the story of her

i was putting kiddo to be tonight and i was thinking so much of my life before and my life after. i was 20 when i got pregnant. seven months prior to pregnancy, i was in the "hospital" -- you know, the hospital where they keep things like lip balm and sharp objects away from you, and you get to paint ceramic penguins (but who doesn't like a penguin?) and hang cmas decorations. you take tests, you look at pictures of clip art and describe what happening right before the picture you see.

example:
man and woman sitting across from table, woman crying. what happened?

i would be a smartass and say something like "she was just wondering where the rabbit was, and she looked into the crock pot a moment AFTER taking a bite of her stew."

you fill out questionaires, for example:
do you agree, strongly disagree, etc. to the following... aliens exist; you want to be a florist; you like yourself; you find it difficult to get along with others...

so these are the things i did a mere seven months prior to growing a human.

i went back to college after a brief hiatus (as i usually do) and in march i met kiddo's dad. and by mid-june i was pregnant. which, if you've ever been 20 and pregnant (and HIGHLY medicated), is a little bit shocking.

i bring all this up because i've been thinking a lot about my kid, esp. in light of the last few days. and when really tough things come about, i think about something an amazing friend said to me: no one is dying, no one is dead. and it's true. no matter how hard this situation feels to me, i'm alive. my child is the most wonderful creature EVER and she not only keeps me going, day-in and day-out, she is the reason why i am still on this earth.

for those of you who remember me pre-baby, i was a bit of a lunatic/monster/drunk/hussy. i mean let's be honest about it... i was the QUEEN of total self-destructive tendencies. i not only had vices, i had vices without moderation. everything to excess. then suddenly, i'm in a situation where that is not possible, where it's no longer all about me and my instant gratification. i am responsible for the well being of another human. i can no longer blow off eating for a day or three because if i starve myself, i starve someone else. cigarettes no longer appeal to me, the THOUGHT of a drink makes me queasy. the body is funny that way: when it needs to (at least in my case), it rejects harmful substances. (except for big macs: those it CRAVES.)

so this wonderful, amazing little thing comes from me. this body of self-abuse, excess, hopelessness, desperation... i never, in my wildest imagination, thought that anything this good could come from me, could come from my body.

and i'm so, so excited to see her grow up and continue to be so cool, so funny, so clever, so insightful, and so loving.