Thursday, May 27, 2004

mall hell

so no more then a few minutes after i signed off of my mall of america blog, i went into old navy w/ my sister. i tried on some short that i opted not to buy b/c of their nightmarish blue color and left them with the dressing room lackey.
so a minute or two later i turned around and saw another dressing room lackey pull the shorts i had tried on up over her skinny jeaned legs, with both legs through one of the shorts legs, just to show how big they were.

yeah, that kind of smarts. i was pretty upset b/c, all of a sudden, what i had written just a few minutes before really was not paranoid at all. people are so horrible.
so what could i do? kick her skinny, working-at-old-navy-for-the-rest-of-her-life ass? nope. i called the store manager and she was PISSED!
i'm all about vengeance, folks.
vengeance. an interesting concept. making people pay for what they have done to hurt people. i'm not talking about capital punishment or anything like that, i'm just talking about how there are some truly horrible individuals (not just the brat at old navy) that i don't think really understand how much their cruelty and abuse fuck up a person.

what? was i ranting and raving? perhaps.
my hour lunch break is just about over. okay, my lunch break has been spent sitting on my couch. working at home is pretty cool, except sometimes couches take over and i end up watching crappy soaps i've not seen in ten years.

days of a our lives, for instance, you can not see for a decade, watch for five minutes and be totally caught up. nothing has really changed, except the women's faces have been pulled taut.


the larson sisters...not as jazzy as the pointer sisters or the jackson five, but just as dysfunctional. Posted by Hello

the size of my nephew's head compared to mine is truly alarming. Posted by Hello

abbey is, with the help of her aunt, out of her mind... just a little bit! Posted by Hello

Monday, May 24, 2004

"you're where?"

i'm blogging at the mall of america.
i know.
yeah, i know.
my sister meg is at a job interview at jcrew right now and, thanks to the overpriced dr. pepper and sugar cookie, i now have a free ride on the computer here at dunn bros. (okay, free for 45 minutes. 10 of which i've spent online swimsuit shopping.)
that's the topic.
grrrr.....if you'd rather skip my whining about my body and whatnot, feel free to scan down to where i'm sporting a bit more wit and a bit less self loathing.

it's no real mystery that i no longer have the same girlish physique i had in my former years. so now i'm faced with a visit to mexico and the reality that i cannot wear my usual garb there.
by usual garb i mean jeans and a long-sleeved black thermal shirt. that may only cause heatstroke.
so i've been glancing around different stores for swimwear that will be appropriate for my....physique, if you will...not a whole lot out there that doesn't amount to a swim skirt.
shopping in general is fairly uninteresting when you are like me. i'll go into "normal" stores with my wee sister and i'm sure it's just my psychosis-induced paranoia, but there are a few looks here and there that say something to the effect of "what in the world will she buy here? what here will fit her?"
or maybe that's just what is going through my own head.
and it's my own fault, i've really just become what i've always dreaded and i totally need to get my ass into action and start doing something to reverse my lazy trend.
i came up with the lose 50 by 30 plan. when i turned 29, i decided that i needed to lose 50 pounds by the time i turn 30. yeah, you can about imagine how well that's going now. and i've seen other people do it and i know that i'm capable of it, but there is something that keeps stopping me.
it sort of feels like i'm so far gone, that how can 20 minutes a day on an elliptical machine work? and that's where i get stuck.
end of whining.
so maybe tomorrow will be that day. that magical day where i wake up and think "damn, i can't wait to exercise! my instant gratification complex is gone! i'm so excited to work and work and not really notice anything for quite some time! hurrah!

we'll see....

32 minutes on dunn bros. dime to go.

and i have always hoped that my blogs would not turn into some sad diary entry.
.... it.
i just tried to type the f word above, where there are four periods in front of the word "it."
and it censored it. dunn bros. censored my blog.
.... it.
see? it did it again!
okay, that's one worked.
that's a safe word...
that worked too.

i guess .... is really the mother of all cusses. crazy!

maybe if i didn't speak like a truck driver (no offense to all those truck drivers out there..) i would not have been censored. maybe i should just cuss like roman moroni in "johnny dangerously."
"fargin icehole!" "i'll put your bells in a sling..."
that worked.

the mall of america itself is a really strange phenomenon. very strange. there is so much money here. soooo much money here. there's is a store directly across from where i am sitting called johnston & murphy, and it is being manned by chronically dissatisfied little man with wrinkles and greasy thin hair. and he's probably making between 7 and 10 clams an hour.
and the shoes he's wearing, made by his employer, probably cost at least 100 dollars. at leasat. and they are not nice shoes. not attractive. they are smarmy and should be worn only by drug dealers.

but in this store the man stays, day after day, regretting every decision he's ever made, lamenting the existence of all those pox marks on his face, wishing he could just be able to one day say "that's it! .... you all!" and flee for a better place.

i'm hoping that one day, people like him (or me, mostly) will one day just find a big bag of money on the street.

until that day comes...hmm. who knows.
19 minutes to go. and i think i might be a good citizen and give up my chair for someone who is waiting for a computer.
he's a very suburban looking kid with a baseball cap on sideways.
no way is he getting my chair.
no way, mister.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

bob saget in a dress?

that's right.
watching full house with the child. she likes it. i like free time to blog, therefore, full house is on.

and now it's over. the torture was intense, but brief, thankfully.

twas reading larryville earlier this evening and read how larry drank a beer on a walk home and threw the beer can at a tree. something about that really makes me smile, and i kind of envy larry's life right now. there's a certain freedom that i think larry has (and always will have) that allows him to chuck cans at trees. i don't know if i possess that freedom. maybe if i drink a big can of beer i'll have that freedom.

"we're on the verge of a major climate shift."
soundbite from the trailer for "the day after tomorrow."
dennis quaid. jake gyllenhaal. good campy fun!

we are a happy couple. really. no, really. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

gene wilder movie title, etc.

"the adventures of sherlock holmes' smarter brother" is the title.

and if i don't plug paul's website, i'll never hear the end of it, so check out, while you are at it.

gene wilder used to kick ass.

maybe he still does kick ass. he's on amc right now, in what i think is "sherlock holmes," starring also madelaine kahn and ..crap. what is that other guy's name? the one who played igor in "young frankenstein?" crap. marty something. marty feldman? is that right?
so madelaine kahn and gilda radner (gene wilder's wife who passed away in the early 90s) both passed away from the cancer. they were both on SNL. they were both in movies with gene wilder. coincidence? hmm. is there a "gene wilder" curse in addition to the SNL curse? if belushi, hartman and farley had all been in movies with gene wilder, maybe there would be something to the "wilder curse" theory.
not even a theory, really.
i'm so horribly simple!
on of my surrogate (figuratively, not literally speaking) sisters, emily lein, is getting married on friday, therefore her older sister and my fav chica who has been held captive by boston for many years, amy lein, will be coming to minneapolis in just a short hour and a half...hurrah, hurrah i say! i exclaim!
and i think i can see proof of my aging...(besides the grey strands of hair that i yank out with great haste)
when i was younger, the channel american movie classics played a lot of james cagney, cary grant, jimmy stewart. what's the classic this weekend?
the princess bride.
holy crap.
i have a weird urge to visit minot sometime soon. can't really explain it, as most time i begin to break out in hives and itch when i think about a trip home. maybe it's because i'm sort of unemployed and have WAYYYY too much time on my hands.
i've been working at a temp service and i actual have a great deal to do through monday, so that's good. it's important to pay the mortgage.
also in this gene wilder movie is the fellow who played veruca sault's father in "willy wonka." every minute i watch this movie i increase my six degrees of kevin bacon game knowledge.
my boy dustin has been working on converting his website to flash, and i believe it's functioning at this point, so be sure to check out for art, writing, music and a dandy blog called cadaver politik. all your needs will be met.
dust also has a show that will be produced at this summer's fringe festival in mpls., so if you are in the area, be sure to check out the nimbus theatre production of "unemployable." good stuff.
oh, and props to larryville for linking my lil' blog in his uberblog -- larry kicks ass, takes names and puts forth a dedicated blog.

Friday, May 14, 2004

alas! adapter loss!

my emachine's battery charger/adapter is on the blink.
i am a shell of a woman w/out my laptop, i've discovered.
alas! what shalt i do, really? what shalt i do?
(did i use the word "shalt" properly? hmm.)
my laptop has spoiled me -- i tire of this desktop computer already.
better luck tomorrow.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

"cough cough"

A bedroom. KARI, 29, sits upright on her mattress and types on a laptop computer. Her nose is red and there are used tissues next to her.

I need a job. I need (sneeze) kleenex that won't rub like sandpaper on my nose.
I need fewer cats. I need health insurance and antibiotics and nicotine patches and monkey wrenches and hats and shoelaces and a big bag of money.

An orange and white cat, LITTLE BROTHER, enters the bedroom. He rubs his head against Kari's foot.

I have nothing to offer you, simple creature. Wait.
(Reaches into pocket) I do. Here is a coupon for a dry cleaners. That's all I can do.

Little Brother leaves room.

now that i've been doing this for a minute or two, i realize that 1: i've become very dependent on the final draft software, as proper screenplay format is tricky in a blog and 2: maybe i should start writing again so as to NOT WRITE THIS RUBBISH anymore. hmm.
music currently shuffling on my laptop:
Nine Inch Nails
Aphex Twin
Liz Phair (but not her new stuff, eww.)

a week or so ago, dustin and i saw Einsturdende (sp?) Neubauten (sp?) play at first ave. a very good show, and they are participating in something that is pretty new (i think) at shows -- they record a cd of the show you are watching, process it at lightening speed and sell it after the show. the pixies did it when they just played here a few weeks ago as well.

what do you think of that? Ein....Neu....(something german) charged 35$ for the cds, under the guise of "never coming back to minneapolis," or something like that. any thoughts? i'm slightly opposed to the cost, i guess. then again, trent reznor could read out of a damn phonebook, record it and sell it for hundreds of dollars and i'd whore myself to buy it, so maybe it's fine with me afterall.

my daughter has a science fair this afternoon at her school, another reminder that she is getting older and older (as am i - i turned 29 this past sunday) and eventually she will be embarassed to be seen with me. for now she like me, though. (except for the tattoos on my arms. she likes those covered when i'm at her school.) but someday, she will say the EXACT same things i used to say TO and ABOUT my parents. she's already treading pretty closely to my childhood behavior. and i think my mother called it "payback." lovely.

it's blog, it's blog, it's better than bad, it's GOOD!

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

my sad, sad throat

why do i feel as though i've just had a cheese grater run across my throat, and then had some salt tossed in immediately thereafter?
i need some chicken noodle soup. i need some vicks vapo-rub. need, need, need!
wanna see my FAVORITE thing to read? here you go!
Thank you for your interest in the recent Production Artist/Designer
position that was available with (insert company name here). We were fortunate to
have received such a positive response and have many qualified applicants to consider.
At this time we have narrowed our pool of candidates to those with qualifications and experience that most closely match our requirements. We sincerely regret that we cannot offer you employment at this time.
You have our best wishes for success in locating the career opportunity you deserve. Again, thank you for your interest.

Now that's just what the email said. But what did it really say? Really? Here's my interpretation....
Thank you for your interest, but we could really give two shits that you are interested. We have 200,000 people interested in our entry level, low paying "opportunity." (And when we use that word, we make fake quotation marks with out fingers, to emphasize the sarcasm.)
At this time we have narrowed our pool of candidates to those who, unlike you, are willing to take the least amount of money for an insane amount of responsibility. We could say that we regret that we cannot offer you employment, but if we really regretted it, we'd be offering it. Tough luck, sister. Kiss your ass goodbye.

now i'm watching the movie "twister" with my daughter. why? because i'm a glutton for punishment and during the next bout of storms to hit the twin cities, i'm looking forward to dispelling the myths put forth by that rubbish. good times.

i promise i'll be nicer in my next blog.
no, i mean it. i will.

Monday, May 10, 2004

another day, another,

another day spent doing very little.
unemploy -- i mean, freelancing can be that way. sadly freelancing this way can also lead to turning tricks on lake street to pay the mortgage. i'm sure i have another good day or two until panic sets in.
i've been reading my fair share of blogs... some by total strangers, some by friends. the common theme i've found is the idea of Spare Time. the idea that i've really nothing better to do than write not-too-personal things in this journal format for fear that someone might actually read it. or worse, comment on it and remind me what a schmuck i am.
i've turned 29 years old, and i think that i'm alright with it. i'm not terrified of being 30 by any means, and these 9 years in my 20s have been the longest 9 years of my existence. lots of good, but i'm really ready to be a 30-something.