Tuesday, August 26, 2008
update...
life is calming down a little bit after a pretty nutso two days. calm is good. i like calm. so yes, crystal, things are okay now.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
some thoughts.
i think of myself -- and have always thought of myself -- as broken, for the most part. i'm functional, clever, blah blah blah, but there are parts of me that will always be somewhat in pieces. and when you think of yourself in this manner, it makes the idea that you are capable of growing a complete person inside of you difficult to believe.
early on in my pregnancy with abbey, it was almost impossible to comprehend that anything healthy and beautiful could come from my tobacco-coated, prescription drug-laden, alcohol soaked and somewhat carved-up self. and i recall nursing her in bed when she was a few months old, and being so taken in by her. there was this small person, completely formed, no broken parts, and she had come from ME, of all places.
this feeling happened tonight. in bed, nursing oskar, and i remembered the sound of his heart when he was still in fetus stage. then i touched his chest to feel his heartbeat and i was mesmerized by his bones -- his rib cage, specifically. then i just studied him in disbelief. sure, this time around i was not tobacco-coated upon conceiving this baby, but still my usual, broken, in-pieces self... and here's the little boy with the correct numbers of digits, both eyes, no extra body part or tails of any type.
i don't say it often (mostly b/c i'm afraid i'm tempting fate and if i say it, it somehow opens the door for life to come in and kick me in the head), but i have a very, very good life. from all my fucked-up parts, all my neuroses and my flaws and my complications and issues and broken pieces, two completely amazing children have come into my life, as a result of my life. (not that i solely made them, but you know what i mean.) my very existence made them exist.
i can't wrap my head around that. but i know to say that i'm lucky is a complete understatement.
early on in my pregnancy with abbey, it was almost impossible to comprehend that anything healthy and beautiful could come from my tobacco-coated, prescription drug-laden, alcohol soaked and somewhat carved-up self. and i recall nursing her in bed when she was a few months old, and being so taken in by her. there was this small person, completely formed, no broken parts, and she had come from ME, of all places.
this feeling happened tonight. in bed, nursing oskar, and i remembered the sound of his heart when he was still in fetus stage. then i touched his chest to feel his heartbeat and i was mesmerized by his bones -- his rib cage, specifically. then i just studied him in disbelief. sure, this time around i was not tobacco-coated upon conceiving this baby, but still my usual, broken, in-pieces self... and here's the little boy with the correct numbers of digits, both eyes, no extra body part or tails of any type.
i don't say it often (mostly b/c i'm afraid i'm tempting fate and if i say it, it somehow opens the door for life to come in and kick me in the head), but i have a very, very good life. from all my fucked-up parts, all my neuroses and my flaws and my complications and issues and broken pieces, two completely amazing children have come into my life, as a result of my life. (not that i solely made them, but you know what i mean.) my very existence made them exist.
i can't wrap my head around that. but i know to say that i'm lucky is a complete understatement.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
wha...? an actual blog post?
of course now that i've typed the post title, lil' Oskar has begun to stir. figures.
so what's new in my life? besides trying to master the skill of the double breast pump (damn near impossible with what i've got to work with), not a whole hell of a lot. i was going through a whole "which pill should i take?" situation when i finally resolved that going back on prozac is for the best. oskar is older now and can handle the wee dose i'm taking --- the benefits WAY outweigh any possible risk, so we're moving ahead with that.
fall is on the way here and although it is my favorite season, fall is usually riddled with all sorts of head problems for me -- but it seems like it will be less this year. it was kicking my ass last fall (as it usually does) and then bram died. that really changed EVERYTHING. it changed how i think about stuff, how i worry about stuff, how i feel about people and how i express to people how i feel about them. it put all that head shit on the back burner and now i feel like -- for the first time ever -- it's staying on the back burner. i know it's always going to be there, but that horrible crap is less important than everything else. that fucker gets no more of my life and no more of what little sanity remains in this grey matter of mine. (that's right, i spell it GREY, now GRAY. i also spell theatre with an RE. unless it's a movie theater. that's different. but i digress.)
so i'm re-medicated (b/c i found zoloft to be as useful as tic-tacs) and my anxieties are better already. never realized how i'm so uncomfortably close to being a hypochondriac. i had the aura migraine a few weeks ago and since then i was horribly obsessed with "what if another one comes" that i was making myself sick over it. then i was worried about my heart and cholesterol and basically anything that could that happen to the point where i was just a wreck. it's a little known bit that, while pregnant, i actually went to urgent care b/c i was having chest pains and freaking out that i was having a heart attack. irrational? completely. but that didn't make it any less scary.
dude, i need to sleep.
it feels nice to write again. more to come in the not-so distant future.
so what's new in my life? besides trying to master the skill of the double breast pump (damn near impossible with what i've got to work with), not a whole hell of a lot. i was going through a whole "which pill should i take?" situation when i finally resolved that going back on prozac is for the best. oskar is older now and can handle the wee dose i'm taking --- the benefits WAY outweigh any possible risk, so we're moving ahead with that.
fall is on the way here and although it is my favorite season, fall is usually riddled with all sorts of head problems for me -- but it seems like it will be less this year. it was kicking my ass last fall (as it usually does) and then bram died. that really changed EVERYTHING. it changed how i think about stuff, how i worry about stuff, how i feel about people and how i express to people how i feel about them. it put all that head shit on the back burner and now i feel like -- for the first time ever -- it's staying on the back burner. i know it's always going to be there, but that horrible crap is less important than everything else. that fucker gets no more of my life and no more of what little sanity remains in this grey matter of mine. (that's right, i spell it GREY, now GRAY. i also spell theatre with an RE. unless it's a movie theater. that's different. but i digress.)
so i'm re-medicated (b/c i found zoloft to be as useful as tic-tacs) and my anxieties are better already. never realized how i'm so uncomfortably close to being a hypochondriac. i had the aura migraine a few weeks ago and since then i was horribly obsessed with "what if another one comes" that i was making myself sick over it. then i was worried about my heart and cholesterol and basically anything that could that happen to the point where i was just a wreck. it's a little known bit that, while pregnant, i actually went to urgent care b/c i was having chest pains and freaking out that i was having a heart attack. irrational? completely. but that didn't make it any less scary.
dude, i need to sleep.
it feels nice to write again. more to come in the not-so distant future.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Friday, August 01, 2008
stupid summer colds!!!!
from nin.com:
"8.01.2008: NIN Minneapolis show at Target Center postponed to November 25th
The concert is being rescheduled for Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 at Target Center. All tickets purchased for the August 2nd concert will be honored on the new date. For those unable to attend the rescheduled date of November 25th, a refund will be available at original point of purchase.
Thank you very much for your understanding."
*tear*
"8.01.2008: NIN Minneapolis show at Target Center postponed to November 25th
We regret to announce that due to illness, the Minneapolis show originally scheduled for Saturday, August 2nd at the Target Center has been postponed due to illness. The band is sincerely sorry for the last minute announcement, but after receiving doctor's orders not to perform, Trent has reluctantly agreed to the postponement.
The concert is being rescheduled for Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 at Target Center. All tickets purchased for the August 2nd concert will be honored on the new date. For those unable to attend the rescheduled date of November 25th, a refund will be available at original point of purchase.
Thank you very much for your understanding."
*tear*
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