gets appetizers ready...

the picture of sophistication!!!



we hung our stockings... (abbey's is the cool one in the middle) ... we don't have a fireplace, so our big tv will have to be a substitute.

and today we got a big-ass tree for FREE off of craigslist...love it.

here it tis, all lit and pretty.



abbey did a little karaoke... (note the song is "super freak")



dustin's story of christmas:

what's scarier than a clown, but really hilarious to watch?

that would be the NATIONAL DOG SHOW that is on tv in a little over an hour. SERIOUSLY. i'm all over that.

what's scarier than a clown?

a marching band of NOTHING BUT CLOWNS. i'm pretty sure i had a nightmare like this once.

on the note of nightmares, i feel a cold sore coming on -- a downside of having an immune system dampened by pregnancy. and, as earlier mentioned, there is ONE store open. Walgreen's. and my usual $11 miracle cold sore cure is $20 there. which i'm just not willing to pay. so here it sit, my lip itchier than ... than.... something that is really itchy. see how itchy it is? i've lost my ability to make comparisons.

just saw a neighbor come home and unload some groceries... one thing she unloaded was a case of shitty beer. an OPEN case of shitty beer. and i'm fairly certain she was stumbling. WOW.

now i need to find some sandpaper to rub off my mouth. yes, it's that itchy. i am in hell.

my notes from the macy's parade...

i had to leave the house briefly to pick up a few things from the one store that is open today -- Walgreen's -- and SADLY i think i missed the performance from (and i can't believe this was an actual sentence the announcer spoke) the "hit musical 'Xanadu.'"

however, before leaving i did see a bit of the musical "legally blonde," whose star had dark roots, and a bit of "young frankenstein," which actually looked enjoyable. the big question... have i missed the stars from High School Musical? have i missed Menudo? we shall see...

regarding "black friday"... i don't usually take part in the 6 a.m. chaos, HOWEVER there are a few items the kiddo wants for christmas that are on super-duper sale tomorrow, so i think i'll brave the crowds around 8:30 a.m. during the 2-day sale at target. and if they run out of those items before i get there, i will make them pay.

okay, parade... Sesame Street cast is on now... who's still there from the humans? holy crap.. BOB? BOB is still around? and what is that lady's name... crap... SUSAN, that's her name.

now it's the jonas brothers. they are on the build-a-bear float. i think if they ever hoped to earn any street cred, that opportunity is now gone forever.

still to come.. wynonna judd. hmm. maybe it's time for that mid-morning nap.

final parade note: host meredith viera said, upon the arrival of Barbie's float, "Barbie has been inspiring girls all over to be whatever they want to be..." i guess that includes tall with a body that is not correct in it's proportions. well done, barbie, well done.

wait... THIS is the final note... MENUDO is still to come! eek!

it's turkey day....

and there is actually snow on the ground -- not a lot, but a light dusting is always nice to see. pregnancy is wreaking havoc on my body, sadly --- i'm suffering from the heartbreak of psoriasis, probably b/c a couple weeks ago i said "i've not had psoriasis since i was a smoker." that's how it gets you.

we'll be eating this afternoon at a friend's house, but for now, it's parade time.

the townhouse for terry!

Universal vs. YouTube and MySpace takes its first casualty: Nine Inch Nails

Trent Reznor describes how Universal's desperate, potentially devastating lawsuit against YouTube and MySpace has prevented him from launching an innovative new website: "We are challenged at the last second to find a way of bringing this idea to life without getting splashed by the urine as these media companies piss all over each other’s feet."

read more | digg story

maybe it's just a primus day...

song o' the day... awww hell, o' the week!

the crunchy bass of primus... sighhhh...

and what a shock this would be....

yeah, b/c we didn't see this coming from the white house....

what in the world....?

oh, that's a fetus i feel moving around! (this is the part where a pregnant lady feels like a pod for an alien. i'm merely a host...)

why i like pregnancy, part 1

pregnancy means being able to crave this for breakfast ...



and not having to apologize for it. from left you'll see a small slim jim snack, a package of grandma's limited edition iced lemon cookies, and 1/2 cucumber. i just ate the slim jim (my dog is now losing her shit trying to find the wrapper for it). i am currently cleansing the ol' palate with the cucumber, and i will finish with one of the cookies, saving the second cookie for after lunch. i'll wash down this snack with a glass of orange juice and will then watch x files until i fall asleep.

yesterday was laundry/mopping the floor/doing dishes day. this is my sunday, as i start my work week tomorrow afternoon. this is my day of rest. what would jesus do, you ask? if given the option, he'd eat a slim jim (a kosher one, of course).

CONGRATS TO DUSTIN!!!

my wonderful husband just got offered a great job! yay!

it's been one month and it still hasn't sunk in. i miss you, my friend.

our cat, little brother.

or, just brother, as we usually call him now. i think he's a little bit in love with me.

the search for a name continues on...

this week my favorite names are Henry and Lucy. the middle name, no matter which sex, will be bram. we'll have the ultrasound on dec. 12, and that'll be when we find out if it's a boy or a girl. wheeee!

congrats to my beautiful sister and her wonderful husband!

meaghan and her husband, chris. congrats, you crazy kids!

abbey and her auntie before the ceremony.

this is pretty boss.

and yes, this is the actual dustin/kari baby heartbeat.

*updated from joe mammy:
"if it starts to sound like 'Down in it' seek medical attention right away…"

update on the cranky

still a bit pissy today, even after getting more sleep. have used up the last of the legitimate kleenex due to my chronically runny/stuffy nose (side effect of pregnancy) and will now be forced to use toilet paper, unless i can get my carcass off the couch, into the car and to the store. we'll see.

used some of my pissy energy to clean the living room -- it's nice, but now i realize that i need a rug. a nice medium sized rug that will tie the room together. perhaps a trip to ikea is in order?

my dog refuses to sit other than on the couch if there is even an inch of free space. i've heard that placing mousetraps underneath newspaper will scare the dog off from using the couch. and i also am not here 24/7, so it's tough to instill in her the need for her to use a different place. ugh. beagles=difficult to train, more difficult to break bad habits.

i see a man across the street who is mowing his leaf-covered lawn while smoking. smoking in fall is nice. i know smoking is a bad habit and it took me forever and a day to quit, but still... if they can put people in space, couldn't they make healthy cigarettes???

maybe another nap is in order. growing a person can really take it out of you.

bleh.

woke up in a bad mood. no real reason, no bad dreams or anything, just cranky. feel like driving and driving and driving. and then when i get there, eating a cheeseburger happy meal. then driving some more. feh. i'm anxiously awaiting this bad mood to turn into a bad mood with energy so that if i'm cranky, at least i'll get some cleaning done.

i should be in a good mood on account of the tori amos show i get to see tonight from EIGHTH ROW (thanks, jodi!), but for right this second, at 5:47 a.m., i'm just cranky. maybe i just need more sleep, but now i'm too cranky to sleep. sighhhhh... missing the days of nyquil and a straw.

blah.

song o' the day...

"Landslide" covered by Smashing Pumpkins. it's just lovely.

i waited too long to eat.

so with this whole pregnancy thing i'm learning fast that, the MOMENT i feel hungry, i need to eat. right. that. second. and i have about a five-minute window in which to arrange food.

what happens if i don't do this? well, my blood sugar PLUMMETS and i get nauseaus as hell and then when food appears, i eat but then i feel like throwing up for the next half hour... at least.

and why, if i know this fact, did i wait longer than five minutes after i realized i was hungry? because i'm just stupid. clearly that is the only explanation.

i've not really gained much weight -- maybe a pound or so -- thus far. i have, however, watched my weight reassign itself... SHIFT, if you will ... down to my abdomen. and, being a "girl of larger proportions" to begin with, i really only need to gain 15 pounds or so. and at least half of that will ultimately be baby.

when my mom was pregnant with me, i was three weeks past my due date. seriously. due date of april 21, birth date of may 9. after having been in the proverbial oven for that long, i was birthed out at a hefty ELEVEN pounds. 11. that's a BIG BABY. this is the fear that urged me to induce abbey a few days before her actual due date and she was still 8 pounds even. SO i may give birth to a giant. i'm just sayin'.

ready for sleep. i forgot to turn the clocks back last night -- which is sad, b/c it's my favorite time to be able to get an extra hour of sleep. this morning i had to pick up my madre from the train station at 7 a.m. AND what do you think happened?

that's right...i arrived to a train station that was still closed -- which, if you've ever been to a train station, you know that they are rarely closed. i looked around, there were other people in their cars, awaiting the opening of the doors. i waited in my car, wondering what in the hell was going on. finally i walked up to the doors and looked inside to see an employee changing the clocks back one hour. i stared and then...

"OH FUCK."

i had NOT arrived at 7, but at 6. SIX. one full hour before i need to be there. which means that i left my house BEFORE SIX. roughly 5:45 a.m.

and it's not like in minot where, if you get to the station and you are early, you can jaunt back home in five, maybe ten minutes, and go back to sleep for another 45 minutes. NO. here it would have taken me a good 20 minutes to get back home and by then i'd just have to leave again.

long (and horribly boring) story short: i'm tired. i woke up REALLY EARLY and think it's time for bedfordshire. plus my dog is whining and irritating me, so it's a good time, i think, to bow out and hide in the bedroom with the crossword puzzle book.

[it's been three weeks, bram... i'm still in disbelief.]

The Real Me.

props to jason wood for this goodie!

i haven't watched the whole thing...

it's pretty lengthy, but just check out the opening credits.

my recent viewing pleasure...

"Wrong Turn 2 .... exactly the premise you expect (and really it's not so much a "wrong turn" as "really poor decision to be in that particular location.") HOWEVER it stars HENRY FREAKING ROLLINS and he kicks such ass.

FIDO ... love it. a zombie movie with heart, folks. (literally and figuratively speaking, of course.)

favorite phrase of the day

"i was raised in a wolf's den of intense, unbridled sarcasm."

thanks for that, jege!

why i want to learn how to cross stitch.

THIS IS WHY.

first of all...

... how in the hell does a nickelback song even get into my head in the middle of the night, let alone be stuck in there enough taunt me when i wake up?

secondly, i have photos.

dixie hides her head under pillows to sleep. she's awesome that way.

here's the big-ass caged beast at the Trail of Terror -- there's a strobe light going on, so the picture didn't work so well... but you get the idea. i'm pretty sure that is what dick cheney looks like on the inside.

the real horror at the Trail of Terror? having to use the porta-potties, like sarah did.

my lil' own sith lord, Abbey Vadar. (notice the toes sticking out from her pants. adorable).

and because my kid is such an AWESOME SITH LORD, she got a fantastic halloween candy haul. seriously, LOOK AT THAT! momma's so proud... (and hungry...)

i don't even know what the hell this is, but i like how you can really see the belly.

trying to find some sort of comfort or peace or relief in this unbearable place
turn back the clock turn back the clock turn back the clock
saying it won't make it happen
saying it over and over makes it worse
makes me feel like a child, foolish and out of control
hoping to regain this missing piece of me
feeling your presence in your absence confuses me
makes me cry makes me sob in the car in the store
you never yelled you never criticized you never blamed
even when you should have
and the past is in the past but this is still so here
and my fingers type mindlessly and my pen writes without pause
but nothing comes out that makes this better that makes this anything but reality.

post number one thousand, five hundred and forty...

... i'm sitting in my sister's basement and witnessing my brother in law and my husband battling it out in halo 3. it's mostly quiet for the occasional "you're still alive? impossible!" and things of that nature.

today is my friday, so i'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and being lazy. oh yeah, AND doing dishes and laundry. b/c that's awesome.

the top of my foot itches. it confuses me b/c if i really itch it, it both tickles AND hurts. if i do nothing, it might actually drive me to madness. what's a girl to do?

i just purchased shoes recently for a nifty buy one, get one deal and have since made the mistake of wearing the lovely maryjanes without socks. this is going to cause the shoes to ... well, to put it bluntly, smell like dog. and i suspect that the itch of the top of the foot is caused from the maryjaney strap across it, but if i remove the shoes, the whole world (husband, brother in law) will have to deal with the sockless shoe choice i have made. i cannot bear to do that. i fear only a scrubbing in the style of Silkwood will heal my feet.

what's that? i'm talking only of the ridiculous? the lame? the pointless? i feel like i need a little bit of that right now. or maybe i should just talk about what is on my mind.

two and a half weeks ago, i didn't really believe in an afterlife. if people die, that's it. maybe it's a belief out of necessity now, but it has changed since bram's death. i can no longer accept that people are just ... GONE. it's going against everything i believed before this, but there have been just these little things that i won't go into now... but just a feeling here and there that he's not just gone. little reminders, little... signs, if you will.

in the last few weeks my older sister has had two of her classmates pass away and after she found out about each one, a song came onto the radio that was completely indicative of the time she spent with them. coincidence? maybe. maybe these things do just happen. maybe during a moment of sobbing in my car it just so happened that the two very songs i associate with bram more than any others songs in this entire world play one after the other.

maybe it seems naive. maybe i'm looking too hard for something. maybe it seems like a childish way to handle it. but whether these things mean something more or are just mere coincidence, i don't think it matters. if it offers me even a sliver of comfort, i'll take it.

but don't you think that if there was ANYONE in this world that would be able to go from life into some sort of energy that is near to us, wouldn't that person be bram???

dear god...

... if you are there, please make the fellow sitting behind me who wears far too much cologne step into a torrential rainstorm to cleanse off what i can only assume to be Sex Panther.

thank you.

... it is lonely here...

... but not alone.

for those of you who don't know...

bram's wife has been updating his two blogs. you can find one here and the other here.
here's a few pics i dug up..


bram wearing an "i'm quitting today" sticker, ready to light up.

me and bram at a party at patrick's house.

bram and that hat.

a sample of our party...

is that meg and chris? nope, it's Holly Golightly and Mr. Varjak!

Mr. Varjak and my husband, the father of my unborn child, the terrorist.

sharon, laura, sean and the notorious MB.

i made cupcakes that look like rodents. it's my way.

me (an impregnanted Sally) and benito.

terrorist dustin (from Mattell!), impregnanted Sally (see the bump?) and Holly Golightly.

the happy expectant couple, Brandeen and Terry.

that wig just got itchy after a while.