hmm.

ever have one of those melancholy days where you question everything you know? is this really who i am? does anything i say matter? do my hips really look that way in those khakis?

i'm overanalyzing. i'm scattered and yet preoccupied. it's hard seeing the world function and everyone go about their lives, seemingly unjarred by things around them and i become so affected. when i'm mad, i'm furious. when i'm sad, it feels like i'm being torn apart inside. why is it so hard to just land in the normal range of emotions? why is my brain dictated by a fucking disorder?

it's scary not to be able to trust your senses, your thoughts, your idea of how things really are. to not be able to trust that you are accurately judging a situation, that the way you are seeing things is not how they actually are. it's like when you look out a window and there is frost on that window. and you see something, but you are not sure what it is... is that a person? a tree? then you assume one thing and you find that it's actually another.

now i'm just rambling like a crazy person. like a crazy person. what a statement. dark times these are, kiddos. and just remember -- when you think things have gotten really bad and you are hitting bottom, you still have a long, long way to go. keep your hands inside the windows, kiddos.