congrats to my beautiful sister and her wonderful husband!

meaghan and her husband, chris. congrats, you crazy kids!

abbey and her auntie before the ceremony.

this is pretty boss.

and yes, this is the actual dustin/kari baby heartbeat.

*updated from joe mammy:
"if it starts to sound like 'Down in it' seek medical attention right away…"

update on the cranky

still a bit pissy today, even after getting more sleep. have used up the last of the legitimate kleenex due to my chronically runny/stuffy nose (side effect of pregnancy) and will now be forced to use toilet paper, unless i can get my carcass off the couch, into the car and to the store. we'll see.

used some of my pissy energy to clean the living room -- it's nice, but now i realize that i need a rug. a nice medium sized rug that will tie the room together. perhaps a trip to ikea is in order?

my dog refuses to sit other than on the couch if there is even an inch of free space. i've heard that placing mousetraps underneath newspaper will scare the dog off from using the couch. and i also am not here 24/7, so it's tough to instill in her the need for her to use a different place. ugh. beagles=difficult to train, more difficult to break bad habits.

i see a man across the street who is mowing his leaf-covered lawn while smoking. smoking in fall is nice. i know smoking is a bad habit and it took me forever and a day to quit, but still... if they can put people in space, couldn't they make healthy cigarettes???

maybe another nap is in order. growing a person can really take it out of you.

bleh.

woke up in a bad mood. no real reason, no bad dreams or anything, just cranky. feel like driving and driving and driving. and then when i get there, eating a cheeseburger happy meal. then driving some more. feh. i'm anxiously awaiting this bad mood to turn into a bad mood with energy so that if i'm cranky, at least i'll get some cleaning done.

i should be in a good mood on account of the tori amos show i get to see tonight from EIGHTH ROW (thanks, jodi!), but for right this second, at 5:47 a.m., i'm just cranky. maybe i just need more sleep, but now i'm too cranky to sleep. sighhhhh... missing the days of nyquil and a straw.

blah.

song o' the day...

"Landslide" covered by Smashing Pumpkins. it's just lovely.

i waited too long to eat.

so with this whole pregnancy thing i'm learning fast that, the MOMENT i feel hungry, i need to eat. right. that. second. and i have about a five-minute window in which to arrange food.

what happens if i don't do this? well, my blood sugar PLUMMETS and i get nauseaus as hell and then when food appears, i eat but then i feel like throwing up for the next half hour... at least.

and why, if i know this fact, did i wait longer than five minutes after i realized i was hungry? because i'm just stupid. clearly that is the only explanation.

i've not really gained much weight -- maybe a pound or so -- thus far. i have, however, watched my weight reassign itself... SHIFT, if you will ... down to my abdomen. and, being a "girl of larger proportions" to begin with, i really only need to gain 15 pounds or so. and at least half of that will ultimately be baby.

when my mom was pregnant with me, i was three weeks past my due date. seriously. due date of april 21, birth date of may 9. after having been in the proverbial oven for that long, i was birthed out at a hefty ELEVEN pounds. 11. that's a BIG BABY. this is the fear that urged me to induce abbey a few days before her actual due date and she was still 8 pounds even. SO i may give birth to a giant. i'm just sayin'.

ready for sleep. i forgot to turn the clocks back last night -- which is sad, b/c it's my favorite time to be able to get an extra hour of sleep. this morning i had to pick up my madre from the train station at 7 a.m. AND what do you think happened?

that's right...i arrived to a train station that was still closed -- which, if you've ever been to a train station, you know that they are rarely closed. i looked around, there were other people in their cars, awaiting the opening of the doors. i waited in my car, wondering what in the hell was going on. finally i walked up to the doors and looked inside to see an employee changing the clocks back one hour. i stared and then...

"OH FUCK."

i had NOT arrived at 7, but at 6. SIX. one full hour before i need to be there. which means that i left my house BEFORE SIX. roughly 5:45 a.m.

and it's not like in minot where, if you get to the station and you are early, you can jaunt back home in five, maybe ten minutes, and go back to sleep for another 45 minutes. NO. here it would have taken me a good 20 minutes to get back home and by then i'd just have to leave again.

long (and horribly boring) story short: i'm tired. i woke up REALLY EARLY and think it's time for bedfordshire. plus my dog is whining and irritating me, so it's a good time, i think, to bow out and hide in the bedroom with the crossword puzzle book.

[it's been three weeks, bram... i'm still in disbelief.]

The Real Me.

props to jason wood for this goodie!

i haven't watched the whole thing...

it's pretty lengthy, but just check out the opening credits.

my recent viewing pleasure...

"Wrong Turn 2 .... exactly the premise you expect (and really it's not so much a "wrong turn" as "really poor decision to be in that particular location.") HOWEVER it stars HENRY FREAKING ROLLINS and he kicks such ass.

FIDO ... love it. a zombie movie with heart, folks. (literally and figuratively speaking, of course.)

favorite phrase of the day

"i was raised in a wolf's den of intense, unbridled sarcasm."

thanks for that, jege!

why i want to learn how to cross stitch.

THIS IS WHY.

first of all...

... how in the hell does a nickelback song even get into my head in the middle of the night, let alone be stuck in there enough taunt me when i wake up?

secondly, i have photos.

dixie hides her head under pillows to sleep. she's awesome that way.

here's the big-ass caged beast at the Trail of Terror -- there's a strobe light going on, so the picture didn't work so well... but you get the idea. i'm pretty sure that is what dick cheney looks like on the inside.

the real horror at the Trail of Terror? having to use the porta-potties, like sarah did.

my lil' own sith lord, Abbey Vadar. (notice the toes sticking out from her pants. adorable).

and because my kid is such an AWESOME SITH LORD, she got a fantastic halloween candy haul. seriously, LOOK AT THAT! momma's so proud... (and hungry...)

i don't even know what the hell this is, but i like how you can really see the belly.

trying to find some sort of comfort or peace or relief in this unbearable place
turn back the clock turn back the clock turn back the clock
saying it won't make it happen
saying it over and over makes it worse
makes me feel like a child, foolish and out of control
hoping to regain this missing piece of me
feeling your presence in your absence confuses me
makes me cry makes me sob in the car in the store
you never yelled you never criticized you never blamed
even when you should have
and the past is in the past but this is still so here
and my fingers type mindlessly and my pen writes without pause
but nothing comes out that makes this better that makes this anything but reality.

post number one thousand, five hundred and forty...

... i'm sitting in my sister's basement and witnessing my brother in law and my husband battling it out in halo 3. it's mostly quiet for the occasional "you're still alive? impossible!" and things of that nature.

today is my friday, so i'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and being lazy. oh yeah, AND doing dishes and laundry. b/c that's awesome.

the top of my foot itches. it confuses me b/c if i really itch it, it both tickles AND hurts. if i do nothing, it might actually drive me to madness. what's a girl to do?

i just purchased shoes recently for a nifty buy one, get one deal and have since made the mistake of wearing the lovely maryjanes without socks. this is going to cause the shoes to ... well, to put it bluntly, smell like dog. and i suspect that the itch of the top of the foot is caused from the maryjaney strap across it, but if i remove the shoes, the whole world (husband, brother in law) will have to deal with the sockless shoe choice i have made. i cannot bear to do that. i fear only a scrubbing in the style of Silkwood will heal my feet.

what's that? i'm talking only of the ridiculous? the lame? the pointless? i feel like i need a little bit of that right now. or maybe i should just talk about what is on my mind.

two and a half weeks ago, i didn't really believe in an afterlife. if people die, that's it. maybe it's a belief out of necessity now, but it has changed since bram's death. i can no longer accept that people are just ... GONE. it's going against everything i believed before this, but there have been just these little things that i won't go into now... but just a feeling here and there that he's not just gone. little reminders, little... signs, if you will.

in the last few weeks my older sister has had two of her classmates pass away and after she found out about each one, a song came onto the radio that was completely indicative of the time she spent with them. coincidence? maybe. maybe these things do just happen. maybe during a moment of sobbing in my car it just so happened that the two very songs i associate with bram more than any others songs in this entire world play one after the other.

maybe it seems naive. maybe i'm looking too hard for something. maybe it seems like a childish way to handle it. but whether these things mean something more or are just mere coincidence, i don't think it matters. if it offers me even a sliver of comfort, i'll take it.

but don't you think that if there was ANYONE in this world that would be able to go from life into some sort of energy that is near to us, wouldn't that person be bram???

dear god...

... if you are there, please make the fellow sitting behind me who wears far too much cologne step into a torrential rainstorm to cleanse off what i can only assume to be Sex Panther.

thank you.

... it is lonely here...

... but not alone.

for those of you who don't know...

bram's wife has been updating his two blogs. you can find one here and the other here.
here's a few pics i dug up..


bram wearing an "i'm quitting today" sticker, ready to light up.

me and bram at a party at patrick's house.

bram and that hat.

a sample of our party...

is that meg and chris? nope, it's Holly Golightly and Mr. Varjak!

Mr. Varjak and my husband, the father of my unborn child, the terrorist.

sharon, laura, sean and the notorious MB.

i made cupcakes that look like rodents. it's my way.

me (an impregnanted Sally) and benito.

terrorist dustin (from Mattell!), impregnanted Sally (see the bump?) and Holly Golightly.

the happy expectant couple, Brandeen and Terry.

that wig just got itchy after a while.

props to jegecita...

for this wonderful quote that somehow applies perfectly to bram:

"maybe he was the way he was - you know, twice as good as most people, so important to so many - because he was only gonna be here for half his lifespan. The cosmos sort of squished, or "concentrated" his essential Bram-ness into just 33 short years. I was thinking of frozen orange juice concentrate while typing this analogy....Bram as sort of an undiluted orange juice concentrate, when so many other people are just watered-down......"

it's so true.

*UPDATED*
bram would tell me how his dad would add four cans of water to concentrated juice instead of the directed three cups, 'cause it "makes more juice." this is why jege's analogy is so fantastic.

untitled

this is the first day in 10 days where i've not cried. that's not to say i won't get weepy later. i've been reading poetry today and of course i have come across poems that i think are fitting to what has been going on.

A Reminiscence
by Anne Brontë

YES, thou art gone! and never more
Thy sunny smile shall gladden me;
But I may pass the old church door,
And pace the floor that covers thee.

May stand upon the cold, damp stone,
And think that, frozen, lies below
The lightest heart that I have known,
The kindest I shall ever know.

Yet, though I cannot see thee more,
'Tis still a comfort to have seen;
And though thy transient life is o'er,
'Tis sweet to think that thou hast been;

To think a soul so near divine,
Within a form so angel fair,
United to a heart like thine,
Has gladdened once our humble sphere.

The Answering Machine
by Linda Pastan

I call and hear your voice
on the answering machine
weeks after your death,
a fledgling ghost still longing
for human messages.

Shall I leave one, telling
how the fabric of our lives
has been ripped before
but that this sudden tear will not
be mended soon or easily?

In your emptying house, others
roll up rugs, pack books,
drink coffee at your antique table,
and listen to messages left
on a machine haunted

by the timbre of your voice,
more palpable than photographs
or fingerprints. On this first day
of this first fall without you,
ashamed and resisting

but compelled, I dial again
the number I know by heart,
thankful in a diminished world

---------------
i keep making attempts at writing something to get all this from my head onto paper, but i'm not quite there yet. and when i do get there, i'll write it with a fountain pen, b/c bram felt he could only write with a fountain pen.
for the accidental mercy of machines,
then listen and hang up.

beautiful words...

spoken about a beautiful man by my friend, jason.

an oldie but goodie....

that old favorite game of typing Kari Needs, Kari Wants, Kari thinks... and stuff like that into google and seeing what happens.

KARI needs...
- an effective system
- needs care and attention
- to make a few gonzo pornos to upgrade her resume

KARI wants...
- her tender earlobes pierced
- Ellie to remember that being a good friend is better than having a best friend
- to lump all women who have regretted the abortion decision into a category
- to take her love for art a step further
- to solve her aunt’s murder

KARI thinks...
- this girl has potential
- they'll be romantic
- that special requests must come with a letter from an administrator
- the world of him
- that the old Christmas tree has had enough and suggested to sell it in the next garage sale
- they should try to slice through a smaller machine gun barrel and they choose a Tommy Gun

back from minot

a very long, very emotional weekend. still in a bit of disbelief, but it's more of a "i wish it weren't this way" sort of disbelief, because i'm very aware of how real it is to have lost a best friend. many people said many words of comfort, but in all honestly, the only thing that would really comfort me is to hear that he's not gone.

got back last night after a 7 1/2 hour drive and pretty much hit the road running in regards to work. just finished up my workday a bit ago and now i sit, looking around at the cleaning i need to do, but i just don't feel it yet. tomorrow is cleaning day. no, really, it is. NO REALLY. i mean it this time.

we're having some folks over for a halloween party this saturday and i will now spend the rest of my day looking for creepy recipes online. that's my way. the finger cookies from last year were a big hit.



so we'll see what i can find this year.

i'm easily distracted by the outdoors in fall. i'm currently sitting on the couch where i can look out our picture window and it's really windy out -- there are leaves blowing around like mad in the street. it's actually pretty hypnotic. and very soothing. and now i'm sleepy.

kids are pretty smart.

i went in to wake up abbey this morning and when i went in, she was looking out the window and said "it's raining out. when my dad told me about bram, it was raining. and it's still raining. it's like the world is crying for bram."

smart kid.

my agenda today.

i need to do housework. NEED. no, i don't think you understand...i NEED to get stuff cleaned up. i'm not sobbing uncontrollably right now, therefore i need to tidy up while i'm still able. and yet i'm not tidying up. i'm blogging. i truly am the great procrastinator.

this is our third overcast day in a row. i normally really like weather like this, but this just feels.... yeah.

sometimes people imagine what they would do if someone close to them dies -- not something we LIKE to do, but that pops into our heads, as if to plan how to cope with that. i can honestly say that i never had that thought about bram, b/c i simply assumed that he'd outlive us all -- when someone had energy like he had, it's inconceivable that this happens.

maybe that's why it's been so hard to do anything other than sit on this couch, facing this computer monitor and occasionally look out our big picture window that has shown the exact same grey overcast sky since monday morning.

seeking out some normalcy...

did i spell the word "normalcy" correctly? (dictionary.com says "yes.") i'm doing laundry. loading up my ipod with different music. enjoying how my dog manages to move a pillow around so that it's under her head, just like people do. there's a couple of cats scrappin' in the hallway. i'm taking in the normal things in my house, trying to just get on some sort of even keel.

trying not to fixate on things like how i can't find that picture of bram when he was sleeping on little mermaid sheets at my parent's house, or how unfair it is that there are parents who have to bury their child -- something no parent should ever have to do. or how sad it is that michele and bram didn't get to grow old together, that bram never got to play with grandchildren.

i think it just comes down to the fact that there's so much that is upsetting about this, it's going to take a long time to come to terms with it. and even after that point, i think many of us will still feel as though a part of us is missing.

in usual bram style...

this was the last message i got from him, and it was in regards to my pregnancy:

i've been...

... tied to my email account all day. while doing other things i'm constantly checking to see if there is any news, when really i need to realize there isn't going to be anything i don't already know.

it's as though i keep checking it in the hopes that it will say "JUST KIDDING" or "IT WAS A MISTAKE" or "THIS WHOLE DAY WAS JUST ONE LONG, HORRIBLE FUCKING NIGHTMARE."

and i know this is not the truth, but i still hit the "refresh" button on my browser, because just maybe, JUST MAYBE my wishful thinking will pay off and i'll know that one of the best people to ever walk this planet will still be here.

and i know i'm not the only one grieving -- the fact that there are so many of us who are missing him so much really says something about him as a person. that doesn't make it any easier to breathe when i think about never seeing him again, but it does make me realize how very lucky i was to call him my friend.

this picture makes me smile.

i don't know who took it, i just know it was on his myspace page. let me tell you about my friend, bram. and it's going to be harder than fuck to use past tense regarding him. it's impossible.

after a night of drinking (or during a night of drinking) he'd fry spam. and then actually eat it.

when taking a shot of tequila he'd swish it around in his mouth like mouthwash.

he and our friend Joe would flick each other's penile tip just for fun. (then bram would jump up like a little girl and giggle.)

he and i knew every line in "when harry met sally."

he was an amazing writer, and luckily some of that writing is online at his first blog site, here.

during a the song "puttin' on the ritz" he'd tap along with the tap dance part.

he had a light brown sweater from the gap that, for years (even just a month ago) i'd say was actually mine and that he needed to return it to me.

he'd drink kool-aid from a large glass jar. a REALLY large glass jar.

he hated tuna fish, but once in black box play, had to mix it up with mayo in a ziploc bag.

on our trips to fargo we'd take a corn-cob pipe that he kept in his car, mount a little troll doll on it (yes, he kept this doll in his car as well) and hold it out the window and hum the Wicked Witch theme song.

when he worked at Nite Train Pizza, he once put the phrase "Fire Bad, Pizza Good" on the sign outside.

he had two fish in a very murky 10-gallon aquarium, they were named Fist and Fuck (from a NIN song).

he put up with so much of my shit and stood by me when i was bat-shit crazy.

we'd watch "PCU" all the time. and it was always funny. even when we weren't drunk out of our minds.

he always made fun of the way i thwacked my cigarette on an ashtray... "thwack thwack thwack!"

he'd cook a whole mess o' bacon, then poor the grease into a glass jar where he'd put his used insulin needles and called it "art."

he always had a knack for winning big on pull tabs at a minot strip club.

he growled at my stomach when i was pregnant with abbey and i swear, the first time he talked to her, she made a growling noise.

when he'd pee, it sounded like a fire hose.

----------

i could probably go on and for days. i just don't know any other way to get through this without writing about it. but honestly, i keep feeling like i'm going to wake up any minute and this won't be reality.

i can't stop crying.

one of my best friends has passed away and it's breaking my heart. and it doesn't seem possible -- i heard it, it was said to me twice. and it was as though i couldn't say anything to anyone b/c it couldn't possibly be real. it just can't be.

papa larson and his four girls....

the sound of a fetus.

not my fetus, but you get the idea...

Gabcast! k. larson #1

the smell of october.

is it the smell of decomposing leaves that makes me so happy? i can't quite figure it out, but i love, LOVE the smell.

i'll be outside trying to avoid watching my dog "take a turd" (as abbey says) and i'll close my eyes and inhale (away from aforementioned dog turd) and i smell my playground at campus school.

it's a strange sensation that makes me certain that, when i open my eyes, i'll be on the west playground (or as we called it, "the big kids' side") and there will be the giant A Frame that kids would climb up. or the swing set where i stupidly put my tongue on the rings one winter. or the large hill with round wooden pillars coming off of it that was home to many King of the Hill games. and maybe it's my pregnancy hormones or my nostalgia getting out of control, but i can barely keep myself from crying as i think of it.

leingirlz3, i'll bet you know exactly what i'm talking about.

this post has been a long time coming...

so what have i been up to? why have i been too occupied, too busy to post? i've been busy being nauseous. being tired. peeing every thirty minutes. watching my body slowly morph into something else...something host-like.....

this girl is having a baby, yo!

we found out about two and a half months ago that we're having a baby. given my history with miscarriage, i've opted to wait to discuss the ins and outs of it. and when i can't discuss one thing on the blog, i find that i have a hard time discussing anything. that's the way it works, kiddos.

SO. wednesday, went to see the midwife and after a full range of questions she took out the long-awaited doppler.



she lubed it up with the goop.



and we heard the heartbeat of the fetus. 170 beats per minute, exactly where it is supposed to be.

the word "relief" just doesn't even cover it. so relieved. SO relieved.

after four weeks of 24 hour a day nausea, it's nice to have a break from that and to also be reassured that there is a live creature with a racing heartbeat growing inside of me. (it's more reassuring that it's a fetus instead of some sort of parasitic alien, too.)

funny dream:
dreamed i was having an ultrasound -- they not only saw twins, but one of them was a MONKEY.

and yes, we will find out the gender before birth. why? it's not like it'll be a HUGE surprise...we know it'll either be a boy or a girl, so why wait?

please submit any name ideas (as long as they are not on the top 100 list of popular baby names. we aren't interested in those).

i'm re-watching...

"little miss sunshine." can i just say how amazing steve carrell is in this movie? damn.

i promise, i PROMISE that i'll blog more. and soon. just need to wait a little bit longer. all will be explained soon.

this from cnn. it's just shameful.

Bush vetoes expansion of kids' health insurance program
President Bush on Wednesday vetoed legislation expanding a children's health insurance program by $35 billion over five years.

President Bush says he vetoed the SCHIP bill because it was a step toward "federalizing" medicine.

Bush exercised the veto at 10 a.m. ET before leaving the White House for a trip to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, to discuss the federal budget and taxes.

Speaking in Pennsylvania, Bush said he vetoed the bill because it was a step toward "federalizing" medicine and inappropriately expanded the program beyond its focus on helping poor children.

"I believe in private medicine, not the federal government running the health care system. I do want Republicans and Democrats to come together to support a bill that focuses on the poorer children," the president said, adding the government's policy should be to help people find private insurance.Video Watch Bush explain his veto

Democrats quickly took to the floors of the Senate and House of Representatives to condemn the veto of the bill that received bipartisan support.

"I think that this is probably the most inexplicable veto in the history of the country. It is incomprehensible. It is intolerable. It's unacceptable," said Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Massachusetts, who pleaded with Republicans to help overturn the veto.

Congress sent the legislation on the State Children's Health Insurance Program, or SCHIP, to the White House on Tuesday after the Senate voted 67-29 last week to expand the program.

It appears Congress lacks the votes to overturn Bush's veto. Though 67 votes in the 100-person Senate would suffice to override a veto, the 265-159 House vote on September 25 is short of the two-thirds majority needed. View Bush's and previous presidents' veto records

However, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she would try to get the 15 additional Republican votes she said she needed to overturn Bush's veto, noting that "2-to-1 Republican voters support SCHIP and oppose the president's veto."

"It's very sad that the president has chosen to veto a bill that would provide health care to 10 million American children for the next five years. It is a value that is shared by the American people across the board," Pelosi said.

House Democrats also were quick to compare the bill's $7 billion annual cost to the money spent each month on the Iraq war.

"The president and Republicans in Congress say that we can't afford this bill, but where were the fiscal conservatives when the president demanded hundreds of billions of dollars for the war in Iraq?" asked Rep. Jan Schakowsky, D-Illinois.

Some House Republicans, however, said Bush was right to veto the bill.

"The public can see that we're playing more political 'gotcha' than we are at really solving problems," said Rep. Todd Akin, R-Missouri, who said the legislation contained "all of these little hidden gizmos, among other things that we're going to provide health care to the children of illegal immigrants."

Akin also said the bill would have led to "a massive expansion of, basically, 'Hillary' socialized medicine," a reference to Sen. Hillary Clinton of New York and her unsuccessful health care efforts as first lady in the 1990s.

Democrats denied the bill would provide coverage to illegal immigrants.

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, D-Maryland, said Tuesday that he won't schedule an override vote on SCHIP until next week or later. There is no time limit in the House on when to bring the bill up again.

Under the legislation, the program would double -- from 4 million to 8 million -- the number of children covered.

In the Senate, 18 Republicans joined all of the Democrats in voting to expand the program from its annual budget of $5 billion to $12 billion for the next five years.

Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah was among those Republicans who split from the president. "It's very difficult for me to be against a man I care so much for," he told his colleagues on the Senate floor before the vote. "It's unfortunate that the president has chosen to be on what, to me, is clearly the wrong side of this issue."

A Washington Post-ABC News poll conducted September 27-30 found 72 percent of those surveyed support an increase in spending on the program, with 25 percent opposed. The poll's margin of error was 3 percentage points.

Bush and many Republicans contend the program's original intent would be changed under the bill.

The program gives coverage to parents who make too much to qualify for Medicaid but not enough to buy private insurance for their children. Critics have said their concern is that parents might be prompted to drop private coverage for their children to get cheaper coverage under the bill.

The veto is the fourth of Bush's presidency. After not using his veto power at all during his first four years, the president has vetoed three other bills in his second term: two on stem-cell research legislation and one on a war funding bill with a Democratic timetable for withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq.

daytime talk shows...

... are convincing me that forced sterilization is not a bad idea.

this is what i call Sunday night at my place.

WOW.

i mean... WOW. this is something i didn't expect to ever happen. ever. trent must be proud.

some new writing...

on CSP. and here's a lil' something from DustyBill.

he's so boss.

have you ever had it happen...

... where you're in a really bad mood in a dream and then you wake up to find that yes, you are still in a really bad mood? for absolutely no reason other than you dreamed you were in a bad mood? what the hell...?

this just in:

i LOVE pudding. for real.

i know how you feel, crystal...

i feel BLEH in regards to blogging as well. i feel as though i have nothing to say, nothing to report. does anyone really want to know ANYTHING i'm doing? let's see.... i work. i check my email. i clean the house. i do laundry. i nap. my abbey days are fun days, but then the last thing i want to do when i'm with her is to dink around on the computer.

i've just looked to my left and realized that the shirt i'm wearing is covered in cat hair. enough cat hair, actually, to create another cat. gross. i watched disc one of the first season of Weeds and, if you haven't seen it, i highly recommend it.

i've not been doing much on The Youtube, and i'll tell you why... i'm kind of past that. yeah. i don't think i'm exhibitionist enough to keep that up. who's got the time? i like the idea of it, but i think it's a wholelottawork that i'm just not into right now.

okay. naptime. for real.

dude!!!

i cannot adequately describe how excited i am to see this.

so i guess the word "dude!!!" will suffice.

oh holy god.

no, amy....

... i mean THESE newlyweds.



no judging here, folks.

with all the movies that we own...

... i'm watching Newlyweds. it's true. go ahead and hate me.

sooooo BORED.

for real. i'm bored as all get-out. i could do something like cleaning or laundry, but i wanna do something FUN. who's with me, damn it???

wow. yikes.

here's a picture of the bridge that my dad took from a hotel room nearby. i've not gone near it (even if i wanted to, the area is pretty closed off), so this is the closest view i've seen thus far.


(if you click on this photo, you'll see an up-close, full size version.)

i'm irritable when i'm tired.

and i'm even more irritable when i'm tired and can't fall back to sleep. so now i'm awake and trying to do exciting tasks, like balance the checkbook online. however the wells fargo site sucks ass, so i can't balance anything. and i'm tired. and i started watching "vacancy" but watching movies where there is basically torture for torture's sake doesn't bode well with me at this hour of the morning --- this is the one time of day i get creeped out.

so now i'm cranky and taking it out on all of you. bleh. (sorry. it's not you, it's me.)

my tuesday night!

sigh.....

photoshop project du jour

a thirty-something child from me and dustin. i call this image "birth control."

today marks...

MONTH 5 of no smoking. feh.

so tired.

so tired of my head. so fucking tired of things that get stuck and won't go away and this need i have to just weep uncontrollably and at the same time be so fucking angry that i can't stand it. to not be good enough. to not feel good enough. to not be enough of anything. i'm sickened. i'm sad. and i want to scream but i feel like i don't have the right to scream. i want to just become the worst possible version of myself and i hate it.

yes, i'm still awake. no, i won't wake up on time in the morning.

(i always feel like watching girly movies when i can't sleep.)

eeeek!

i find this disturbing. and i am not easily disturbed.

ahh, sunday nights.

my dog is currently whining. why? because that is her thing, her schtick, if you will. i've just finished my third of eight papers (from the comfort of my couch, no less) and am not quite tired enough to sleep. physically i could probably sleep for days, but my brain is spinning and twirling and doing cartwheels inside my skull, as my brain is wont to do.

what am i thinking about? what is it that makes my brain spin about like a kid who has just been tossed off of the merry-go-round? why, it's a variety of topics, ranging from the fact that i've not done laundry for a few days and therefore will be wearing a dress to work tomorrow, to the fact that i feel like going out tomorrow night. i don't usually go out all that much during the week -- or the weekend, for that matter, however i have a hankering to go out and listen to loud music and just... absorb. i just want to sit and take in stimuli from all around me and just blend with the scenery.

song playing currently: Live at PJ's by the beastie boys. beverage currently drinking: orange juice from the carton. (yes, i do that. yes, i've been told it's obnoxious.)

my dog just jumped up on the couch next to me and she's staring at me. she's trying to look cute, but i know the second i move from my spot she will take over my place and not let me back. i shall not be moved, dog. back off.

***SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION***
by now i hope you've all noticed the snidecards link at the top of the blog page -- peruse at your leisure and remember, we do take special orders. what is shown on the site is simply examples of what can be made ESPECIALLY for YOU, you jaded lil' creatures, you.

ever have a night where your brain doesn't want to sleep? i love sleep, i mean, i LOVE sleep. but right now my brain just wants to... keep going and not shut down for the night. anyone know what this is like? any suggestions? i'm distracted and i've been distracted all day.

i've got it... i'll put on a dvd of a tv series or something, push "Play All" and let the soothing dialogue of Firefly escort me into sleepfordshire.

from 1991.

(you can almost hear his cloven hooves clicking under the desk.)

F*******************K.

tis the season.
i'm in a bad mood. just one of those fucking fucking fuckity fuck fuck days where i'm cranky and nothing seems to be simple and everything is one fucking struggle after another and it actually feels like my insides are so sad that they are dying and my heart is actually breaking the only thing that will make me feel better is a cigarette and i don't want one because then i'll start smoking a gajillion cigarettes a day again and that will complicate things and cause problems and i'll be letting down the trillion people who are nice to me even though i let them down again and again and i don't know why things just can't work out sometimes.
but enough about me. how was YOUR day?

i'm no good at video games...

...so i rarely play them. but i do pay close attention to those around me who are playing, and i quote them in this here blog.

tonight's game: halo 2

dustin: ooh! got me! (to me) are you trying to be accurate in your blog post about video games?
me: yes.
chris (sister's soon to be husband): ooohhhhhh!
clark (other sister's husband): hahahahahahahaha
dustin: whaddareyou laughin' at?

*no speech but only the sound of gunfire, game characters making noise, giving order, etc.*

dustin: wow, i sure can't find you. ahh!
clark: problem with that sniper rifle is that if you can't find any shots...
chris: i fired some rockets off but i couldn't get you.
clark: now, how do you switch to grenades? now, how do i know how much ammo do i have?
dustin: and now i'll run away. *to others* he's got the bigger balls, as we've learned.
chris: i've got the bigger tentacles.

*quiet pause*

clark: *after being shot* alright, that's enough of that shit.
chris: it'd be nice to have a knife in this game.
dustin: who is killing me? i'm just trying to bathe in this fountain. i'm just shooting to make noise at this point, to throw people off.
clark: it's throwing me off.

*pause*

dustin: now clark's killin' me.
clark: i'm hittin' the tree like hell.
dustin: those trees are a damn nuisance.......oh shite...
clark: i'm out in the middle, if anyone wants to shoot me.
dustin: i'm tryin'. oohhhhh, i thought i had ya had me...the sword!
clark: the sword is in play!
chris: the magic sword found an opening.
dustin: i tried to pick up the sword and i almost got shot.
chris: you might not be worthy of the sword.
dustin: i might not be. man, i don't know where you bastards are.

you get the idea. now i'm going to go talk to my sisters about unicorns and rainbows.

holy exercise, batman! or, using muscles i forgot i had, part I

walked for a while tonight with the dog to just blow off the steam that is beginning to build as fall approaches.

it's the same every year, but it still manages to catch me off guard because i guess i assume that it has to stop eventually, right? maybe the body and subconscious just has a memory that is too good to let go of bad stuff.

but i digress. i went on this walk to blow off steam, walked about four or five blocks down to the parkway and then saw a bridge that crosses over what looks to be the remains of a stream (but when we actually have rainfall, it's a fully functioning stream). it's charming, it's intriguing, so i take it. but does it cross to a nice walking path? nope. a hill. a really steep, really unpaved hill. i could have turned back, but i felt it was a good way to get into shape AND be masochistic at the very same time! hurrah!

so up the hill. WAAAAAY up the hill. ouch. sore. limbs. back. aching.

but i made it up the hill, and at the top were some of the prettiest houses i've ever seen in a part of our neighborhood where i had never been. there was a little kid outside with his parents and dog, which meant that i could stop to give my dog a visit (read: butt sniff) with another dog AND stop to catch my breath and to keep from vomiting up my lungs.

so now i need to keep in this habit --- if i can't be as emotionally/mentally healthy as i'd like, at least my exterior can get a bit closer.

as for the rest of my night...

my kid is currently dancing around the living with her headphones on her head, listening to the Grease movie soundtrack on her pod. so i hear nothing besides her giggles and only see her gestures and acting and KICK ASS dance moves. it's the best.

scary day wrap-up

what a crazy night it's been. after calling people (and getting calls/emails, thanks to everyone for checking in!) and finding out everyone i know is safe, it's a lot to think about. 

35W is a very common road that we take a lot of the time, although we've been avoiding it lately b/c of the pavement work they've been doing on it. last week we were in standstill traffic on it heading north (exactly where the collapse was) because it was down to one lane while they were doing work. it took nearly 15 minutes to go across this bridge with the amount of traffic backed up on it. 

and it does cross your mind, thinking that it could have gone down that night. it could have gone down on any one of the countless times i cross it with my kid. and i can't even imagine how horrifying it was for those involved, not to mention horrifying for those people ---- those parents of the many, many kids on that school bus -- that were waiting to hear about their loved ones.

but for me and mine -- we're safe and sound.

we're all okay...

none of us were on the bridge that collapsed, and it's pretty fucking horrible to see. yuck.

fun in the kitchen!

when cooking noodles on the stovetop, a roll of toilet paper earlier used in cleaning should NOT be placed a mere four inches away. that would be a bad idea, as toilet paper can spontaneously burst into flames when near a heat source.

i'm just sayin'.

by god...

it HAS been a long time since i've posted! long story short, i've been unable to blog/do other online stuff due to circumstances beyond my control, BUT NOW I'M BACK, yo.

new job=very very good. tomorrow is tuesday for the rest of the world, but it's my friday, meaning that my days off follow tuesday. and it's delightful and i love doing what i do, even though it came with a pay cut.

but as my wise friend ellermee said, "what's the good of the extra money if you are just spending it on things that numb the pain?"

wise beyond her years, that ellermee. wise beyond her years.

we have the 'puter hooked up to our TV screen and DAMN, this is the BIGGEST i've ever seen a post. for real. it's insanely huge.

see how ridiculous this is? SEE?

and i wait...

just waiting for my LAST story for my LAST two papers of the week and
then today is my FRIDAY! ahhh...the next three days will be spent
chillin' with my kiddo, housecleaning, doing dishes, doing laundry,
etc... but i reckon i can live with that.

Happy Birthday, Fetus!

it's my friend Brian's special day! happy birthday!

why does crappy behavior still surprise me?

so i scampered to the evil walmart today to pick up a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for my kiddo this morning. yes, i know they are very, very evil, but i also know that they were selling the books for only 17.88, whereas barnes and noble was charging closer to 25 and, in times like these, every dollar saved counts.

ANYHOW, i was looking for a parking spot and i paused to let some shoppers cross in the crosswalk in front of me, however the minivan coming toward me didn't see them right away --- they didn't come close to being hit or anything like that, but the shoppers leaving the store were LIVID. the angry, pasty-white woman gestured as if to say "hello?!? we're right here!" and the woman in her minivan with her kid looked apologetic, as if to say "i'm sorry, i didn't see you in my blind spot." the woman in the minivan drives off and THEN the husband of the pasty-white woman actually FLIPPED OFF the woman and her kids... i've not seen a display of such utter jackassery in a long, long time.

had i been the woman in the minivan i would have stopped the vehicle, put it in reverse and told my kid "close your eyes, sweetie... mommy needs to take care of something..."

i know i was at walmart and walmart isn't exactly the epitome of class, but even THERE, is it really too much to just be fucking civil? to NOT go out of your way to be a complete fucker?

maybe i was in one of my super-vigilant moods... but DUDE, he flipped off a mom and her kid.

sometimes i think it's good that i still give everyone (MOST everyone) the benefit of the doubt that they won't be douchebags. i like that i'm basically pretty trusting and hope that, if i treat someone with even a basic level of respect, they will do the same.

but that's what bites me in the ass, b/c people will be douchebags on a regular basis. they will treat people like crap. and i guess i never learn.

ugh.

do you ever get tired of feeling like you are the biggest fuckup ever? no matter what you do, bad shit keeps happening -- and will continue to do so FOREVER? crap.

i know what you are searching for online ...

so i log onto statcounter this morning to view my blog stats and i can see how people are finding my blog. well, one lucky reader came across my blog by googling the following:

"pussycat dolls sweating"

AWESOME! and, because i like to touch on EVERY important topic on my blog, this lucky reader found where i berated the pussycat dolls for covering "tainted love."

"pussycat dolls sweating"

people that search for images of the pussycat dolls sweating? that's my demographic.

i just died a little on the inside.

saw the movie...

"sicko" last night, and i cannot adequately convey my anger at our government for not providing universal health care.

i once had a conversation with someone who felt that it was not our government's responsibility to take care of us and our friends/family/neighbors, but each person who can help, should.

sadly, i explained to him, not every person in this country was like that.

knowing that with a new job comes a new 90-day waiting period for health coverage, it makes me nervous. any mysterious symptoms arise and they'll be checked out...... but not until November 1.

and to anyone who thinks that universal healthcare is evil, find a Canadian and ask them how many times they've had medical bills sent to collection agencies because they couldn't keep up on payments.

can't get into it now. am still seething and my stomach is in knots over it.

post 1472

that's a lot of posts, by god. some of them were just photos, some of them blog quizzes or memes. some were filled with gob and gobs of words and phrases and sentences and typos and the like. one thousand, four hundred, seventy two posts. a sliver of life -- a very, very large sliver at that.

tomorrow is the first day of my newspaper re-beginning, and i'm pretty excited. i'm not great at a lot of things, but i'm a whiz at Quark and can kick layout ass in that regard. mostly i'm just glad to be doing something i know i'm good at and that is all that is expected of me. gone are the days of fighting off the kool-aid sips and having to hide the pills in my pillowcase after i've pretended to swallow them. it's a nice sense of freedom.

here's the rub: i miss some people from my old gig, but that is the way it goes.

i need to start making snidecards again. i was really excited about it at first, and then felt as though i had no time to do any of them...THAT will be remedied, by god. one of these days we'll have a separate snidecard site and it will be wonderful and life-changing to everyone who sees it. i'll keep you posted.

as for tomorrow, i need to start putting stuff up in my cube, give it that ol' kari touch. (NIN poster, trout stapler, xray photo of bird, etc.) i'll post a photo of the completed project.

yay for visitors!

and no, i'm not talking about UFOs (although i'm sure i would have a blog post entitled "yay for visitors!" if there were UFOs in my backyard)...i'm talking about....

amy and rob! (center is my super-awesome kiddo)


i've known amycita since i was about 1 1/2 years of age... she and her sisters are practically kinfolk.


saturday's agenda: breakfast with amy and rob, followed by a viewing of the new Harry Potter movie with the kiddo, perhaps?

pop culture winnas!

i'm watching the VH-1 pop culture challenge show and i think i've figured out something -- people in my age group can name any, ANY 80s band, song, album, lyrics.. ANY. but if you put anything in front of us that is from anything in the time frame of Present-past few years, we have NO IDEA. at all. it's as though once the puberty passed and we no longer listened to Casey Casem's Top 40 countdown, we just stopped caring.

for example: i saw questions about album titles and i knew Nevermind, Appetite for Destruction, She's So Unusual and Pyromania (Nirvana, Guns N Roses, Cyndi Lauper and Def Leppard) but the one i didn't get.... an album from Outkast, and even now i don't recall the title.

so if the key to being a pop culture champion is to know about the crap that is out there now, i'm okay with relinquishing my crown.

dry dry dry dry

i wish it would rain.
i think i need sleep. i'm feeling.... down.

i have a new mission

check this site and follow suit ... you all know what to do!

a bad smell.

we live near the airport and have planes overhead often, so if i smell something that smells strange, i assume it's coming from outside.

however, i noticed that a smell tonight wasn't coming from outside. i walked into the kitchen and opened the dishwasher that was in the drying phase...a plastic spoon had fallen from the top rack down below the bottom rack and ONTO THE HEATER COIL, thus emitting a horrible melting plastic smell from the dishwasher vent.

ICK. i feel unwell.

so, anyone wanna clean the coils in my dishwasher? i can pay you nothing but respect...but respect you shall have.

day one: not too shabby

i spent three hours in the new office today, filling out paperwork, meeting coworkers and acquainted with my computer. it's always the same sort of process and i should be used to it by now, but it's always kind of scary. i'm not terribly good at meeting new people, so it makes it tough to give off that "kick-ass, take names" persona that i like to display.

the new schedule is definitely something i'm okay with -- although i will never again be able to leave town on a weekend, i reckon i'll be fine with the trade-off for more kiddo time.

i've been slacking in seeing movies, and here's my updated list of movies i still need to see:

• hot fuzz (is this still at the cheap theater?)
• sicko
• waitress
• mr. brooks (yes, brian, i WILL see it eventually)
• transformers
• license to wed (it's JIM! i can't help myself!)
• harry potter (but i'll wait until i can take the kiddo to this)
• 1408 (but that can wait until the cheap theater)

anything else i should see?

DUDE what a week!

the happy couple, sara and darren! congrats, kids!


abbey and dust at the reception.


first dance of the new couple.



ahhh, the happy couple a few days prior...


no amount of sunscreen can keep me from burning.


my kid was the BEST GUEST BOOK ATTENDANT EVER!


shane actually whittled a spatula for food! go shane!


abbey with her aunt sara and uncle darren.


this is darren's youngest sister in a photo that abbey took...abbey definitely has her dad's photography eye, b/c this photo is AMAZING.

now here's some ACTION shots from the drive back to minneapolis!


serene, you say? now imagine seeing this for 500 miles. yeah.


you'll see a few of these on the roadside.


i DID take this while driving!


this antenna may give the illusion that there is cell phone coverage in the sticks. that would be incorrect.


almost home. ALMOST.

for some reason i'm unable to type in a title for this post. i think that's just fine, since it would be something generic like "going home."

in about an hour we'll be packing up the car, checking the air in the tire that has a slow leak (unless you drive all day at 80 mph, in which case the leak is faster...oh crap...) and, if you are like me, car singing like you are a total rock star. i woke up earlier than i needed to and for that, i fear i will pay dearly in about two hours. i'll just pump up the husband with some caffeine and hope for the best, i think.

i'm looking forward to posting some photos later this evening... we've had a really great time and i want to wish sara and darren all the best -- you guys are the greatest!

time to pack and choke down a box of caffeine pills.

vacation winding down...

just hanging out in the hotel in minot whilst awaiting the gift opening, enjoying some incredibly crappy tv and the lovely air conditioning after an exceptionallly hot and muggy saturday. the wedding and reception/dance were fantastic and it's been lovely to have a few days out of town before starting the new gig. here's a few photos from this week, and there are many more to follow...

crap. nevermind. this internet is too effing slow to upload anything. at all.

so.... the movie that is on? Coyote Ugly. have i ever seen this before? not a bit. but i can tell that this small-town girl who is trying to prove herself as a songwriter is going to be the best scantily-clad barmaid EVER.

and i want a brownie for breakfast. who can bring me a brownie right this second?

quick update!

after a few days of travel and many a beer, i have a quick update for you all! you can stop crossing your fingers now, as i have successfully secured a gig with Sun Newspapers as a Design Editor, beginning this coming week. the hours are great and the work is something i can do with my eyes shut, SO that will be a good move for me and mine.

tomorrow is sara and darren's wedding, so today is filled with wedding prep type stuff and general chaos. kiddo has been with her grandpa the past few days and i'm REALLY REALLY excited to see her today!

i'll have gobs of photos to post once i'm back in town, but for now let me say THANK YOU to everyone who crossed their fingers and other appendages on my behalf. you are all my homies.

departure: nine hours.

i've packed. i've written things on paper to remember in the morning. there's only one thing left to do now...SLEEP. i'll update with EXCITING, NORTH DAKOTA-THEMED UPDATES when i'm able. until then, let's all keep truckin'.

this is one of the best MST3K episodes. EVER.

"MUST...GET...TO...CRAPPY...SPECIAL...EFFECT..!"

(not embedded because it's the ENTIRE episode.)

updated: STILL watching Family Jewels

i am! and it's wonderful and funny and i may follow this marathon with NICK & JESSICA! i can't help myself.

i'll be out of town for a few days and probably not able to do much blogging from afar, but i'll return with plenty of photos and even more mosquito bites.

just finished removing a tick from dixie's ear (or rather, pointing out a tick on her ear to dustin and watching him remove the tick) and giving her a bath.

now, for the rest of the night, do i:
a) watch the rest of the Family Jewels marathon (it runs until 11 p.m.)
b) laundry
c) unload/load the dishwasher
d) all of the above

because i am a MODERN WOMAN who can multi-task like a ROCK STAR, the answer is d, all of the above. because that's the way i roll, bitches.

my vote for best reality tv series...

Gene Simmons Family Jewels. SERIOUSLY! he and his family are fucking hilarious. it's a marathon day and i shall sit and enjoy this marathon. all. day. long.

what in the...???

so i've had really strange dreams lately. two nights ago the following happened whilst i slumbered:

• one of our cats had kittens. but not small kittens, kittens her size. and then she also birthed a teddy bear and a piece of poster board that, upon being birthed out, unfolded into a huge, wall-sized piece of poster board.

• after the labor, i picked up the mother cat and it was a baby, but a weird baby that looked like a doll with a huge head that had a cone shape to it. but since the cat/weird babydoll had so much in it to birth, the cone head was flopped over with excess skin after birthing so much of what was inside.

note to self: no more eating pickle and cheese sandwiches before bed. i mean it.