ashley wrote a post that made me think about how i see myself. i know that i, along with countless others, have measured our own self-worth by how much we weigh, if we fit into that certan size, etc. there was a time that i thought i didn't deserve certain boys simply b/c i didn't think i was "hot" enough to be with them.
and those thoughts still haunt me to a certain extent. yes, i'm glad i've lost some weight recently, but i'm well aware that the manner in which i did it was not in the most healthy way (i.e., feeling like your heart has been ripped to shit will take away your appetite). and i would never ask for that again. however i don't think this weight loss has made me a better, smarter, more interesting person. even in my svelte high school days, i yearned to be smaller, prettier, more waif-ish.
you know what? i've NEVER been a waif. i'm NEVER going to be a waif. i'm nearly five foot eleven. i don't weigh 115 pounds (i may feel okay with myself, but i still don't disclose weight. see how i am?). in short, i'm never going to be a hardbodied sexpot hottie. but i reckon i'll be just fine with that.
losing weight -- for me-- reduces the risks of all those bad things that are so freakishly predominant in my family (you'd think we'd all been exposed to radioactive toxic waste).
but i'm always very, very careful about how i talk about it around my kiddo, because there doesn't need to be another girl in this world brought up to think she's not thin enough.
fuck that shit.
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2 comments:
Hells yeah my dear! And just for the record, you are a hottie with a dazzling intellect to boot--a damned fine combination :)
I've been thinking for quite a while how I need to watch myself big time around munchkin-to-be, especially since it's likely to be a little she-munchkin. This prego thing is really offering a new perspective on the whole issue.
I am reading a good book called "Self esteem comes in all sizes" , and it should be required reading for EVERYONE, fat or thin. I am not a self-help book reader, but this book kicks some serious ass, and I wish it could be introduced as a required textbook beginning in Jr. High.
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