i've been...

... tied to my email account all day. while doing other things i'm constantly checking to see if there is any news, when really i need to realize there isn't going to be anything i don't already know.

it's as though i keep checking it in the hopes that it will say "JUST KIDDING" or "IT WAS A MISTAKE" or "THIS WHOLE DAY WAS JUST ONE LONG, HORRIBLE FUCKING NIGHTMARE."

and i know this is not the truth, but i still hit the "refresh" button on my browser, because just maybe, JUST MAYBE my wishful thinking will pay off and i'll know that one of the best people to ever walk this planet will still be here.

and i know i'm not the only one grieving -- the fact that there are so many of us who are missing him so much really says something about him as a person. that doesn't make it any easier to breathe when i think about never seeing him again, but it does make me realize how very lucky i was to call him my friend.